Wrestling For Your Blessing

Vay-ishlach

The Torah portion for this week is one packed full of meaning for me personally. Let's get an overview first before we dive into the meat of it all. Vay-ishlach translates to "he sent," and as we open this portion Jacob is sending messengers ahead to Esau to let him know they are coming. When the messengers return they relay that not only is Esau himself coming but he is bringing 400 men with him. When the brothers last saw each other Esau made it clear he desired to kill Jacob for stealing his birthright and blessing. Jacob is terrified and splits his group into two camps. At least if they are attacked he thinks half of them have a chance of escaping. They camp there overnight and Jacob awakens with fresh ideas. He sends several droves of livestock as a gift to Esau hoping it will sway his anger.

Jacob sends his family across the river and camps alone for the night. An angel or man comes upon him and they wrestle through the night. It is clear that Jacob is not giving up even after he is injured. He refuses to let go until the angel/man blesses him. The angel gives him the name Israel.

Esau embracing Jacob

Jacob proceeds across the water into the land with his family. When Esau sees him he grabs Jacob and weeps with happiness. He invites Jacob to return with him, but Jacob ventures a different way and sets up camp elsewhere. Here the family is living in the land of another tribe. Jacob's only daughter Dinah is either raped or falls in love with someone from the other tribe. (The original Hebrew makes the translation questionable.) He wants to take Dinah as his wife, however, Dinah's brothers are offended and have no interest in letting that happen. They trick the men in the other tribe into circumcising themselves. When they are at their weakest Jacob's son's pounce, slaughtering all of the men and retrieving Dinah. They also take the livestock and women as captives. Jacob is angry. His sons clearly did this without his blessing.

Jacob decides to leave and travel back to Bethel for their safety. Once in Bethel God appears once again to Jacob. He reminds Jacob of the promise of the land and reiterates the name change given him. He is to be known as Israel. Jacob sets up an altar there to mark the holy place.

Jacob decides it is finally time to return to his father's land. During the travels, Rachel dies in childbirth and is buried on the side of the road. Only after they reach Isaac's home does Isaac finally die. Esau and Jacob bury their father. Our portion ends with several lists of descendants.

The part of the portion that speaks the most to me personally actually begins right before Jacob wrestles with the angel/man. Jacob is about to enter the land of his father. He is preparing to meet Esau, and so he sends word to his brother he is coming. When the messenger returns with word that Esau is coming out to meet him and he is bringing 400 men with him Jacob becomes extremely anxious. He fears what his brother's intentions are. Is he coming to kill me as he promised before we parted last? Is he coming to kill all of my children? Will he take everything I have worked so hard for? Jacob's anxiety is palpable.

Extreme anxiety is something I have had to deal with all my life. My mind goes into overdrive when I perceive a threat, real or imagined. Like Jacob, I imagine every possible outcome and I look for every possible way out of the situation. In an effort to save some of his people Jacob splits his group into two camps. I see it as a way of bargaining. If I can't protect everything what can I save? Hoping for the best. Expecting the worst.

  

Jacob Wrestling with the Angel

 In the next scene, we find Jacob alone. He is met by a man, or angel depending on the translating.   In the Tanakh God and angels can appear in human form so some commentaries believe it is actually an angelic being Jacob is wrestling with. His identity is a mystery as well as why he attacks Jacob. I think of this scene as an analogy for my anxiety. In the dark, when I am alone, it can seize me in such a way that it feels like I am physically wrestling someone. I lay in bed, struggling with the thoughts and visions in my head. The what ifs. The whys. Overthinking. Over-analyzing.

The two continue to struggle through the night. Jacob refuses to let go without a blessing from the man. I believe Jacob knows at this point it's not just a man he is wrestling with. He can see there is something greater at work. The blessing? A change of name. In Judaism, it is believed that a change in name can indicate a change in destiny. It seems that in this moment Jacob's whole life is about to change. Israel doesn't have a direct translation. It is derived from the Hebrew root word "yisra" meaning to struggle or strive. Here are a few attempts at translation: May God prevail; God perseveres; God contends; He struggles with God. Isn't it interesting that in the story Jacob appears to win by holding out for the blessing, but his new name seems to indicate that God has won instead?

