Embracing Our Unworthy Feelings to Get to Worth

We are starting a new month this week! I can't believe we are just 2 months away from a new year. Time is just flying. Because we are entering a new month I wanted to start a new theme with my weekly affirmations. This week we are affirming "I am worthy."

I want to share a personal story about this particular affirmation. I always considered myself as someone who felt worthy. I had no idea how unworthy I felt until the beginning of this year. Several years ago I read about and started a habit of using affirmation as passwords in order to reinforce them. (I HIGHLY recommend this practice.) It was January and time for me to change one of my passwords. I was at a loss. I couldn't think of anything I really wanted to work on. So I casually chose "I am worthy," because it seemed nice and benign. It was not.

I noticed after a few weeks of starting to use this affirmation password I started feeling oh so not worthy. I started to compare myself to others very harshly. I started feeling out of place at work, and not good enough. I was struggling in my relationships. I was horribly insecure. Across the board I felt as if my life was completely falling apart. I just didn't understand what was happening.

The 6 months of typing this affirmation several times a day were uncomfortable and difficult, but it was a clear wake up call to myself. I realized in that time that I wasn't as happy as I thought. I didn't believe it myself as much as I thought. I also realized I had settled in many ways for what I was given instead of living a life I dreamed of. It was a turning point for me. It was a blessing in disguise.

"I am worthy" is a great affirmation for change. There are so many people who don't feel worthy somewhere in their life. In using this affirmation we can flush out those things that make us feel unworthy. We can find things we didn't even know were there that are keeping us stuck in the status quo. "I am worthy" helps us to confront those places that are broken inside and shine a healing light on them.

As for myself, I have spent the better part of the last year working on healing the issues I found. I have made great progress. I feel more worthy than ever. It has been an interesting process, and I am happy to do it. I am worthy, and so are you beloved.

What feelings does this weeks affirmation stir in you? Where do you not feel worthy in your life? What changes are you being called to make in your life.

Idols and Destiny

Lech Lecha

This weeks Torah portion is Lech Lecha. Lech Lecha means to go, or more literally "you go." In the few verses before this portion we are introduced to Abraham. In this weeks reading we see Abraham heed the call of God to leave his native land and fathers house. God tells Abraham to go forth and he will bless him in ways he can not imagine. Abraham obeys taking his family and nephew Lot with him. They fight a war, He and Lot separate, and in frustration at lack of an heir Abraham's wife Sarah sends her servant Hagar to be a stand in. Hagar bears a son, Ishmael. God again promises blessings and a son through Sarah, and commands Abraham to circumcise himself and his people to signify the covenant between them.

In the biblical account we aren't told how Abraham stumbled into monotheism. Unlike Moses much later there is no burning bush. No "ah ha" God moment. Only a clear command that is heeded. Go forth..and I will bless you. Abraham obeys without hesitation with complete faith and trust. This points to an intense type of intimacy between the two. But where did it come from?

One of the most beautiful things about Judaism in my opinion is that we don't have just the written Torah, but also the oral Torah. It is taught that when Moses was receiving the Torah at Sinai he was given both. The written is important, but the oral Torah fills in gaps and answers questions that just aren't covered in the written words.

Abraham destroying idols.

From the oral Torah we learn that Abraham's father Terah was an idol maker, and sold them for a living. Abraham was considered a rational and intelligent boy who was unafraid to challange convention. He saw the idols for what they were. And, when left in charge of his fathers shop, he destroyed all but the largest idol. When Terah came back and demanded an explanation, Abraham said the remaining idol smashed all the others for their grain offerings. Terah accused Abraham of lying because the idol weren't alive, it wasn't possible for his story to be true. Abraham then asked his father, "Then why worship the lifeless work of your hands?" The Midrash teaches that Abraham didn't believe in the One God because he spoke to him or did anything to prove his existence to Abraham. Abraham discovered God for himself.

I like this story because it is a wonderful example of how listening to and honoring our own inner truth can and will completely change the trajectory of our lives. Abraham listened. He left his land, his fathers house, and ventured out living a nomadic life. We too can listen to our own inner voice. Call it God, Holy Spirit, the Universe, or the subconscious. It doesn't answer to a specific name. It is just that still small voice inside, guiding us to our destinies. Helping us make better choices. Showing us our gifts.

