Analysis Paralysis

I am super analytical with myself. I analyze everything from the way I write, to the things I say, to the way I behave in a group. I also analysis everything else in my life. My relationships, my career options, and what I want to do with my life. I scrutinize every tiny bit. It can be exhausting. I am getting a little better at cutting myself some slack, but over-analyzing is still my default.

Like Danielle LaPorte says, "Too much analysis can lead to paralysis." I am guilty of spending way too much time thinking about things and not enough time executing actions. I get so wrapped up in thinking about all the angles or possibilities in a situation I can freeze. I will start to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. I am starting to realize making a mistake is far better than being stuck in place by our own fears. We can miss out on so much by allowing our fear to run the show.

This is one of the things I am working on. I am taking baby steps in getting out of my head and moving on the things I want. I am learning to move through my fears instead of allowing them to hold me at bay. It's a lot of work! Especially when you have spent so long camping inside your own head. It can be extremely scary to allow ourselves to be vulnerabe and take risks, but any step forward is success when it comes analysis paralysis.

What do you think? Are you guilty of this too? How do you get past your analysis paralysis? Let me know!

Growing Pains

The last few weeks have felt like a slog. I had made several big jumps in growth and then bam! Nothing. Everything ground to a halt. I was frustrated. Then I took my own advice and was a little more gentle with myself. I backed off my self imposed expectations of the speed I should be moving, and that allowed me to step back and look at the situation.

I realized I was simply just in a different part of the growth spiral. Growth like everything else in life ebbs and flows. After there is action you need time to see what the results of that action are. You also need time to reflect. To give the outcome the meaning it has for you. I was, and still am in some ways, in the feedback and reflection parts of that particular growth I experienced a few weeks ago. When we can recognize where we are it makes it easier to be understanding with ourselves and the movement, or lack there of, we are seeing.

This week I am choosing to be kinder to myself as I figure out all the new moving parts in my life. I accept that this feeling of stagnation isn't really that, but time for me to fully integrate and understand what the changes in my life mean for me. I am trying to take a lesson from nature. Plants and trees know when to grow, and they know when to rest. The seasons can teach us so much about birth, growth, death, and renewal. We too are part of this amazing natural world even though we often have constructed lives that take us far from it. Lives that make us feel other. Part of my acceptance work this week will be getting out into nature and feeling Her energy. Feeling the rhythm of it all. I invite you to do the same beloveds. 

Embracing Our Unworthy Feelings to Get to Worth

We are starting a new month this week! I can't believe we are just 2 months away from a new year. Time is just flying. Because we are entering a new month I wanted to start a new theme with my weekly affirmations. This week we are affirming "I am worthy."

I want to share a personal story about this particular affirmation. I always considered myself as someone who felt worthy. I had no idea how unworthy I felt until the beginning of this year. Several years ago I read about and started a habit of using affirmation as passwords in order to reinforce them. (I HIGHLY recommend this practice.) It was January and time for me to change one of my passwords. I was at a loss. I couldn't think of anything I really wanted to work on. So I casually chose "I am worthy," because it seemed nice and benign. It was not.

I noticed after a few weeks of starting to use this affirmation password I started feeling oh so not worthy. I started to compare myself to others very harshly. I started feeling out of place at work, and not good enough. I was struggling in my relationships. I was horribly insecure. Across the board I felt as if my life was completely falling apart. I just didn't understand what was happening.

The 6 months of typing this affirmation several times a day were uncomfortable and difficult, but it was a clear wake up call to myself. I realized in that time that I wasn't as happy as I thought. I didn't believe it myself as much as I thought. I also realized I had settled in many ways for what I was given instead of living a life I dreamed of. It was a turning point for me. It was a blessing in disguise.

"I am worthy" is a great affirmation for change. There are so many people who don't feel worthy somewhere in their life. In using this affirmation we can flush out those things that make us feel unworthy. We can find things we didn't even know were there that are keeping us stuck in the status quo. "I am worthy" helps us to confront those places that are broken inside and shine a healing light on them.