Struggling with anxiety can be just like this. You wrestle and wrestle. In the end, you are still there. Alive despite what your mind has told you will happen. But even though you prevailed through the anxiety, you don't ever really win. You just survive to fight another day. It sounds hopeless, right? But I have a different perspective. I can use all the tools in my toolbox to manage my anxiety; hypnosis, meditation, essential oils, etc. I can do everything right and still get overwhelming anxiety. Still, I wrestle with it. I know, however, the sun will rise. There will be another day. I will survive. I will persevere despite the best efforts of my anxious mind. I just have to hold on. There is blessing in the struggle.

What are you wrestling with? Do you relate to this story of Jacob like I do? I'd love to know.

The Things That Matter

I have company coming. It doesn't matter who is visiting, when I know someone is coming I see everything around me with a different eye. Where did those cobwebs come from? Has that stain always been on the couch? Is it too late to regrout the floor or paint the living room? The amount of anxiety I give myself up to the time of the actual visit is ridiculous.

I saw this quote from Gary Vaynerchuk today. "99% of the things around us don't matter." It gave me pause and allowed me to view what I was sweating over differently. Of course, I'm going to make sure my house is presentable. Of course, I will clean (a bit too much.) But I am refusing to tie myself in knots over it. It's not going to matter anyway! My visitor isn't going to be peaking behind my toilet or under my fridge looking for dust bunnies. All they are going to care about is seeing us. All they are going to care about is the love and laughs we are going to share. And, maybe a few bits of amazing food as well.

I know Gary wasn't talking about the state of my house. If you don't know Gary Vaynerchuk I recommend reading his books, or following him on Facebook, or both! He talks a lot about finding your passion and changing your life, in a no-nonsense way and often with colorful language. What Gary is trying to say here is to stop allowing all the bullshit and things that don't matter hold you back. Ignore the gossips at work. Don't worry about office politics. Don't follow someone else's dream. Do you! Do what turns you on. Do what makes you happy. Work your ass off. You will HAVE to work your ass off. But it's worth it.

What do you need to let go of to accomplish what you want? What is really important in your life? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
I want to be happy. I want to connect with others on a deeper level. I don't want to fret over the little things that have no real impact on my life, both personally and professionally. This week I am going to do my best, relax, and enjoy the rest. I'm going to focus on the 1% that truly matters.

Analysis Paralysis

I am super analytical with myself. I analyze everything from the way I write, to the things I say, to the way I behave in a group. I also analysis everything else in my life. My relationships, my career options, and what I want to do with my life. I scrutinize every tiny bit. It can be exhausting. I am getting a little better at cutting myself some slack, but over-analyzing is still my default.

Like Danielle LaPorte says, "Too much analysis can lead to paralysis." I am guilty of spending way too much time thinking about things and not enough time executing actions. I get so wrapped up in thinking about all the angles or possibilities in a situation I can freeze. I will start to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. I am starting to realize making a mistake is far better than being stuck in place by our own fears. We can miss out on so much by allowing our fear to run the show.

This is one of the things I am working on. I am taking baby steps in getting out of my head and moving on the things I want. I am learning to move through my fears instead of allowing them to hold me at bay. It's a lot of work! Especially when you have spent so long camping inside your own head. It can be extremely scary to allow ourselves to be vulnerabe and take risks, but any step forward is success when it comes analysis paralysis.

What do you think? Are you guilty of this too? How do you get past your analysis paralysis? Let me know!

Growing Pains

The last few weeks have felt like a slog. I had made several big jumps in growth and then bam! Nothing. Everything ground to a halt. I was frustrated. Then I took my own advice and was a little more gentle with myself. I backed off my self imposed expectations of the speed I should be moving, and that allowed me to step back and look at the situation.

I realized I was simply just in a different part of the growth spiral. Growth like everything else in life ebbs and flows. After there is action you need time to see what the results of that action are. You also need time to reflect. To give the outcome the meaning it has for you. I was, and still am in some ways, in the feedback and reflection parts of that particular growth I experienced a few weeks ago. When we can recognize where we are it makes it easier to be understanding with ourselves and the movement, or lack there of, we are seeing.

This week I am choosing to be kinder to myself as I figure out all the new moving parts in my life. I accept that this feeling of stagnation isn't really that, but time for me to fully integrate and understand what the changes in my life mean for me. I am trying to take a lesson from nature. Plants and trees know when to grow, and they know when to rest. The seasons can teach us so much about birth, growth, death, and renewal. We too are part of this amazing natural world even though we often have constructed lives that take us far from it. Lives that make us feel other. Part of my acceptance work this week will be getting out into nature and feeling Her energy. Feeling the rhythm of it all. I invite you to do the same beloveds. 

