Wrestling For Your Blessing

Vay-ishlach

The Torah portion for this week is one packed full of meaning for me personally. Let's get an overview first before we dive into the meat of it all. Vay-ishlach translates to "he sent," and as we open this portion Jacob is sending messengers ahead to Esau to let him know they are coming. When the messengers return they relay that not only is Esau himself coming but he is bringing 400 men with him. When the brothers last saw each other Esau made it clear he desired to kill Jacob for stealing his birthright and blessing. Jacob is terrified and splits his group into two camps. At least if they are attacked he thinks half of them have a chance of escaping. They camp there overnight and Jacob awakens with fresh ideas. He sends several droves of livestock as a gift to Esau hoping it will sway his anger.

Jacob sends his family across the river and camps alone for the night. An angel or man comes upon him and they wrestle through the night. It is clear that Jacob is not giving up even after he is injured. He refuses to let go until the angel/man blesses him. The angel gives him the name Israel.

Esau embracing Jacob

Jacob proceeds across the water into the land with his family. When Esau sees him he grabs Jacob and weeps with happiness. He invites Jacob to return with him, but Jacob ventures a different way and sets up camp elsewhere. Here the family is living in the land of another tribe. Jacob's only daughter Dinah is either raped or falls in love with someone from the other tribe. (The original Hebrew makes the translation questionable.) He wants to take Dinah as his wife, however, Dinah's brothers are offended and have no interest in letting that happen. They trick the men in the other tribe into circumcising themselves. When they are at their weakest Jacob's son's pounce, slaughtering all of the men and retrieving Dinah. They also take the livestock and women as captives. Jacob is angry. His sons clearly did this without his blessing.

Jacob decides to leave and travel back to Bethel for their safety. Once in Bethel God appears once again to Jacob. He reminds Jacob of the promise of the land and reiterates the name change given him. He is to be known as Israel. Jacob sets up an altar there to mark the holy place.

Jacob decides it is finally time to return to his father's land. During the travels, Rachel dies in childbirth and is buried on the side of the road. Only after they reach Isaac's home does Isaac finally die. Esau and Jacob bury their father. Our portion ends with several lists of descendants.

The part of the portion that speaks the most to me personally actually begins right before Jacob wrestles with the angel/man. Jacob is about to enter the land of his father. He is preparing to meet Esau, and so he sends word to his brother he is coming. When the messenger returns with word that Esau is coming out to meet him and he is bringing 400 men with him Jacob becomes extremely anxious. He fears what his brother's intentions are. Is he coming to kill me as he promised before we parted last? Is he coming to kill all of my children? Will he take everything I have worked so hard for? Jacob's anxiety is palpable.

Extreme anxiety is something I have had to deal with all my life. My mind goes into overdrive when I perceive a threat, real or imagined. Like Jacob, I imagine every possible outcome and I look for every possible way out of the situation. In an effort to save some of his people Jacob splits his group into two camps. I see it as a way of bargaining. If I can't protect everything what can I save? Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst.

  

Jacob Wrestling with the Angel

 In the next scene, we find Jacob alone. He is met by a man, or angel depending on the translating.   In the Tanakh God and angels can appear in human form so some commentaries believe it is actually an angelic being Jacob is wrestling with. His identity is a mystery as well as why he attacks Jacob. I think of this scene as an analogy for my anxiety. In the dark, when I am alone, it can seize me in such a way that it feels like I am physically wrestling someone. I lay in bed, struggling with the thoughts and visions in my head. The what ifs. The whys. Overthinking. Over-analyzing.

The two continue to struggle through the night. Jacob refuses to let go without a blessing from the man. I believe Jacob knows at this point it's not just a man he is wrestling with. He can see there is something greater at work. The blessing? A change of name. In Judaism, it is believed that a change in name can indicate a change in destiny. It seems that in this moment Jacob's whole life is about to change. Israel doesn't have a direct translation. It is derived from the Hebrew root word "yisra" meaning to struggle or strive. Here are a few attempts at translation: May God prevail; God perseveres; God contends; He struggles with God. Isn't it interesting that in the story Jacob appears to win by holding out for the blessing, but his new name seems to indicate that God has won instead?

Struggling with anxiety can be just like this. You wrestle and wrestle. In the end, you are still there. Alive despite what your mind has told you will happen. But even though you prevailed through the anxiety, you don't ever really win. You just survive to fight another day. It sounds hopeless, right? But I have a different perspective. I can use all the tools in my toolbox to manage my anxiety; hypnosis, meditation, essential oils, etc. I can do everything right and still get overwhelming anxiety. Still, I wrestle with it. I know, however, the sun will rise. There will be another day. I will survive. I will persevere despite the best efforts of my anxious mind. I just have to hold on. There is blessing in the struggle.