Like Abraham we too must destroy idols along the way. Usually they aren't actual sculptures of gods. They look more like wasting our lives in front of reality TV shows at the expense of connecting with our families. Working excessively to prove our worth. Being preoccupied with the "right appearance." Fear of change can be a crippling idol. We fall prey to the idols we create with our own hands just like Terah, and our own thoughts. We allow false beliefs to trick us into living a life that is less than what we deserve. Less than what we are called to.

Abraham had NO idea where he was going or what was going to happen to him once he left. He just knew that his God, the still small voice from within, told him to go. He walked away from the land he knew, destroying the idols of security and assurance. He left his fathers house, destroying the idol of tradition for the sake of tradition. He turned away from what he had, and turned towards something greater. His destiny.

What price are you paying for your security? What are you trading for the status quo? What idols do you see in your life that are keeping you from fulfilling your destiny? What idols are you willing to destroy today?

Perfectly Imperfect

I have carried a lot of questionable stories about myself most of my life. Stories I took for the truth. Stories of my worth. Stories of who I am as a person. Stories of what I am capable of. What I can and can't do.

Here in year 39 I am becoming acutely aware of the amount of bullshit I believe about myself that isn't true at all. I am reexamining my stories. Taking each one and holding it. Inspecting it. Asking myself, "Is this true?" (Thank you Byron Katie) Who told you that? Why do you believe that?

I am coming to terms with my own truth. Finding the stories that no longer work for me. Seeing them for the over sized cloaks they are and slipping out of them with as much grace as I can. I am dropping  the unmanageable bags full of shit that I have insisted on carrying for close to 40 years. I am letting go. Slowly. Surely. Imperfectly.

I am embracing what I know is real. I am loving myself as I am. I am enjoying these moments of growth and clarity. Beloved, I am embracing my perfectly imperfect self. It has given me a clarity I have never had before. I have come to understand that sometimes we just need to set things down, simply because they are heavy.

I am looking my vulnerability in the face and seeing it's beauty. I desire to share more of it with the world as scary as that might be. It is exquisite. There is strength here imperfect as it may be. I am seeing myself for the first time.

The Beauty of Destruction

This weeks Torah portion is Noach. Obviously named after Noah it contains the story of the ark, the flood, the tower of Babel, and the introduction to Abram.

Noach from Chabad.org

If you were hoping I was going to talk about the flood (well, maybe I will a little), I'm sorry to disappoint. If you want me to talk about the ark, you too will be disappointed. I'm not going to expound on the strangeness of the tower of Babel,  I'm not going to quote any verses, or talk about the validity of the stories contained in Noach. I want to talk about a theme we find within. One that reaches far outside this weeks studies. I want to talk about the beauty of destruction.

Some may find it morbid or questionable that I am suggesting that destruction could be considered beautiful; especially at this time when there has been so much loss due to natural disasters. I believe that destruction is important for growth, and these stories from Noach are perfect examples of why.

When we come upon the story of the great flood, we find God unhappy with the humans inhabiting the world he created. At the end of Bereshit we see that God isn't just unhappy, but that he actually regrets making man. Ouch. His solution to sooth His saddened heart is to flood the earth and destroy everything he created. And, minus a few people (Noah and his family), and a few animals (2 by 2 was it?)  that is exactly what happens. Total annihilation of the people, the flora, and the fauna of the planet.

Destruction. Total and complete. Or is it? It is clear that once the waters receded that plants grew. The animals thrived, and too the people. Things are different in this new world. If you read closely there are many parallels to the creation story here. God creates a new covenant with Noach. He blesses him and his family. It is as if Noah is the new Adam. All people will spring forth from his line. It is a new beginning.

Without the destruction there is no new start, no growth. We see this in nature very prominently. Forest fires clear old under growth. Foreign species of plants and animals over take new areas, often destroying the current system. It is, if I can borrow a line from Disney, the circle of life. Things die away to give birth to the new. It can be painful, but it is beautiful nonetheless.

