Forgiveness and the Growth of a Family

Joseph and His Brothers

This week I again have combined two portions, the last two portions, as we come to the end of
Genesis. We begin with Vayigash which translates as "and he drew near." As we enter the scene Judah is begging Joseph who is still disguised to release Benjamin and take him instead. As Judah pleads Joseph is overcome with emotion and can no longer continue keeping the truth from them. He admits who he is to his brother's shock. He instructs them to go back home, collect their families, herds,  and belongings, and to return to Egypt where Joseph will provide for and protect them. With the Pharoah's permission, Joseph settles his family in the area of Goshen, and he continues to manage the needs of the Egyptians as the famine is unwavering.

Israel Blessing Ephraim and Manasseh

Vayechi, meaning "and he lived," opens with Jacob nearing the end of his life. He makes Joseph swear he will take his body back to Cannan and bury him with his forefathers. He then blesses both of Joseph's sons Ephraim and Manessah stating they are now to be considered His own sons in tribute to his love for Rachel. As his time draws ever closer Jacob blesses all of his sons one by one. Once he reminds them of his burial instructions he finally draws his last breath. Pharoh gives Joseph permission to take his father back to the land of Cannan to bury him. Somewhat fearful that Joseph might turn on them, his brothers flung themselves before him requesting mercy. Joseph reassured his brothers He meant them no ill will, and in fact saw how everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to. Joseph and his family remained in Egypt, and he continued to care for them.

The opening of Vayigash and the ending of Veyechi finds Joseph's brothers pleading for his mercy. They seem unable to accept the idea that Joseph could possibly forgive them for selling him. In contrast, Joseph has shown nothing but love and forgiveness through both portions. Maybe the lesson here is people can live one of two ways. Fearful of the experiences life brings them to or accepting that everything will work out just as it should. Joseph says in Veyechi, "Have no fear! Am I a substitute for God?" He clearly has no ill will, or any need to seek vengeance. There is a saying I have seen a few times, "Trust the process." Joseph is the perfect example of trusting the process. He is at peace.

Another theme throughout not just these two portions but through the entire book of Genesis is the importance of growing the next generation. This is something that touched me as I myself have children quickly approaching adulthood. Each generation is blessed by the subsequent one, both by actual blessings and by the lessons they impart. Each generation has their own evolving relationship with God, the land, and other nations. Each generation has their own trials. And each generation seems to grow. Jacob "adopting" his grandchildren and bestowing part of his blessing on them really solidifies the desire to expand as a people. As we enter Exodus next week we see how that turns out.

Joseph, Destiny, and a Tiny Dancer

Joseph

I didn't write about the Torah portion last week, but that was purposeful. Last week and this week's readings include Joseph one of the sons of Jacob. I felt like what I had to write about his story was better said in one post.

The Torah portion from last week was Veyeshev, meaning "and he lived." It opens telling us that Jacob has settled in the land of Cannan. Joseph is 17 and the oldest son of Rachel, Jacob's favorite wife. Jacob so loves Joseph that he gives him a special coat. When his brothers see how much their father favors Jacob they hate him. Joseph also has vivid dreams of ruling over his brothers. Maybe he was nieve, but when he shared his dreams with his brothers they hated him even more.

Joseph's brothers hated him so much that one day while they are in the field watching the flocks, they saw Joseph coming from a distance and begin to plot against him. At first, they talk about killing him, but one of the brothers comes up with the idea of throwing him into a pit, and when traders passed they pulled him out and sold him as a slave. The traders take Joseph to Egypt and sell him off, while his brothers take his coat, cover it in blood, and return to Jacob to tell him Joseph is dead.

Joseph does well for himself in Egypt at first. He is a servant of Potiphar who is an associate of the pharaoh. He is trusted and given great responsibility in Potiphar's house. Potiphar's wife, however, had an eye for Joseph. Repeatedly she tries to get Joseph to have an affair with her. Repeatedly he denies her. One day she grabs Joseph, he is able to escape but leaves his garment behind. Potiphar's wife in anger that he continued to rebuff her claims Joseph attacked her, and Joseph is thrown in prison.

While in prison Joseph meets the cupbearer and the baker of the pharaoh. They had been confined for upsetting him. Joseph interprets dreams for both men. One was set to die, the other to be pardoned and returned to his place in the pharaoh's house. Joseph tells the cupbearer to remember him when he is pardoned.

