Wrestling For Your Blessing

Vay-ishlach

The Torah portion for this week is one packed full of meaning for me personally. Let's get an overview first before we dive into the meat of it all. Vay-ishlach translates to "he sent," and as we open this portion Jacob is sending messengers ahead to Esau to let him know they are coming. When the messengers return they relay that not only is Esau himself coming but he is bringing 400 men with him. When the brothers last saw each other Esau made it clear he desired to kill Jacob for stealing his birthright and blessing. Jacob is terrified and splits his group into two camps. At least if they are attacked he thinks half of them have a chance of escaping. They camp there overnight and Jacob awakens with fresh ideas. He sends several droves of livestock as a gift to Esau hoping it will sway his anger.

Jacob sends his family across the river and camps alone for the night. An angel or man comes upon him and they wrestle through the night. It is clear that Jacob is not giving up even after he is injured. He refuses to let go until the angel/man blesses him. The angel gives him the name Israel.

Esau embracing Jacob

Jacob proceeds across the water into the land with his family. When Esau sees him he grabs Jacob and weeps with happiness. He invites Jacob to return with him, but Jacob ventures a different way and sets up camp elsewhere. Here the family is living in the land of another tribe. Jacob's only daughter Dinah is either raped or falls in love with someone from the other tribe. (The original Hebrew makes the translation questionable.) He wants to take Dinah as his wife, however, Dinah's brothers are offended and have no interest in letting that happen. They trick the men in the other tribe into circumcising themselves. When they are at their weakest Jacob's son's pounce, slaughtering all of the men and retrieving Dinah. They also take the livestock and women as captives. Jacob is angry. His sons clearly did this without his blessing.

Jacob decides to leave and travel back to Bethel for their safety. Once in Bethel God appears once again to Jacob. He reminds Jacob of the promise of the land and reiterates the name change given him. He is to be known as Israel. Jacob sets up an altar there to mark the holy place.

Jacob decides it is finally time to return to his father's land. During the travels, Rachel dies in childbirth and is buried on the side of the road. Only after they reach Isaac's home does Isaac finally die. Esau and Jacob bury their father. Our portion ends with several lists of descendants.

The part of the portion that speaks the most to me personally actually begins right before Jacob wrestles with the angel/man. Jacob is about to enter the land of his father. He is preparing to meet Esau, and so he sends word to his brother he is coming. When the messenger returns with word that Esau is coming out to meet him and he is bringing 400 men with him Jacob becomes extremely anxious. He fears what his brother's intentions are. Is he coming to kill me as he promised before we parted last? Is he coming to kill all of my children? Will he take everything I have worked so hard for? Jacob's anxiety is palpable.

Extreme anxiety is something I have had to deal with all my life. My mind goes into overdrive when I perceive a threat, real or imagined. Like Jacob, I imagine every possible outcome and I look for every possible way out of the situation. In an effort to save some of his people Jacob splits his group into two camps. I see it as a way of bargaining. If I can't protect everything what can I save? Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst.

  

Jacob Wrestling with the Angel

 In the next scene, we find Jacob alone. He is met by a man, or angel depending on the translating.   In the Tanakh God and angels can appear in human form so some commentaries believe it is actually an angelic being Jacob is wrestling with. His identity is a mystery as well as why he attacks Jacob. I think of this scene as an analogy for my anxiety. In the dark, when I am alone, it can seize me in such a way that it feels like I am physically wrestling someone. I lay in bed, struggling with the thoughts and visions in my head. The what ifs. The whys. Overthinking. Over-analyzing.

The two continue to struggle through the night. Jacob refuses to let go without a blessing from the man. I believe Jacob knows at this point it's not just a man he is wrestling with. He can see there is something greater at work. The blessing? A change of name. In Judaism, it is believed that a change in name can indicate a change in destiny. It seems that in this moment Jacob's whole life is about to change. Israel doesn't have a direct translation. It is derived from the Hebrew root word "yisra" meaning to struggle or strive. Here are a few attempts at translation: May God prevail; God perseveres; God contends; He struggles with God. Isn't it interesting that in the story Jacob appears to win by holding out for the blessing, but his new name seems to indicate that God has won instead?

Struggling with anxiety can be just like this. You wrestle and wrestle. In the end, you are still there. Alive despite what your mind has told you will happen. But even though you prevailed through the anxiety, you don't ever really win. You just survive to fight another day. It sounds hopeless, right? But I have a different perspective. I can use all the tools in my toolbox to manage my anxiety; hypnosis, meditation, essential oils, etc. I can do everything right and still get overwhelming anxiety. Still, I wrestle with it. I know, however, the sun will rise. There will be another day. I will survive. I will persevere despite the best efforts of my anxious mind. I just have to hold on. There is blessing in the struggle.

What are you wrestling with? Do you relate to this story of Jacob like I do? I'd love to know.