Imagine a blank canvas. White. Pristine. The moment the first stroke is made by the painter it too is destroyed. We don't call it that though. We call it art. In order to make something new we have to sacrifice something that already exists. To create beauty we much let go of what is. But what was before is never really gone. It lives on in the new creation. It is still there, but just in another form. The canvas is the base of the art. The new growth after the flood can only happen if the old transforms into rich soil that supports it.

In our lives people come and go. We grow and learn new lessons. Our childhood is "destroyed" as we become adults. All that came before this moment helped to create what we are now. It is not truly gone, for without it we would not be here now. It has simply metamorphosed. What was before is always with us. Destruction is beautiful because it creates the here and now. The constant renewing of ourselves and the world.

Be Here Now or My Judging Mind

I love mindfulness meditation. It is free of religions connotations so anyone can do it. You can do it
anywhere at anytime. There are multiple benefits such as reduced stress, lower blood pressure, and improved sleep just to name a few.

There is no pressure to force your mind to be silent. Only watching. Observing thoughts as they float through, and naming them. In mindfulness meditation when you find thoughts floating through your mind you simply say internally "thinking." Then let go and allow the thoughts to evaporate.

"I have to pay this bill or call this person or do this thing." There they are. Those pesky thoughts. I see you. I can just name you and let you leave. "Thinking." Why is this taking so long? Am I even doing this right? "Thinking." Why haven't I heard back from that job I applied for? "Thinking." Does anyone love me? Do I love me?? "Thinking."

I've been thinking (no pun intended) a lot about this concept all week. If this can work during meditation why can't it work as I wander through my day as well? Why can't I just name thoughts as they float through during my drive, or at work, or even when I'm on the phone with someone? Not out loud unless it's appropriate, but just call things out when necessary bringing me back to the present moment and too myself.

Confession time. I am extremely judgmental. It is painful to say that, because that's not the way I want to see myself at all. However if I am truly honest I judge just about everything. I judge myself for my weight, my looks, my awkwardness in communicating with other people. I judge how fast I read, how well I write, my punctuation and spelling, and my work. I judge how much I verbally participate in class. I judge my text message content. I am hypercritical of myself at almost all times. And I didn't even realize it until very recently when I started using this mindfulness technique all day long.

I am super judgmental when I drive. Not of myself, because I am perfect behind the wheel, but every other person on the road. No one can drive right in Houston. At least that's what my mind says incessantly as I go about my daily commute.

It was driving one morning when I got the idea to start applying the naming technique to my judging thoughts. I decided that every time I caught myself thinking a judgmental thought about another driver I would simply think the word "judging" and let the thought float away.

USE A F*#$*)N% BLINKER! "Judging." Why are you going so slow???? "Judging." This is not a two lane left turn jerk! "Judging." Stop texting and drive! "Judging."

After a few days of doing this practice I noticed something. I was becoming more aware of my judging thoughts. Not just while I was driving but all throughout the day. I started at work. I was judging someone else's actions and instinctively named the thought. I also noticed when I did this it became easier and easier to detach from the judging thoughts themselves. Which really is the whole point of this technique; to see that our thoughts are not really ours. To realize we are the observer, not the thinker.

Being able to draw myself back to the present and realize when I'm trying to trip down the rabbit hole of judgment has been of great benefit to me. I have been more aware of my own judgments. I have been acutely aware of how that distances me from others. How I have used judgment as a defense mechanism. How it has hurt my abilities to connect. Because I can now see it better, I can choose to make different decisions. I can be more present in the moment and  be honest with myself and others.

I love Ram Dass. I love his work. I love his book Be Here Now. This mindfulness meditation practice can get us out of our heads into the present moment. Here and now are really all we have. Be. Here. Now. No more judging. No more resistance. Be. Here. Now. Choose. Choose now. Over and over again. With each breath. Be. Here. Now.

Becoming Our Best Selves

This month we have chosen to do what is right even when it is hard, and realized that all progress takes place outside our comfort zone. This week we are affirming that "I am becoming the best version of myself."

