Joseph, Destiny, and a Tiny Dancer

Joseph

I didn't write about the Torah portion last week, but that was purposeful. Last week and this week's readings include Joseph one of the sons of Jacob. I felt like what I had to write about his story was better said in one post.

The Torah portion from last week was Veyeshev, meaning "and he lived." It opens telling us that Jacob has settled in the land of Cannan. Joseph is 17 and the oldest son of Rachel, Jacob's favorite wife. Jacob so loves Joseph that he gives him a special coat. When his brothers see how much their father favors Jacob they hate him. Joseph also has vivid dreams of ruling over his brothers. Maybe he was nieve, but when he shared his dreams with his brothers they hated him even more.

Joseph's brothers hated him so much that one day while they are in the field watching the flocks, they saw Joseph coming from a distance and begin to plot against him. At first, they talk about killing him, but one of the brothers comes up with the idea of throwing him into a pit, and when traders passed they pulled him out and sold him as a slave. The traders take Joseph to Egypt and sell him off, while his brothers take his coat, cover it in blood, and return to Jacob to tell him Joseph is dead.

Joseph does well for himself in Egypt at first. He is a servant of Potiphar who is an associate of the pharaoh. He is trusted and given great responsibility in Potiphar's house. Potiphar's wife, however, had an eye for Joseph. Repeatedly she tries to get Joseph to have an affair with her. Repeatedly he denies her. One day she grabs Joseph, he is able to escape but leaves his garment behind. Potiphar's wife in anger that he continued to rebuff her claims Joseph attacked her, and Joseph is thrown in prison.

While in prison Joseph meets the cupbearer and the baker of the pharaoh. They had been confined for upsetting him. Joseph interprets dreams for both men. One was set to die, the other to be pardoned and returned to his place in the pharaoh's house. Joseph tells the cupbearer to remember him when he is pardoned.

Grains of Life

Joseph's story continues in Miketz, which translates as "at the end." It's been two years since the cupbearer left Joseph in prison. The pharaoh is having dreams that he can't understand. He is seeking someone to interpret them for him. It is at that moment the cupbearer remembers Joseph, and tells Pharoah about him. Joseph comes and hears the dreams. He interprets them to mean that there will be seven years of abundance of rain and grain, followed by seven years of drought and famine. Joseph tells Pharaoh he needs to store the excess grain during the first seven years, and appoint someone to manage the distribution of that grain during the famine. Pharoah was impressed by Joseph's understanding and believed he was filled with the spirit of God. Because of this Pharoah appoints Joseph over his court and he becomes second in command over all the land.





There is so much to unpack with the story of Joseph. He begins as a somewhat nieve boy. We have to ask, did he know that his dreams and interpretation of them would anger his brothers? Or was he showing off by boasting to them? He is the favored son after all. I think there was already enough animosity to go around. What was his motive? Did Joseph deserve the punishment his brother's concocted?

Joseph's story is one of roller coaster up and downs. The high of being the favored child, the low of being sold into slavery. The high of working for a high ranking official, the low of being sent to prison. Then the high of being rescued and placed in a place of power over Egypt.

From the beginning, Joseph knew his calling was big. Sharing it with his brothers may seem like a mistake, but it can't be. Without being sold into slavery Joseph wouldn't have ended up in Egypt. This seemingly horrible turn of events is a pinnacle moment. So too Joseph's imprisonment, without which he would have never met the cupbearer who told Pharoah about Joseph's gifts.

What can the story of Joseph teach us? I believe that most of us have a calling, a gift, or a mission in life. We can make choices that take us in a different direction, or be tossed around by the tempests of life, but one way or another we will arrive at the place or moment we are meant for. It can be so unbelievably small like a kind word at just the right moment, or extraordinarily large like running a country. Often times the things that seem to be detours are teaching us valuable lessons we need in order to be the best person we can be when we reach our pinnacle moments.