Embracing Our Unworthy Feelings to Get to Worth

We are starting a new month this week! I can't believe we are just 2 months away from a new year. Time is just flying. Because we are entering a new month I wanted to start a new theme with my weekly affirmations. This week we are affirming "I am worthy."

I want to share a personal story about this particular affirmation. I always considered myself as someone who felt worthy. I had no idea how unworthy I felt until the beginning of this year. Several years ago I read about and started a habit of using affirmation as passwords in order to reinforce them. (I HIGHLY recommend this practice.) It was January and time for me to change one of my passwords. I was at a loss. I couldn't think of anything I really wanted to work on. So I casually chose "I am worthy," because it seemed nice and benign. It was not.

I noticed after a few weeks of starting to use this affirmation password I started feeling oh so not worthy. I started to compare myself to others very harshly. I started feeling out of place at work, and not good enough. I was struggling in my relationships. I was horribly insecure. Across the board I felt as if my life was completely falling apart. I just didn't understand what was happening.

The 6 months of typing this affirmation several times a day were uncomfortable and difficult, but it was a clear wake up call to myself. I realized in that time that I wasn't as happy as I thought. I didn't believe it myself as much as I thought. I also realized I had settled in many ways for what I was given instead of living a life I dreamed of. It was a turning point for me. It was a blessing in disguise.

"I am worthy" is a great affirmation for change. There are so many people who don't feel worthy somewhere in their life. In using this affirmation we can flush out those things that make us feel unworthy. We can find things we didn't even know were there that are keeping us stuck in the status quo. "I am worthy" helps us to confront those places that are broken inside and shine a healing light on them.

As for myself, I have spent the better part of the last year working on healing the issues I found. I have made great progress. I feel more worthy than ever. It has been an interesting process, and I am happy to do it. I am worthy, and so are you beloved.

What feelings does this weeks affirmation stir in you? Where do you not feel worthy in your life? What changes are you being called to make in your life.

Idols and Destiny

Lech Lecha

This weeks Torah portion is Lech Lecha. Lech Lecha means to go, or more literally "you go." In the few verses before this portion we are introduced to Abraham. In this weeks reading we see Abraham heed the call of God to leave his native land and fathers house. God tells Abraham to go forth and he will bless him in ways he can not imagine. Abraham obeys taking his family and nephew Lot with him. They fight a war, He and Lot separate, and in frustration at lack of an heir Abraham's wife Sarah sends her servant Hagar to be a stand in. Hagar bears a son, Ishmael. God again promises blessings and a son through Sarah, and commands Abraham to circumcise himself and his people to signify the covenant between them.

In the biblical account we aren't told how Abraham stumbled into monotheism. Unlike Moses much later there is no burning bush. No "ah ha" God moment. Only a clear command that is heeded. Go forth..and I will bless you. Abraham obeys without hesitation with complete faith and trust. This points to an intense type of intimacy between the two. But where did it come from?

One of the most beautiful things about Judaism in my opinion is that we don't have just the written Torah, but also the oral Torah. It is taught that when Moses was receiving the Torah at Sinai he was given both. The written is important, but the oral Torah fills in gaps and answers questions that just aren't covered in the written words.

Abraham destroying idols.

From the oral Torah we learn that Abraham's father Terah was an idol maker, and sold them for a living. Abraham was considered a rational and intelligent boy who was unafraid to challange convention. He saw the idols for what they were. And, when left in charge of his fathers shop, he destroyed all but the largest idol. When Terah came back and demanded an explanation, Abraham said the remaining idol smashed all the others for their grain offerings. Terah accused Abraham of lying because the idol weren't alive, it wasn't possible for his story to be true. Abraham then asked his father, "Then why worship the lifeless work of your hands?" The Midrash teaches that Abraham didn't believe in the One God because he spoke to him or did anything to prove his existence to Abraham. Abraham discovered God for himself.

I like this story because it is a wonderful example of how listening to and honoring our own inner truth can and will completely change the trajectory of our lives. Abraham listened. He left his land, his fathers house, and ventured out living a nomadic life. We too can listen to our own inner voice. Call it God, Holy Spirit, the Universe, or the subconscious. It doesn't answer to a specific name. It is just that still small voice inside, guiding us to our destinies. Helping us make better choices. Showing us our gifts.

