Stone Heart or How I'm Getting More Vulnerable

I have often joked about how I was the warmest machine you’d every meet.  Part of that was because of my Myers–Briggs personality type, and part of that was because of my life experiences.  I spent a very long time building a high thick wall around myself and my feelings.  I have many friends and acquaintances, but there are really few people who KNOW me. 

I have had to spend a good deal of time being “ON” and happy in front of others.  It was easier to do that than deal with my emotions and be vulnerable with other people.  I learned growing up that it was dangerous to be vulnerable.  It was painful to have feelings and emotions, and it was definitely not something you shared with others.  Who I was wasn’t good enough.  Who I was was wrong.  I took all of those ideas that other people had and hid myself away inside an impenetrable shell.

As an adult that protective shell became even harder.  I had to be strong through bad relationships, and a failed marriage.  I had to be strong and care for my children.  I had to put my own feeling aside and move forward through life, always with them at the forefront.  When my daughter became chronically ill I felt as if I didn’t have the luxury of being sad, afraid, or scared.  Someone had to hold HER hand and tell her everything would be alright, and that was going to have to be me.  I remember coworkers who didn’t understand why I was so calm, so unfeeling during that period.  I was feeling, just so deeply inside that it was in a place no one else had access to.

Many years later, with healthy happy children and a stable relationship, I have been able to begin to remove those layers of protection I thought I needed.  It is difficult, but every day is an adventure.  Some days are easier than others, but I am beginning to honor my feelings.  I now know it’s safe to feel them and express them with the right people.  I also realize that what I thought was protecting me was also keeping me from the kind of intimacy in my relationships that I truly wanted.  Hypnosis has been a huge part of allowing me to find a place where I now know: I am safe, I am loved, and I am worthy.

If you struggle with vulnerability tell me about it.  What do you do to get past the fear?    I want to know.

As Always, Love and Light