Grains of Life

Joseph's story continues in Miketz, which translates as "at the end." It's been two years since the cupbearer left Joseph in prison. The pharaoh is having dreams that he can't understand. He is seeking someone to interpret them for him. It is at that moment the cupbearer remembers Joseph, and tells Pharoah about him. Joseph comes and hears the dreams. He interprets them to mean that there will be seven years of abundance of rain and grain, followed by seven years of drought and famine. Joseph tells Pharaoh he needs to store the excess grain during the first seven years, and appoint someone to manage the distribution of that grain during the famine. Pharoah was impressed by Joseph's understanding and believed he was filled with the spirit of God. Because of this Pharoah appoints Joseph over his court and he becomes second in command over all the land.





There is so much to unpack with the story of Joseph. He begins as a somewhat nieve boy. We have to ask, did he know that his dreams and interpretation of them would anger his brothers? Or was he showing off by boasting to them? He is the favored son after all. I think there was already enough animosity to go around. What was his motive? Did Joseph deserve the punishment his brother's concocted?

Joseph's story is one of roller coaster up and downs. The high of being the favored child, the low of being sold into slavery. The high of working for a high ranking official, the low of being sent to prison. Then the high of being rescued and placed in a place of power over Egypt.

From the beginning, Joseph knew his calling was big. Sharing it with his brothers may seem like a mistake, but it can't be. Without being sold into slavery Joseph wouldn't have ended up in Egypt. This seemingly horrible turn of events is a pinnacle moment. So too Joseph's imprisonment, without which he would have never met the cupbearer who told Pharoah about Joseph's gifts.

What can the story of Joseph teach us? I believe that most of us have a calling, a gift, or a mission in life. We can make choices that take us in a different direction, or be tossed around by the tempests of life, but one way or another we will arrive at the place or moment we are meant for. It can be so unbelievably small like a kind word at just the right moment, or extraordinarily large like running a country. Often times the things that seem to be detours are teaching us valuable lessons we need in order to be the best person we can be when we reach our pinnacle moments.

Much like Joseph, we can choose to see the negatives as working for our greatest good. Now I know that sounds trite, especially to people who have experienced great pain and loss. I in no way am trying to minimize your life experiences. I don't believe "everything happens for a reason." Things happen. Period. What I am saying is that I believe we can take those painful experiences and GIVE them the meaning we want. We are the writers of our story. Beginning to end.

Tiny Dancer Krista

What experiences have you had that you didn't realize until later were pinnacle moments? Lately, I feel like EVERY moment is a pinnacle moment for me. I have so much growth happening right now it can feel overwhelming.

I have been reflecting on my childhood, thinking about what made me who I am. This tiny dancer was so nervous to get on stage for the recital. Everything was going swimmingly. The music was great, she was hitting all her marks, and then a little two-year-old broke loose and ran around the stage. The audience exploded with laughter. Our tiny dancer was mortified, not yet understanding the social cues that the laughter was at the other child and not her. That one tiny moment set our little dancer up for a life of stage fright.

I still get extremely anxious getting in front of a room, even when it's people I know. So how do we rewrite that moment into something better? It is still something I am working on daily. I have set goals and push myself to get out of my comfort zone routinely. I am a work in progress. I glean hope from the story of Joseph. I remind myself that even when I am against what feels like overwhelming odds my story isn't over yet. I have a great distance still to go. But I am getting there. Write my story one day at a time.

Wrestling For Your Blessing

Vay-ishlach

The Torah portion for this week is one packed full of meaning for me personally. Let's get an overview first before we dive into the meat of it all. Vay-ishlach translates to "he sent," and as we open this portion Jacob is sending messengers ahead to Esau to let him know they are coming. When the messengers return they relay that not only is Esau himself coming but he is bringing 400 men with him. When the brothers last saw each other Esau made it clear he desired to kill Jacob for stealing his birthright and blessing. Jacob is terrified and splits his group into two camps. At least if they are attacked he thinks half of them have a chance of escaping. They camp there overnight and Jacob awakens with fresh ideas. He sends several droves of livestock as a gift to Esau hoping it will sway his anger.

Jacob sends his family across the river and camps alone for the night. An angel or man comes upon him and they wrestle through the night. It is clear that Jacob is not giving up even after he is injured. He refuses to let go until the angel/man blesses him. The angel gives him the name Israel.