Much like Joseph, we can choose to see the negatives as working for our greatest good. Now I know that sounds trite, especially to people who have experienced great pain and loss. I in no way am trying to minimize your life experiences. I don't believe "everything happens for a reason." Things happen. Period. What I am saying is that I believe we can take those painful experiences and GIVE them the meaning we want. We are the writers of our story. Beginning to end.

Tiny Dancer Krista

What experiences have you had that you didn't realize until later were pinnacle moments? Lately, I feel like EVERY moment is a pinnacle moment for me. I have so much growth happening right now it can feel overwhelming.

I have been reflecting on my childhood, thinking about what made me who I am. This tiny dancer was so nervous to get on stage for the recital. Everything was going swimmingly. The music was great, she was hitting all her marks, and then a little two-year-old broke loose and ran around the stage. The audience exploded with laughter. Our tiny dancer was mortified, not yet understanding the social cues that the laughter was at the other child and not her. That one tiny moment set our little dancer up for a life of stage fright.

I still get extremely anxious getting in front of a room, even when it's people I know. So how do we rewrite that moment into something better? It is still something I am working on daily. I have set goals and push myself to get out of my comfort zone routinely. I am a work in progress. I glean hope from the story of Joseph. I remind myself that even when I am against what feels like overwhelming odds my story isn't over yet. I have a great distance still to go. But I am getting there. Write my story one day at a time.

Wrestling For Your Blessing

Vay-ishlach

The Torah portion for this week is one packed full of meaning for me personally. Let's get an overview first before we dive into the meat of it all. Vay-ishlach translates to "he sent," and as we open this portion Jacob is sending messengers ahead to Esau to let him know they are coming. When the messengers return they relay that not only is Esau himself coming but he is bringing 400 men with him. When the brothers last saw each other Esau made it clear he desired to kill Jacob for stealing his birthright and blessing. Jacob is terrified and splits his group into two camps. At least if they are attacked he thinks half of them have a chance of escaping. They camp there overnight and Jacob awakens with fresh ideas. He sends several droves of livestock as a gift to Esau hoping it will sway his anger.

Jacob sends his family across the river and camps alone for the night. An angel or man comes upon him and they wrestle through the night. It is clear that Jacob is not giving up even after he is injured. He refuses to let go until the angel/man blesses him. The angel gives him the name Israel.

Esau embracing Jacob

Jacob proceeds across the water into the land with his family. When Esau sees him he grabs Jacob and weeps with happiness. He invites Jacob to return with him, but Jacob ventures a different way and sets up camp elsewhere. Here the family is living in the land of another tribe. Jacob's only daughter Dinah is either raped or falls in love with someone from the other tribe. (The original Hebrew makes the translation questionable.) He wants to take Dinah as his wife, however, Dinah's brothers are offended and have no interest in letting that happen. They trick the men in the other tribe into circumcising themselves. When they are at their weakest Jacob's son's pounce, slaughtering all of the men and retrieving Dinah. They also take the livestock and women as captives. Jacob is angry. His sons clearly did this without his blessing.

Jacob decides to leave and travel back to Bethel for their safety. Once in Bethel God appears once again to Jacob. He reminds Jacob of the promise of the land and reiterates the name change given him. He is to be known as Israel. Jacob sets up an altar there to mark the holy place.

Jacob decides it is finally time to return to his father's land. During the travels, Rachel dies in childbirth and is buried on the side of the road. Only after they reach Isaac's home does Isaac finally die. Esau and Jacob bury their father. Our portion ends with several lists of descendants.

The part of the portion that speaks the most to me personally actually begins right before Jacob wrestles with the angel/man. Jacob is about to enter the land of his father. He is preparing to meet Esau, and so he sends word to his brother he is coming. When the messenger returns with word that Esau is coming out to meet him and he is bringing 400 men with him Jacob becomes extremely anxious. He fears what his brother's intentions are. Is he coming to kill me as he promised before we parted last? Is he coming to kill all of my children? Will he take everything I have worked so hard for? Jacob's anxiety is palpable.