Like Abraham we too must destroy idols along the way. Usually they aren't actual sculptures of gods. They look more like wasting our lives in front of reality TV shows at the expense of connecting with our families. Working excessively to prove our worth. Being preoccupied with the "right appearance." Fear of change can be a crippling idol. We fall prey to the idols we create with our own hands just like Terah, and our own thoughts. We allow false beliefs to trick us into living a life that is less than what we deserve. Less than what we are called to.

Abraham had NO idea where he was going or what was going to happen to him once he left. He just knew that his God, the still small voice from within, told him to go. He walked away from the land he knew, destroying the idols of security and assurance. He left his fathers house, destroying the idol of tradition for the sake of tradition. He turned away from what he had, and turned towards something greater. His destiny.

What price are you paying for your security? What are you trading for the status quo? What idols do you see in your life that are keeping you from fulfilling your destiny? What idols are you willing to destroy today?

Moving Outside Our Comfort Zone

Last week we affirmed, "I choose to do what is right, even if it isn't easy." Doing what is not easy can be as simple as stepping outside our comfort zones. That is where the magic happens! That is why out affirmation for this week is "All progress takes place outside our comfort zone."

I am going through a season of life that is really making me stretch outside of what I am used to. As a parent I have a child about to turn 18 and graduate. I now have 3 in high school. In the next four years I will face change after change. It is scary and amazing at the same time. This has caused my parenting style to change. My relationships with my children have begun to evolve. We are all becoming different people and growing.

I am learning so much about myself as my family transforms. I am rediscovering old passions. I am changing beliefs about myself, who I am, and what I am capable of. All of this progress is only possible because I have not only stepped outside my comfort zone, but because I have embraced it. I am excited about this new season.

It can be scary to make changes in our lives, especially when there is much at stake. To move forward we often need to take risks. Getting comfortable with risk can be life changing. What do you want to accomplish? Where do you see the need for progress in your life? What can you do to get outside your comfort zone to accomplish it?

Choosing What Is Right

We faces hundreds of choices every day. Some are as benign as what socks we are going to wear or what coffee cup we are going to use. Some are a bit more difficult. How are we going to respond to that work email or what are we eating for lunch? Some choices are easy. Some choices are hard. Some choices are life changing. But whatever they are, choices are all around us.

All of that being said this weeks affirmation is, "I choose to do what is right, even if it isn't easy." I was drawn to this particular affirmation because it reinforces our ability to make the right decisions for ourselves, especially when it is difficult.

What is right? Here I believe what is right is what is in our best interest. There have been many times I knew a decision was right for me, but I struggled with the follow through of doing it. It made me completely uncomfortable either because it forced me out of my comfort zone, or because I had to set boundaries with others or myself that I wasn't ready to enforce. There have been plenty of times I took the easy path, and I regretted it dearly.

Right now I have a situation I am struggling to make the right decisions in. My instinct is to make the same choices I always do, but deep down I know I need to go in a different direction. So with grace I am taking it one day at a time, doing what I know is right for me, and making the better choice even when it isn't easy.

"I choose to do what is right, even if it isn't easy." Every day we can practice self-love by choosing what is right, knowing that any discomfort we may feel with eventually subside. Knowing we will be stronger in the end.

Just Do It

It's a new week with a new affirmation! We accepted "I'm right where I need to be." We affirmed "I know what to do." So this week we realize "I get to take action."

I first read this affirmation and to be honest didn't feel so great about it. I get to take action? What is that? I was very suspect of the word get. It didn't sound fun or positive at all. If I've learned nothing else in my Torah studies I know that a word has many meanings, and sometimes we need to look at it from a different perspective to really understand the gravity of the word.

I went to Merriam Webster and explored the word get. There were several things that drew my attention. Get: to obtain possession of; to seek out and obtain; to make ready; to prevail on; to succeed in becoming. Really looking at the meaning behind the word get transformed my understanding of this affirmation.


Get: "To obtain possession." To really OWN our actions, and all of their consequences.

Get: "To seek out and obtain." To seek our greatest good at all times.

Get: "To make ready." To prepare ourselves for the future.

Get: "To prevail upon." To succeed against the obstacle before us.

Get: "To succeed in becoming." To do what it takes to become the best person we can be.

I Get to Take Action! I get to make the best decisions for myself, do the best I can, continue to prepare for the unknown, and know that I can and will succeed in becoming the person I am meant to be.

This week we know where we are, know what we should do next, and now we do it. What ever "it" is. That may be something as small as taking 10 minutes each day to check in with yourself and doing some self care, or as big as asking for a raise or promotion. Only you know what that next right action is. JUST DO IT!