Esau embracing Jacob

Jacob proceeds across the water into the land with his family. When Esau sees him he grabs Jacob and weeps with happiness. He invites Jacob to return with him, but Jacob ventures a different way and sets up camp elsewhere. Here the family is living in the land of another tribe. Jacob's only daughter Dinah is either raped or falls in love with someone from the other tribe. (The original Hebrew makes the translation questionable.) He wants to take Dinah as his wife, however, Dinah's brothers are offended and have no interest in letting that happen. They trick the men in the other tribe into circumcising themselves. When they are at their weakest Jacob's son's pounce, slaughtering all of the men and retrieving Dinah. They also take the livestock and women as captives. Jacob is angry. His sons clearly did this without his blessing.

Jacob decides to leave and travel back to Bethel for their safety. Once in Bethel God appears once again to Jacob. He reminds Jacob of the promise of the land and reiterates the name change given him. He is to be known as Israel. Jacob sets up an altar there to mark the holy place.

Jacob decides it is finally time to return to his father's land. During the travels, Rachel dies in childbirth and is buried on the side of the road. Only after they reach Isaac's home does Isaac finally die. Esau and Jacob bury their father. Our portion ends with several lists of descendants.

The part of the portion that speaks the most to me personally actually begins right before Jacob wrestles with the angel/man. Jacob is about to enter the land of his father. He is preparing to meet Esau, and so he sends word to his brother he is coming. When the messenger returns with word that Esau is coming out to meet him and he is bringing 400 men with him Jacob becomes extremely anxious. He fears what his brother's intentions are. Is he coming to kill me as he promised before we parted last? Is he coming to kill all of my children? Will he take everything I have worked so hard for? Jacob's anxiety is palpable.

Extreme anxiety is something I have had to deal with all my life. My mind goes into overdrive when I perceive a threat, real or imagined. Like Jacob, I imagine every possible outcome and I look for every possible way out of the situation. In an effort to save some of his people Jacob splits his group into two camps. I see it as a way of bargaining. If I can't protect everything what can I save? Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst.

  

Jacob Wrestling with the Angel

 In the next scene, we find Jacob alone. He is met by a man, or angel depending on the translating.   In the Tanakh God and angels can appear in human form so some commentaries believe it is actually an angelic being Jacob is wrestling with. His identity is a mystery as well as why he attacks Jacob. I think of this scene as an analogy for my anxiety. In the dark, when I am alone, it can seize me in such a way that it feels like I am physically wrestling someone. I lay in bed, struggling with the thoughts and visions in my head. The what ifs. The whys. Overthinking. Over-analyzing.

The two continue to struggle through the night. Jacob refuses to let go without a blessing from the man. I believe Jacob knows at this point it's not just a man he is wrestling with. He can see there is something greater at work. The blessing? A change of name. In Judaism, it is believed that a change in name can indicate a change in destiny. It seems that in this moment Jacob's whole life is about to change. Israel doesn't have a direct translation. It is derived from the Hebrew root word "yisra" meaning to struggle or strive. Here are a few attempts at translation: May God prevail; God perseveres; God contends; He struggles with God. Isn't it interesting that in the story Jacob appears to win by holding out for the blessing, but his new name seems to indicate that God has won instead?

Struggling with anxiety can be just like this. You wrestle and wrestle. In the end, you are still there. Alive despite what your mind has told you will happen. But even though you prevailed through the anxiety, you don't ever really win. You just survive to fight another day. It sounds hopeless, right? But I have a different perspective. I can use all the tools in my toolbox to manage my anxiety; hypnosis, meditation, essential oils, etc. I can do everything right and still get overwhelming anxiety. Still, I wrestle with it. I know, however, the sun will rise. There will be another day. I will survive. I will persevere despite the best efforts of my anxious mind. I just have to hold on. There is blessing in the struggle.

What are you wrestling with? Do you relate to this story of Jacob like I do? I'd love to know.

The Place of Arising

Jacob at Bethel

This weeks portion, Va-yetse, has some of the best-known stories from the Torah. Va-yetse translates as "and he went forth," and at the opening of our reading that is exactly what Jacob is doing. He has left his home and is traveling to his mothers family in search of safety. When Jacob stops to sleep he dreams of a ladder where angels are coming up and down. God appears to Jacob blessing him and promising safe passage. When Jacob resumes his travels he comes upon a well and meets Rachel, Laban's daughter. He is immediately taken with her. Jacob shows off by rolling the rock away from the opening of the well. He returns with Rachel to meet Laban, and agrees to work for Rachel's hand in marriage. Jacob is tricked into marrying Leah, Rachel's older sister, but he loves Rachel so much he agrees to work another 7 years to marry her too. Both wives and maidservants give birth to many children during his time with Laban. However, Jacob desires to return to his father's land. After some difficulties with Laban, they finally part ways and Jacob takes his wives, children, and livestock and begins the journey home.