Doing the hard stuff is helping us to grow into the best person we can be. Who is that? Only you know what the best version of you looks like. It is a daily climb that I truly believe never ends. Which is an amazingly fortunate thing!! Why you ask? Because if we are constantly trying to move forward, and we make mistakes, it's not the end of the road! We can always make a different choice. Mistakes are not to be feared. They are just a sign we need to make a course correction. It's that simple. Mistakes aren't to be feared, but to be respected. They should be "happy mistakes!" (Thank you Bob Ross.)

I know it is very easy to tell someone to embrace their happy mistakes and stop being afraid. If it were easy everyone would be doing it. Facing a situation where you can make a mistake can be scary. Every person has their own battle they are fighting, their own story we know nothing about. Some lives are harder than others. We never truly know someone else's life. But we do know our own. And we can start right where we are at in this moment to make different choices that will change our lives. Make the choices. Especially if they are scary ones to make.

How will you truly know if your decision is the right one if you never make it? Stop sitting on the sideline of your own life. Do it, what ever it is. DO IT! Put down the stories you tell yourself about how it's not going to work. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough. You're not successful enough. You're not enough. Because beloved you ARE enough. Just as you are, right now in this moment. You. Are. Enough.

I have allowed so many false truths I believed about myself to keep me frozen in place for years. I allowed fear to hold me back while I dreamt of more. I let fear lead the dance. It would be ridiculous to say I or anyone else can turn that around over night. I'm going to be honest if nothing else. It is a process. It can be long and hard if we continue to resist, and there will be moment we will. But it will get better with time, practice, and patience.

Every day we can rise up and make different choices. And so I do. I write. I write regardless of how it will be received. I write even when I think I sound ridiculous and holier than thou. I write even when I'm afraid of what others will think. I write because I feel compelled. I write because I feel it bubbling in my blood, and I always have. I was too afraid before. And I am afraid now. But I want to see what happens if I don't give up. I want to see how it turns out, mistakes and all.

I am committed to become the best version of myself. I can do this by accepting my fears, understanding my mistakes, and stepping out in faith that in the end I will end up right where I need to be. You can too beloved. You. Are. Enough.

In the Beginning or Being a Better Person

This week the study of Torah starts all the way over and takes us back to Genesis or as it's known in Judaism as Bereshit. Starting this week I am planning on writing a "Shabbat Thought" about that weeks Parsha (portion) and posting it on Friday. I will be using the biblical text, however I will be painting my thoughts with a much broader brush stroke. The lessons are Universal. Even if you aren't religious I believe you can take something wonderful away from what I write, and I hope it gives you something to think about too.

Genesis. Creation of the world. The fall of man. All of this and more are covered in the first Torah portion Bereshit, which means "in the beginning." Almost every civilization contains a creation story, and ours has shaped large portions of history and the world. Today though I want to focus on one sentence.

Our scene opens in the garden. We find the man and woman hiding among the trees. They hear the sound of God moving. And then God calls out, "Where are you?"

Hold on. What? Are you going to tell me that an all knowing, all seeing God doesn't know where the man and woman are? I don't buy it. It makes no sense. There must be another meaning underneath. Another layer.

A commentary on this verse in the Stone Edition of the Tanach poses that God's question what meant to open a dialog with the hope that Adam would be repentant. A second commentary in Etz Hayim states God asks the question, "Where are you?," so that Adam might turn inward and ask himself, "Where am I in relation to God?" What God is really asking is, "Have you changed? Do you regret what you did?"

If we move forward in time to the story of Cain and Abel, in Genesis 4:9 we find God posing a very similar question to Cain. "Where is Abel your brother?" Again it appears that God is giving Cain the ability to seek repentance and come clean. And like his father before him, Cain takes a different path.

We all do things that are wrong and harmful to ourselves and others. There are many ways to handle our mistakes. We can step up and admit what we did, or we can make excuses, blame, or attempt to lie our way out of it. The choice is always ours.

The choice is always ours. In the story God is calling out, but today it's our conscious or our partner or our friend calling us to see our mistakes and make them right. We can ask ourselves, where am I? Where am I in relation to others? Did I make a mistakes? Do I regret what I did? How can I change? How can I make it right? What is my part in all of this? How can I be a better person?