As for myself, I have spent the better part of the last year working on healing the issues I found. I have made great progress. I feel more worthy than ever. It has been an interesting process, and I am happy to do it. I am worthy, and so are you beloved.

What feelings does this weeks affirmation stir in you? Where do you not feel worthy in your life? What changes are you being called to make in your life.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have carried a lot of questionable stories about myself most of my life. Stories I took for the truth. Stories of my worth. Stories of who I am as a person. Stories of what I am capable of. What I can and can't do.

Here in year 39 I am becoming acutely aware of the amount of bullshit I believe about myself that isn't true at all. I am reexamining my stories. Taking each one and holding it. Inspecting it. Asking myself, "Is this true?" (Thank you Byron Katie) Who told you that? Why do you believe that?

I am coming to terms with my own truth. Finding the stories that no longer work for me. Seeing them for the over sized cloaks they are and slipping out of them with as much grace as I can. I am dropping  the unmanageable bags full of shit that I have insisted on carrying for close to 40 years. I am letting go. Slowly. Surely. Imperfectly.

I am embracing what I know is real. I am loving myself as I am. I am enjoying these moments of growth and clarity. Beloved, I am embracing my perfectly imperfect self. It has given me a clarity I have never had before. I have come to understand that sometimes we just need to set things down, simply because they are heavy.

I am looking my vulnerability in the face and seeing it's beauty. I desire to share more of it with the world as scary as that might be. It is exquisite. There is strength here imperfect as it may be. I am seeing myself for the first time.

The Beauty of Destruction

This weeks Torah portion is Noach. Obviously named after Noah it contains the story of the ark, the flood, the tower of Babel, and the introduction to Abram.

Noach from Chabad.org

If you were hoping I was going to talk about the flood (well, maybe I will a little), I'm sorry to disappoint. If you want me to talk about the ark, you too will be disappointed. I'm not going to expound on the strangeness of the tower of Babel,  I'm not going to quote any verses, or talk about the validity of the stories contained in Noach. I want to talk about a theme we find within. One that reaches far outside this weeks studies. I want to talk about the beauty of destruction.

Some may find it morbid or questionable that I am suggesting that destruction could be considered beautiful; especially at this time when there has been so much loss due to natural disasters. I believe that destruction is important for growth, and these stories from Noach are perfect examples of why.

When we come upon the story of the great flood, we find God unhappy with the humans inhabiting the world he created. At the end of Bereshit we see that God isn't just unhappy, but that he actually regrets making man. Ouch. His solution to sooth His saddened heart is to flood the earth and destroy everything he created. And, minus a few people (Noah and his family), and a few animals (2 by 2 was it?)  that is exactly what happens. Total annihilation of the people, the flora, and the fauna of the planet.

Destruction. Total and complete. Or is it? It is clear that once the waters receded that plants grew. The animals thrived, and too the people. Things are different in this new world. If you read closely there are many parallels to the creation story here. God creates a new covenant with Noach. He blesses him and his family. It is as if Noah is the new Adam. All people will spring forth from his line. It is a new beginning.

Without the destruction there is no new start, no growth. We see this in nature very prominently. Forest fires clear old under growth. Foreign species of plants and animals over take new areas, often destroying the current system. It is, if I can borrow a line from Disney, the circle of life. Things die away to give birth to the new. It can be painful, but it is beautiful nonetheless.

Imagine a blank canvas. White. Pristine. The moment the first stroke is made by the painter it too is destroyed. We don't call it that though. We call it art. In order to make something new we have to sacrifice something that already exists. To create beauty we much let go of what is. But what was before is never really gone. It lives on in the new creation. It is still there, but just in another form. The canvas is the base of the art. The new growth after the flood can only happen if the old transforms into rich soil that supports it.

In our lives people come and go. We grow and learn new lessons. Our childhood is "destroyed" as we become adults. All that came before this moment helped to create what we are now. It is not truly gone, for without it we would not be here now. It has simply metamorphosed. What was before is always with us. Destruction is beautiful because it creates the here and now. The constant renewing of ourselves and the world.