Jacob's Ladder

Jacob's dream of the ladder is the first recorded encounter with God Jacob has. The word translated here as a ladder can be better translated as stairway or ramp. In Mesopotamia, the temple towers were equipt with a ramp-like incline that led to the top where they believed the deity they worshipped would appear to communicate.  When Jacob see's this "ladder" he would have recognized the symbolism. But unlike the Mesopotamian gods who were "on high", Jacob's God is standing beside him, feet on the ground. This theme of personal intimacy with God is something that started with Abraham and has continued on with his descendants. God is close and tangible.

It is here that the Lord reiterates the blessing given by Issac, and reinforces that the blessing of land and children would come through Jacob. Regardless of how he received the blessing, it was destined to be Jacob all along. God also promises to be with and protect Jacob until he returns to "this land," the land they were standing on. When Jacob wakes up he realizes that the land he is on is holy. He exclaims, " Surely God was in the place and I, I did not know!" Jacob took the stone he had rested his head upon and set it to mark the place. He named it Bethel, meaning the house of God.

The Hebrew word for place is Makom. It derives from the verb kum which means "to arise." Ha Makom is also another name for God. With this in mind, Jacobs exclamation could be read as, "Surely Makom was in this makom and I, I did not know!" The place was in this place! The place that changes everything. Everything is new. My eyes are open.

Have you ever experienced something profound that you didn't expect? It wasn't until the veil was lifted, until something arose, that you realized how something impacted your life. The little i, the I before this moment, has now become the capital I. I am changed. Transformed. This is the revelation that Jacob has. Nothing is the same from that moment on. The rising place can take us by surprise, but I believe it can set us free.

"Surely Makom (God) was in this makom (arising place) and i, I did not know."

The place. The moment you are in is what is important. What happened? What is happening now? Be in the moment. Be. Here. Now. Open your eyes. See what is real. What is in front of you. Allow it to transform you. Allow it to lift you to the next place, and then be there fully. Embrace the place, whatever it is. Even when it is hard. Allow the Makom to wash over you. Allow it to move you. Over and over again. Allow it to renew you. Be. Here. Now.

The Things That Matter

I have company coming. It doesn't matter who is visiting, when I know someone is coming I see everything around me with a different eye. Where did those cobwebs come from? Has that stain always been on the couch? Is it too late to regrout the floor or paint the living room? The amount of anxiety I give myself up to the time of the actual visit is ridiculous.

I saw this quote from Gary Vaynerchuk today. "99% of the things around us don't matter." It gave me pause and allowed me to view what I was sweating over differently. Of course, I'm going to make sure my house is presentable. Of course, I will clean (a bit too much.) But I am refusing to tie myself in knots over it. It's not going to matter anyway! My visitor isn't going to be peaking behind my toilet or under my fridge looking for dust bunnies. All they are going to care about is seeing us. All they are going to care about is the love and laughs we are going to share. And, maybe a few bits of amazing food as well.

I know Gary wasn't talking about the state of my house. If you don't know Gary Vaynerchuk I recommend reading his books, or following him on Facebook, or both! He talks a lot about finding your passion and changing your life, in a no-nonsense way and often with colorful language. What Gary is trying to say here is to stop allowing all the bullshit and things that don't matter hold you back. Ignore the gossips at work. Don't worry about office politics. Don't follow someone else's dream. Do you! Do what turns you on. Do what makes you happy. Work your ass off. You will HAVE to work your ass off. But it's worth it.

What do you need to let go of to accomplish what you want? What is really important in your life? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
I want to be happy. I want to connect with others on a deeper level. I don't want to fret over the little things that have no real impact on my life, both personally and professionally. This week I am going to do my best, relax, and enjoy the rest. I'm going to focus on the 1% that truly matters.

Birthright and Blessing

Isaac Giving Jacob His Blessing

The Torah portion for this week is Toldot. Translated it means "generations." Our reading starts out recounting the story of Issac. Which in honesty isn't the story of Isaac, but features his sons prominently. Toldot references both Abraham and Laban, which is possibly a foreshadowing that Laban will return to the story later. (Spoiler alert! He does.)