Much like God gave Adam and Cain the opportunity to turn and admit their wrongs in both stories, we are given many opportunities to get it right. We can always try again.  All we have to do is make the choice. We can always begin again if we are willing. And that is the lesson here in Bereshit..."In the beginning..." again and again.

Random Jewish Thoughts on a Thursday

A few random final thoughts as Sukkot comes to a close.

1. The sukkah is an impermanent structure. Like our bodies. It is a reminder that from dust we came and to dust we shall return. Nothing is forever.

Wood Sukkah

2. The sukkah has one open side to create a feeling of hospitality, and we are to invite others in. We even symbolically invite the patriarchs in each night. So too we should welcome others into our hearts with love. We should welcome the teachings that inspire and help us grow as well.

3. The roof of the sukkah should be made of a material that lets the light of the stars in. We too should stop and let the light in.

Boho Sukkah

4. The sukkah is to be decorated inside. So too should we decorate our hearts and soul with things of beauty. Love, compassion, devotion, charity, and grace to name a few.

5. We are commanded to shake the lulav (a group of 4 different species of plants.) This leads to a dance of sort. This can create great joy in doing something that feels silly. We too should always remember to look for the joyful moments as we move through our lives. If you don't see them, make them!

Fancy Sukkah

And now that Sukkot is drawing to a close we are about to start a whole new adventure. We are about to roll the Torah scrolls all the way back. To start at the beginning once again with Genesis or Bereshit as it is known in Judaism. Another year, another cycle, of creating, growing, and enjoying our impermanent lives. May the light bless you and keep you another year.

The Big Suck

I joined a reading challenge on Goodreads, and my goal for the year is 100 books. I am at 80 as we speak and am on track to making my goal. I haven't read this voraciously in many years. I realize how much I missed it.

One of the books I read is "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. I will be the first to say this book is not at all what I was expecting. I was drawn in by the amazing storytelling of the author. His finer points were not lost on me either. It was thoroughly enjoyable. It was so good that I plan on actually buying a physical copy to keep and reread. (Support your local library guys!)

One of the things that Mark said that really stuck with me is, "It's ok for stuff to suck sometimes." It was really an ah-ha moment for me. We live in a society that tells us we need to be happy all the time. We need to do any and everything that we can to make sure we in no way suffer, are uncomfortable, or feel our unpleasant feelings. We hear messages all the time reinforcing these ideas. But it's a lie. Life is not perfect. We shouldn't strive for perfection. It's not obtainable. We only cause ourselves more discomfort and pain in the long run by clinging to this idea of perfection.

I have been guilty of this. I sometimes have a Pollyanna outlook. I can be too positive, always looking for the silver lining. And that's great! Except when I just need to sit with my feelings. When I need to accept life on life's terms. When I need to really see the reality of where I am.

I am getting better at letting stuff just suck sometimes. I am getting better at stepping back, assessing what is mine to take care of, and letting other people take care of their stuff. I am embracing the suck when it appears, thanking it, and letting go of the need for perfection. I am enjoying my life so much more this way.

Monday Motivation

What small thing can you do today to move you towards your greater goal?

Moving Outside Our Comfort Zone

Last week we affirmed, "I choose to do what is right, even if it isn't easy." Doing what is not easy can be as simple as stepping outside our comfort zones. That is where the magic happens! That is why out affirmation for this week is "All progress takes place outside our comfort zone."

I am going through a season of life that is really making me stretch outside of what I am used to. As a parent I have a child about to turn 18 and graduate. I now have 3 in high school. In the next four years I will face change after change. It is scary and amazing at the same time. This has caused my parenting style to change. My relationships with my children have begun to evolve. We are all becoming different people and growing.

I am learning so much about myself as my family transforms. I am rediscovering old passions. I am changing beliefs about myself, who I am, and what I am capable of. All of this progress is only possible because I have not only stepped outside my comfort zone, but because I have embraced it. I am excited about this new season.

It can be scary to make changes in our lives, especially when there is much at stake. To move forward we often need to take risks. Getting comfortable with risk can be life changing. What do you want to accomplish? Where do you see the need for progress in your life? What can you do to get outside your comfort zone to accomplish it?