Extreme anxiety is something I have had to deal with all my life. My mind goes into overdrive when I perceive a threat, real or imagined. Like Jacob, I imagine every possible outcome and I look for every possible way out of the situation. In an effort to save some of his people Jacob splits his group into two camps. I see it as a way of bargaining. If I can't protect everything what can I save? Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst.

  

Jacob Wrestling with the Angel

 In the next scene, we find Jacob alone. He is met by a man, or angel depending on the translating.   In the Tanakh God and angels can appear in human form so some commentaries believe it is actually an angelic being Jacob is wrestling with. His identity is a mystery as well as why he attacks Jacob. I think of this scene as an analogy for my anxiety. In the dark, when I am alone, it can seize me in such a way that it feels like I am physically wrestling someone. I lay in bed, struggling with the thoughts and visions in my head. The what ifs. The whys. Overthinking. Over-analyzing.

The two continue to struggle through the night. Jacob refuses to let go without a blessing from the man. I believe Jacob knows at this point it's not just a man he is wrestling with. He can see there is something greater at work. The blessing? A change of name. In Judaism, it is believed that a change in name can indicate a change in destiny. It seems that in this moment Jacob's whole life is about to change. Israel doesn't have a direct translation. It is derived from the Hebrew root word "yisra" meaning to struggle or strive. Here are a few attempts at translation: May God prevail; God perseveres; God contends; He struggles with God. Isn't it interesting that in the story Jacob appears to win by holding out for the blessing, but his new name seems to indicate that God has won instead?

Struggling with anxiety can be just like this. You wrestle and wrestle. In the end, you are still there. Alive despite what your mind has told you will happen. But even though you prevailed through the anxiety, you don't ever really win. You just survive to fight another day. It sounds hopeless, right? But I have a different perspective. I can use all the tools in my toolbox to manage my anxiety; hypnosis, meditation, essential oils, etc. I can do everything right and still get overwhelming anxiety. Still, I wrestle with it. I know, however, the sun will rise. There will be another day. I will survive. I will persevere despite the best efforts of my anxious mind. I just have to hold on. There is blessing in the struggle.

What are you wrestling with? Do you relate to this story of Jacob like I do? I'd love to know.

Birthright and Blessing

Isaac Giving Jacob His Blessing

The Torah portion for this week is Toldot. Translated it means "generations." Our reading starts out recounting the story of Issac. Which in honesty isn't the story of Isaac, but features his sons prominently. Toldot references both Abraham and Laban, which is possibly a foreshadowing that Laban will return to the story later. (Spoiler alert! He does.)

We learn that Rebekah struggles with infertility, but at last she conceives. There is a lot of struggle in her womb, she goes to pray, and Rebekah is given a prophecy. Two nations are in your womb God says. One will be greater than the other. The older will Serve the younger. Rebekah gives birth. Esau is born first, and when Jacob is born he is grasping Esau's heel.

Esau and Jacob

From the beginning, Esau and Jacob are polar opposites. Esau was a great hunter and a man of the outdoors. Because of his hunting skills, Issac favored him. Jacob was mild-mannered and preferred the quieter life of living within the camp. He was Rebekah's favorite. Esau is more impulsive and Jacob takes advantage of that fact by tricking Esau out of his birthright as well as his father's blessing with the help of his mother.

This moment of Esau giving away his birthright is where I find myself drawn in this week Torah portion. I believe it is closely connected to the end of the portion where Jacob also tricks their father into giving him a blessing, but the difference in Esau's reactions is what is the most interesting and telling part of all. Let's take a look at the initial interaction between Esau and Jacob.

The Birthright Exchange Moment

Jacob is making a stew. Esau returns to the camp and is drawn in by amazing smell of the food cooking. He tells Jacob to give him some stew because he is famished.

"Jacob said, 'First sell me your birthright.' And Esau said, 'I am at the point of death, so of what use is my birthright to me?' But Jacob said, 'Swear it to me first.' So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. Jacob then gave Esau bread and lentil stew; he ate and drank, and he rose and went away. Thus did Esau spurn the birthright." Genesis 25:31-35

Esau being the oldest was due to inherit his fathers land and flocks, as well as enjoy other benefits afforded to him due to his status as the firstborn. Even though we don't know what age they are it seems clear that Esau is pretty immature. Either he doesn't realize the magnitude of what he is agreeing to or he simply doesn't care.