We learn that Rebekah struggles with infertility, but at last she conceives. There is a lot of struggle in her womb, she goes to pray, and Rebekah is given a prophecy. Two nations are in your womb God says. One will be greater than the other. The older will Serve the younger. Rebekah gives birth. Esau is born first, and when Jacob is born he is grasping Esau's heel.

Esau and Jacob

From the beginning, Esau and Jacob are polar opposites. Esau was a great hunter and a man of the outdoors. Because of his hunting skills, Issac favored him. Jacob was mild-mannered and preferred the quieter life of living within the camp. He was Rebekah's favorite. Esau is more impulsive and Jacob takes advantage of that fact by tricking Esau out of his birthright as well as his father's blessing with the help of his mother.

This moment of Esau giving away his birthright is where I find myself drawn in this week Torah portion. I believe it is closely connected to the end of the portion where Jacob also tricks their father into giving him a blessing, but the difference in Esau's reactions is what is the most interesting and telling part of all. Let's take a look at the initial interaction between Esau and Jacob.

The Birthright Exchange Moment

Jacob is making a stew. Esau returns to the camp and is drawn in by amazing smell of the food cooking. He tells Jacob to give him some stew because he is famished.

"Jacob said, 'First sell me your birthright.' And Esau said, 'I am at the point of death, so of what use is my birthright to me?' But Jacob said, 'Swear it to me first.' So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. Jacob then gave Esau bread and lentil stew; he ate and drank, and he rose and went away. Thus did Esau spurn the birthright." Genesis 25:31-35

Esau being the oldest was due to inherit his fathers land and flocks, as well as enjoy other benefits afforded to him due to his status as the firstborn. Even though we don't know what age they are it seems clear that Esau is pretty immature. Either he doesn't realize the magnitude of what he is agreeing to or he simply doesn't care.

If we fast forward to the end of the portion we find Isaac towards the end of his life and desiring to give Esau a blessing. Jacob with the help of Rebekah tricks Issac by pretending to be Esau and receives the blessing instead. When Esau returns from hunting he learns from Isaac that this too has been stolen from him by Jacob. He begins to bitterly sob begging Issac for any blessing that he can provide. Esau finally realizes the magnitude of what he has lost.

Esau's predicament is something we all can relate to. I may not have traded my birthright for a good meal, but there are several times in my life I have misjudged the value of an exchange. I have given more than I received in relationships. I have undervalued what I have. I haven't taken into account the importance of decisions I made on my future. Much like Esau when there has been some time has passed it was easier to see what the true cost of some of my decisions has been. As I've gotten older I've learned to slow down when I make decisions and try and take all the consequences into account. Esau matured over time and hopefully we do too.

This is such a timely lesson in my life right now. I have a teenager on the verge of being an "adult." This has been a difficult season as we all try to adjust to our new dynamic and roles. Some of his behavior and his attitude remind me of young Esau. More focused on the immediate fulfillment of desire and less on the long game. As a parent, you teach them the best you can and try to shape them into productive and hopefully amazing human beings. At some point, you have to release your grip and allow them to make their own decisions, their own mistakes. All you can do is hope they make good choices.

Take some time to reflect. What lessons have you learned the hard way? How has your decision-making process changed over time? Are you a young Esau, or an older Esau?

Analysis Paralysis

I am super analytical with myself. I analyze everything from the way I write, to the things I say, to the way I behave in a group. I also analysis everything else in my life. My relationships, my career options, and what I want to do with my life. I scrutinize every tiny bit. It can be exhausting. I am getting a little better at cutting myself some slack, but over-analyzing is still my default.

Like Danielle LaPorte says, "Too much analysis can lead to paralysis." I am guilty of spending way too much time thinking about things and not enough time executing actions. I get so wrapped up in thinking about all the angles or possibilities in a situation I can freeze. I will start to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. I am starting to realize making a mistake is far better than being stuck in place by our own fears. We can miss out on so much by allowing our fear to run the show.

This is one of the things I am working on. I am taking baby steps in getting out of my head and moving on the things I want. I am learning to move through my fears instead of allowing them to hold me at bay. It's a lot of work! Especially when you have spent so long camping inside your own head. It can be extremely scary to allow ourselves to be vulnerabe and take risks, but any step forward is success when it comes analysis paralysis.

What do you think? Are you guilty of this too? How do you get past your analysis paralysis? Let me know!