I'm not REALLY Talking About Sukkot or Why You Are Me

It has been a week friends. A week of sadness, violence, and struggle. I'm not going to talk about any of those things though. I think enough people have already said all that needs to be said. I just wanted to share what's been bubbling around in my heart.

This week the Jewish holiday of Sukkot starts. It is the "Feast of Tabernacles." I am NOT going to write about Sukkot though. I AM going to share a wonderful idea from some of my study of the holiday, and a few more thoughts about life. 

 

Check out the American Jewish World Service by clicking HERE!

The sukkah is the little temporary hut Jewish families build for the holiday. And temporary it is. As a rule, it can not be a permanent structure. One side must be more open. The roof must be made of plant material but cannot block out the stars. If you are standing in the sukkah at night you must see stars. Traditionally you eat and sleep in it. I believe the sukkah is a throwback to the time of both Abraham and the Hebrews as they wandered through the desert. It is a reminder that life is fragile and impermanent. We are all wanders.

Rabbi Noa Kushner said, "The sukkah can help us remember this basic truth: we are all living under the same roof." I love this idea. It is a wonderful reminder that regardless of race, religion, or nationality we are all living under one big vast and beautiful sky. We are all one really.

Similarly, Yogi Bhajan the spiritual teacher who introduced Kundalini yoga to the western world said, "Recognize the other person is you." There are many meanings to this I believe, but the core for me is seeing that we are all the same, again we are all one. Just like you have hopes, dreams, fears, and desires so too do everyone else. They may not be the same, they may not have the same priorities, but other people are no less deserving of love, care, and respect. When we can see the humanity of the "other" person we have succeeded. 

Recognizing the other person is you can also be understood to mean that there is truly NO separation. We may be in sperate bodies, living "separate" lives, but in reality, we are all connected. We have all ended up on the same rock hurling through space, breathing the same air, feeling the same beams of the sun radiating down upon us. We are all a part of this enormous living breathing thing we know as the Universe. Whether you are spiritual or not, you can not deny there is an innerconnectedness to being. We are one. 

This brings me to the final quote I would like to share. Ram Dass is famously quoted as saying, "We are all just walking each other home." This is truly one of my favorite quotes of all time. It is beautifully heartbreaking. Regardless of the turmoils and stresses that surround us, we are simply moving through life together until the end. We are all walking each other home.

There is so much pain in the world around us. This is not new, and will not end. If we could stop and take a moment. If we could gaze up into the night's sky peppered with brilliant lights from far away. If we realized for even a brief moment how amazing this life, this world, truly is. If we could just see that we are all living under the same roof. That each and every person we meet is just us in different clothes. If we all could just turn to our family, friends, neighbors, and strangers and truly see them. Then we would see ourselves. We would be able to reach across whatever divides us and take someone else's hand. At the end of the day my friends, we are all just walking each other home. Let's do it with love. Let's do it with compassion. And then, maybe then, we will all find some peace.

Wisdom Wednesday

Choosing What Is Right

We faces hundreds of choices every day. Some are as benign as what socks we are going to wear or what coffee cup we are going to use. Some are a bit more difficult. How are we going to respond to that work email or what are we eating for lunch? Some choices are easy. Some choices are hard. Some choices are life changing. But whatever they are, choices are all around us.

All of that being said this weeks affirmation is, "I choose to do what is right, even if it isn't easy." I was drawn to this particular affirmation because it reinforces our ability to make the right decisions for ourselves, especially when it is difficult.

What is right? Here I believe what is right is what is in our best interest. There have been many times I knew a decision was right for me, but I struggled with the follow through of doing it. It made me completely uncomfortable either because it forced me out of my comfort zone, or because I had to set boundaries with others or myself that I wasn't ready to enforce. There have been plenty of times I took the easy path, and I regretted it dearly.

Right now I have a situation I am struggling to make the right decisions in. My instinct is to make the same choices I always do, but deep down I know I need to go in a different direction. So with grace I am taking it one day at a time, doing what I know is right for me, and making the better choice even when it isn't easy.

"I choose to do what is right, even if it isn't easy." Every day we can practice self-love by choosing what is right, knowing that any discomfort we may feel with eventually subside. Knowing we will be stronger in the end.