If we fast forward to the end of the portion we find Isaac towards the end of his life and desiring to give Esau a blessing. Jacob with the help of Rebekah tricks Issac by pretending to be Esau and receives the blessing instead. When Esau returns from hunting he learns from Isaac that this too has been stolen from him by Jacob. He begins to bitterly sob begging Issac for any blessing that he can provide. Esau finally realizes the magnitude of what he has lost.

Esau's predicament is something we all can relate to. I may not have traded my birthright for a good meal, but there are several times in my life I have misjudged the value of an exchange. I have given more than I received in relationships. I have undervalued what I have. I haven't taken into account the importance of decisions I made on my future. Much like Esau when there has been some time has passed it was easier to see what the true cost of some of my decisions has been. As I've gotten older I've learned to slow down when I make decisions and try and take all the consequences into account. Esau matured over time and hopefully we do too.

This is such a timely lesson in my life right now. I have a teenager on the verge of being an "adult." This has been a difficult season as we all try to adjust to our new dynamic and roles. Some of his behavior and his attitude remind me of young Esau. More focused on the immediate fulfillment of desire and less on the long game. As a parent, you teach them the best you can and try to shape them into productive and hopefully amazing human beings. At some point, you have to release your grip and allow them to make their own decisions, their own mistakes. All you can do is hope they make good choices.

Take some time to reflect. What lessons have you learned the hard way? How has your decision-making process changed over time? Are you a young Esau, or an older Esau?

Analysis Paralysis

I am super analytical with myself. I analyze everything from the way I write, to the things I say, to the way I behave in a group. I also analysis everything else in my life. My relationships, my career options, and what I want to do with my life. I scrutinize every tiny bit. It can be exhausting. I am getting a little better at cutting myself some slack, but over-analyzing is still my default.

Like Danielle LaPorte says, "Too much analysis can lead to paralysis." I am guilty of spending way too much time thinking about things and not enough time executing actions. I get so wrapped up in thinking about all the angles or possibilities in a situation I can freeze. I will start to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. I am starting to realize making a mistake is far better than being stuck in place by our own fears. We can miss out on so much by allowing our fear to run the show.

This is one of the things I am working on. I am taking baby steps in getting out of my head and moving on the things I want. I am learning to move through my fears instead of allowing them to hold me at bay. It's a lot of work! Especially when you have spent so long camping inside your own head. It can be extremely scary to allow ourselves to be vulnerabe and take risks, but any step forward is success when it comes analysis paralysis.

What do you think? Are you guilty of this too? How do you get past your analysis paralysis? Let me know!

Growing Pains

The last few weeks have felt like a slog. I had made several big jumps in growth and then bam! Nothing. Everything ground to a halt. I was frustrated. Then I took my own advice and was a little more gentle with myself. I backed off my self imposed expectations of the speed I should be moving, and that allowed me to step back and look at the situation.

I realized I was simply just in a different part of the growth spiral. Growth like everything else in life ebbs and flows. After there is action you need time to see what the results of that action are. You also need time to reflect. To give the outcome the meaning it has for you. I was, and still am in some ways, in the feedback and reflection parts of that particular growth I experienced a few weeks ago. When we can recognize where we are it makes it easier to be understanding with ourselves and the movement, or lack there of, we are seeing.

This week I am choosing to be kinder to myself as I figure out all the new moving parts in my life. I accept that this feeling of stagnation isn't really that, but time for me to fully integrate and understand what the changes in my life mean for me. I am trying to take a lesson from nature. Plants and trees know when to grow, and they know when to rest. The seasons can teach us so much about birth, growth, death, and renewal. We too are part of this amazing natural world even though we often have constructed lives that take us far from it. Lives that make us feel other. Part of my acceptance work this week will be getting out into nature and feeling Her energy. Feeling the rhythm of it all. I invite you to do the same beloveds.