What are you wrestling with? Do you relate to this story of Jacob like I do? I'd love to know.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have carried a lot of questionable stories about myself most of my life. Stories I took for the truth. Stories of my worth. Stories of who I am as a person. Stories of what I am capable of. What I can and can't do.

Here in year 39 I am becoming acutely aware of the amount of bullshit I believe about myself that isn't true at all. I am reexamining my stories. Taking each one and holding it. Inspecting it. Asking myself, "Is this true?" (Thank you Byron Katie) Who told you that? Why do you believe that?

I am coming to terms with my own truth. Finding the stories that no longer work for me. Seeing them for the over sized cloaks they are and slipping out of them with as much grace as I can. I am dropping  the unmanageable bags full of shit that I have insisted on carrying for close to 40 years. I am letting go. Slowly. Surely. Imperfectly.

I am embracing what I know is real. I am loving myself as I am. I am enjoying these moments of growth and clarity. Beloved, I am embracing my perfectly imperfect self. It has given me a clarity I have never had before. I have come to understand that sometimes we just need to set things down, simply because they are heavy.

I am looking my vulnerability in the face and seeing it's beauty. I desire to share more of it with the world as scary as that might be. It is exquisite. There is strength here imperfect as it may be. I am seeing myself for the first time.

Be Here Now or My Judging Mind

I love mindfulness meditation. It is free of religions connotations so anyone can do it. You can do it
anywhere at anytime. There are multiple benefits such as reduced stress, lower blood pressure, and improved sleep just to name a few.

There is no pressure to force your mind to be silent. Only watching. Observing thoughts as they float through, and naming them. In mindfulness meditation when you find thoughts floating through your mind you simply say internally "thinking." Then let go and allow the thoughts to evaporate.

"I have to pay this bill or call this person or do this thing." There they are. Those pesky thoughts. I see you. I can just name you and let you leave. "Thinking." Why is this taking so long? Am I even doing this right? "Thinking." Why haven't I heard back from that job I applied for? "Thinking." Does anyone love me? Do I love me?? "Thinking."

I've been thinking (no pun intended) a lot about this concept all week. If this can work during meditation why can't it work as I wander through my day as well? Why can't I just name thoughts as they float through during my drive, or at work, or even when I'm on the phone with someone? Not out loud unless it's appropriate, but just call things out when necessary bringing me back to the present moment and too myself.

Confession time. I am extremely judgmental. It is painful to say that, because that's not the way I want to see myself at all. However if I am truly honest I judge just about everything. I judge myself for my weight, my looks, my awkwardness in communicating with other people. I judge how fast I read, how well I write, my punctuation and spelling, and my work. I judge how much I verbally participate in class. I judge my text message content. I am hypercritical of myself at almost all times. And I didn't even realize it until very recently when I started using this mindfulness technique all day long.

I am super judgmental when I drive. Not of myself, because I am perfect behind the wheel, but every other person on the road. No one can drive right in Houston. At least that's what my mind says incessantly as I go about my daily commute.

It was driving one morning when I got the idea to start applying the naming technique to my judging thoughts. I decided that every time I caught myself thinking a judgmental thought about another driver I would simply think the word "judging" and let the thought float away.

USE A F*#$*)N% BLINKER! "Judging." Why are you going so slow???? "Judging." This is not a two lane left turn jerk! "Judging." Stop texting and drive! "Judging."

After a few days of doing this practice I noticed something. I was becoming more aware of my judging thoughts. Not just while I was driving but all throughout the day. I started at work. I was judging someone else's actions and instinctively named the thought. I also noticed when I did this it became easier and easier to detach from the judging thoughts themselves. Which really is the whole point of this technique; to see that our thoughts are not really ours. To realize we are the observer, not the thinker.

Being able to draw myself back to the present and realize when I'm trying to trip down the rabbit hole of judgment has been of great benefit to me. I have been more aware of my own judgments. I have been acutely aware of how that distances me from others. How I have used judgment as a defense mechanism. How it has hurt my abilities to connect. Because I can now see it better, I can choose to make different decisions. I can be more present in the moment and  be honest with myself and others.

I love Ram Dass. I love his work. I love his book Be Here Now. This mindfulness meditation practice can get us out of our heads into the present moment. Here and now are really all we have. Be. Here. Now. No more judging. No more resistance. Be. Here. Now. Choose. Choose now. Over and over again. With each breath. Be. Here. Now.