Be Here Now or My Judging Mind

I love mindfulness meditation. It is free of religions connotations so anyone can do it. You can do it
anywhere at anytime. There are multiple benefits such as reduced stress, lower blood pressure, and improved sleep just to name a few.

There is no pressure to force your mind to be silent. Only watching. Observing thoughts as they float through, and naming them. In mindfulness meditation when you find thoughts floating through your mind you simply say internally "thinking." Then let go and allow the thoughts to evaporate.

"I have to pay this bill or call this person or do this thing." There they are. Those pesky thoughts. I see you. I can just name you and let you leave. "Thinking." Why is this taking so long? Am I even doing this right? "Thinking." Why haven't I heard back from that job I applied for? "Thinking." Does anyone love me? Do I love me?? "Thinking."

I've been thinking (no pun intended) a lot about this concept all week. If this can work during meditation why can't it work as I wander through my day as well? Why can't I just name thoughts as they float through during my drive, or at work, or even when I'm on the phone with someone? Not out loud unless it's appropriate, but just call things out when necessary bringing me back to the present moment and too myself.

Confession time. I am extremely judgmental. It is painful to say that, because that's not the way I want to see myself at all. However if I am truly honest I judge just about everything. I judge myself for my weight, my looks, my awkwardness in communicating with other people. I judge how fast I read, how well I write, my punctuation and spelling, and my work. I judge how much I verbally participate in class. I judge my text message content. I am hypercritical of myself at almost all times. And I didn't even realize it until very recently when I started using this mindfulness technique all day long.

I am super judgmental when I drive. Not of myself, because I am perfect behind the wheel, but every other person on the road. No one can drive right in Houston. At least that's what my mind says incessantly as I go about my daily commute.

It was driving one morning when I got the idea to start applying the naming technique to my judging thoughts. I decided that every time I caught myself thinking a judgmental thought about another driver I would simply think the word "judging" and let the thought float away.

USE A F*#$*)N% BLINKER! "Judging." Why are you going so slow???? "Judging." This is not a two lane left turn jerk! "Judging." Stop texting and drive! "Judging."

After a few days of doing this practice I noticed something. I was becoming more aware of my judging thoughts. Not just while I was driving but all throughout the day. I started at work. I was judging someone else's actions and instinctively named the thought. I also noticed when I did this it became easier and easier to detach from the judging thoughts themselves. Which really is the whole point of this technique; to see that our thoughts are not really ours. To realize we are the observer, not the thinker.

Being able to draw myself back to the present and realize when I'm trying to trip down the rabbit hole of judgment has been of great benefit to me. I have been more aware of my own judgments. I have been acutely aware of how that distances me from others. How I have used judgment as a defense mechanism. How it has hurt my abilities to connect. Because I can now see it better, I can choose to make different decisions. I can be more present in the moment and  be honest with myself and others.

I love Ram Dass. I love his work. I love his book Be Here Now. This mindfulness meditation practice can get us out of our heads into the present moment. Here and now are really all we have. Be. Here. Now. No more judging. No more resistance. Be. Here. Now. Choose. Choose now. Over and over again. With each breath. Be. Here. Now.

Becoming Our Best Selves

This month we have chosen to do what is right even when it is hard, and realized that all progress takes place outside our comfort zone. This week we are affirming that "I am becoming the best version of myself."

Doing the hard stuff is helping us to grow into the best person we can be. Who is that? Only you know what the best version of you looks like. It is a daily climb that I truly believe never ends. Which is an amazingly fortunate thing!! Why you ask? Because if we are constantly trying to move forward, and we make mistakes, it's not the end of the road! We can always make a different choice. Mistakes are not to be feared. They are just a sign we need to make a course correction. It's that simple. Mistakes aren't to be feared, but to be respected. They should be "happy mistakes!" (Thank you Bob Ross.)