Becoming Our Best Selves

This month we have chosen to do what is right even when it is hard, and realized that all progress takes place outside our comfort zone. This week we are affirming that "I am becoming the best version of myself."

Doing the hard stuff is helping us to grow into the best person we can be. Who is that? Only you know what the best version of you looks like. It is a daily climb that I truly believe never ends. Which is an amazingly fortunate thing!! Why you ask? Because if we are constantly trying to move forward, and we make mistakes, it's not the end of the road! We can always make a different choice. Mistakes are not to be feared. They are just a sign we need to make a course correction. It's that simple. Mistakes aren't to be feared, but to be respected. They should be "happy mistakes!" (Thank you Bob Ross.)

I know it is very easy to tell someone to embrace their happy mistakes and stop being afraid. If it were easy everyone would be doing it. Facing a situation where you can make a mistake can be scary. Every person has their own battle they are fighting, their own story we know nothing about. Some lives are harder than others. We never truly know someone else's life. But we do know our own. And we can start right where we are at in this moment to make different choices that will change our lives. Make the choices. Especially if they are scary ones to make.

How will you truly know if your decision is the right one if you never make it? Stop sitting on the sideline of your own life. Do it, what ever it is. DO IT! Put down the stories you tell yourself about how it's not going to work. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough. You're not successful enough. You're not enough. Because beloved you ARE enough. Just as you are, right now in this moment. You. Are. Enough.

I have allowed so many false truths I believed about myself to keep me frozen in place for years. I allowed fear to hold me back while I dreamt of more. I let fear lead the dance. It would be ridiculous to say I or anyone else can turn that around over night. I'm going to be honest if nothing else. It is a process. It can be long and hard if we continue to resist, and there will be moment we will. But it will get better with time, practice, and patience.

Every day we can rise up and make different choices. And so I do. I write. I write regardless of how it will be received. I write even when I think I sound ridiculous and holier than thou. I write even when I'm afraid of what others will think. I write because I feel compelled. I write because I feel it bubbling in my blood, and I always have. I was too afraid before. And I am afraid now. But I want to see what happens if I don't give up. I want to see how it turns out, mistakes and all.

I am committed to become the best version of myself. I can do this by accepting my fears, understanding my mistakes, and stepping out in faith that in the end I will end up right where I need to be. You can too beloved. You. Are. Enough.

Just Do It

It's a new week with a new affirmation! We accepted "I'm right where I need to be." We affirmed "I know what to do." So this week we realize "I get to take action."

I first read this affirmation and to be honest didn't feel so great about it. I get to take action? What is that? I was very suspect of the word get. It didn't sound fun or positive at all. If I've learned nothing else in my Torah studies I know that a word has many meanings, and sometimes we need to look at it from a different perspective to really understand the gravity of the word.

I went to Merriam Webster and explored the word get. There were several things that drew my attention. Get: to obtain possession of; to seek out and obtain; to make ready; to prevail on; to succeed in becoming. Really looking at the meaning behind the word get transformed my understanding of this affirmation.


Get: "To obtain possession." To really OWN our actions, and all of their consequences.

Get: "To seek out and obtain." To seek our greatest good at all times.

Get: "To make ready." To prepare ourselves for the future.

Get: "To prevail upon." To succeed against the obstacle before us.

Get: "To succeed in becoming." To do what it takes to become the best person we can be.

I Get to Take Action! I get to make the best decisions for myself, do the best I can, continue to prepare for the unknown, and know that I can and will succeed in becoming the person I am meant to be.

This week we know where we are, know what we should do next, and now we do it. What ever "it" is. That may be something as small as taking 10 minutes each day to check in with yourself and doing some self care, or as big as asking for a raise or promotion. Only you know what that next right action is. JUST DO IT!

Feathers and Hammers

I can be an asshole. That may shock some of you, but it is very true.  I am careful with my words, except when I’m not. This week has definitely been an exercise in NOT. I seem to be arguing with everyone; insurance providers, coworkers, children, the people at the optical, and my beloved spouse. My poor spouse has taken the brunt of my rude and sassy behavior this week. Kudos for not locking me out of the house. Kudos for not divorcing me.

In the heat of the moment it is so easy to lose sight of the impact your words have. As the quote says, they can either be feathers or hammers.  I have been beating the Hades out of almost everyone I have come in contact with this week. 

I am owning up to my bad behavior. I vow to lay my hammer down. I have to start reminding myself that like Ali my words need to be light as a feather. I need to be a better steward of the tongue I have been given, the grace I have been shown, and the words I think and use.

How have your words been landing this week?