I know it is very easy to tell someone to embrace their happy mistakes and stop being afraid. If it were easy everyone would be doing it. Facing a situation where you can make a mistake can be scary. Every person has their own battle they are fighting, their own story we know nothing about. Some lives are harder than others. We never truly know someone else's life. But we do know our own. And we can start right where we are at in this moment to make different choices that will change our lives. Make the choices. Especially if they are scary ones to make.

How will you truly know if your decision is the right one if you never make it? Stop sitting on the sideline of your own life. Do it, what ever it is. DO IT! Put down the stories you tell yourself about how it's not going to work. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough. You're not successful enough. You're not enough. Because beloved you ARE enough. Just as you are, right now in this moment. You. Are. Enough.

I have allowed so many false truths I believed about myself to keep me frozen in place for years. I allowed fear to hold me back while I dreamt of more. I let fear lead the dance. It would be ridiculous to say I or anyone else can turn that around over night. I'm going to be honest if nothing else. It is a process. It can be long and hard if we continue to resist, and there will be moment we will. But it will get better with time, practice, and patience.

Every day we can rise up and make different choices. And so I do. I write. I write regardless of how it will be received. I write even when I think I sound ridiculous and holier than thou. I write even when I'm afraid of what others will think. I write because I feel compelled. I write because I feel it bubbling in my blood, and I always have. I was too afraid before. And I am afraid now. But I want to see what happens if I don't give up. I want to see how it turns out, mistakes and all.

I am committed to become the best version of myself. I can do this by accepting my fears, understanding my mistakes, and stepping out in faith that in the end I will end up right where I need to be. You can too beloved. You. Are. Enough.

In the Beginning or Being a Better Person

This week the study of Torah starts all the way over and takes us back to Genesis or as it's known in Judaism as Bereshit. Starting this week I am planning on writing a "Shabbat Thought" about that weeks Parsha (portion) and posting it on Friday. I will be using the biblical text, however I will be painting my thoughts with a much broader brush stroke. The lessons are Universal. Even if you aren't religious I believe you can take something wonderful away from what I write, and I hope it gives you something to think about too.

Genesis. Creation of the world. The fall of man. All of this and more are covered in the first Torah portion Bereshit, which means "in the beginning." Almost every civilization contains a creation story, and ours has shaped large portions of history and the world. Today though I want to focus on one sentence.

Our scene opens in the garden. We find the man and woman hiding among the trees. They hear the sound of God moving. And then God calls out, "Where are you?"

Hold on. What? Are you going to tell me that an all knowing, all seeing God doesn't know where the man and woman are? I don't buy it. It makes no sense. There must be another meaning underneath. Another layer.

A commentary on this verse in the Stone Edition of the Tanach poses that God's question what meant to open a dialog with the hope that Adam would be repentant. A second commentary in Etz Hayim states God asks the question, "Where are you?," so that Adam might turn inward and ask himself, "Where am I in relation to God?" What God is really asking is, "Have you changed? Do you regret what you did?"

If we move forward in time to the story of Cain and Abel, in Genesis 4:9 we find God posing a very similar question to Cain. "Where is Abel your brother?" Again it appears that God is giving Cain the ability to seek repentance and come clean. And like his father before him, Cain takes a different path.

We all do things that are wrong and harmful to ourselves and others. There are many ways to handle our mistakes. We can step up and admit what we did, or we can make excuses, blame, or attempt to lie our way out of it. The choice is always ours.

The choice is always ours. In the story God is calling out, but today it's our conscious or our partner or our friend calling us to see our mistakes and make them right. We can ask ourselves, where am I? Where am I in relation to others? Did I make a mistakes? Do I regret what I did? How can I change? How can I make it right? What is my part in all of this? How can I be a better person?

Much like God gave Adam and Cain the opportunity to turn and admit their wrongs in both stories, we are given many opportunities to get it right. We can always try again.  All we have to do is make the choice. We can always begin again if we are willing. And that is the lesson here in Bereshit..."In the beginning..." again and again.