Forgiveness and the Growth of a Family

Joseph and His Brothers

This week I again have combined two portions, the last two portions, as we come to the end of
Genesis. We begin with Vayigash which translates as "and he drew near." As we enter the scene Judah is begging Joseph who is still disguised to release Benjamin and take him instead. As Judah pleads Joseph is overcome with emotion and can no longer continue keeping the truth from them. He admits who he is to his brother's shock. He instructs them to go back home, collect their families, herds,  and belongings, and to return to Egypt where Joseph will provide for and protect them. With the Pharoah's permission, Joseph settles his family in the area of Goshen, and he continues to manage the needs of the Egyptians as the famine is unwavering.

Israel Blessing Ephraim and Manasseh

Vayechi, meaning "and he lived," opens with Jacob nearing the end of his life. He makes Joseph swear he will take his body back to Cannan and bury him with his forefathers. He then blesses both of Joseph's sons Ephraim and Manessah stating they are now to be considered His own sons in tribute to his love for Rachel. As his time draws ever closer Jacob blesses all of his sons one by one. Once he reminds them of his burial instructions he finally draws his last breath. Pharoh gives Joseph permission to take his father back to the land of Cannan to bury him. Somewhat fearful that Joseph might turn on them, his brothers flung themselves before him requesting mercy. Joseph reassured his brothers He meant them no ill will, and in fact saw how everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to. Joseph and his family remained in Egypt, and he continued to care for them.

The opening of Vayigash and the ending of Veyechi finds Joseph's brothers pleading for his mercy. They seem unable to accept the idea that Joseph could possibly forgive them for selling him. In contrast, Joseph has shown nothing but love and forgiveness through both portions. Maybe the lesson here is people can live one of two ways. Fearful of the experiences life brings them to or accepting that everything will work out just as it should. Joseph says in Veyechi, "Have no fear! Am I a substitute for God?" He clearly has no ill will, or any need to seek vengeance. There is a saying I have seen a few times, "Trust the process." Joseph is the perfect example of trusting the process. He is at peace.

Another theme throughout not just these two portions but through the entire book of Genesis is the importance of growing the next generation. This is something that touched me as I myself have children quickly approaching adulthood. Each generation is blessed by the subsequent one, both by actual blessings and by the lessons they impart. Each generation has their own evolving relationship with God, the land, and other nations. Each generation has their own trials. And each generation seems to grow. Jacob "adopting" his grandchildren and bestowing part of his blessing on them really solidifies the desire to expand as a people. As we enter Exodus next week we see how that turns out.

Analysis Paralysis

I am super analytical with myself. I analyze everything from the way I write, to the things I say, to the way I behave in a group. I also analysis everything else in my life. My relationships, my career options, and what I want to do with my life. I scrutinize every tiny bit. It can be exhausting. I am getting a little better at cutting myself some slack, but over-analyzing is still my default.

Like Danielle LaPorte says, "Too much analysis can lead to paralysis." I am guilty of spending way too much time thinking about things and not enough time executing actions. I get so wrapped up in thinking about all the angles or possibilities in a situation I can freeze. I will start to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. I am starting to realize making a mistake is far better than being stuck in place by our own fears. We can miss out on so much by allowing our fear to run the show.

This is one of the things I am working on. I am taking baby steps in getting out of my head and moving on the things I want. I am learning to move through my fears instead of allowing them to hold me at bay. It's a lot of work! Especially when you have spent so long camping inside your own head. It can be extremely scary to allow ourselves to be vulnerabe and take risks, but any step forward is success when it comes analysis paralysis.

What do you think? Are you guilty of this too? How do you get past your analysis paralysis? Let me know!

Don't Look Back

Abraham Entertaining the Angels

This weeks Torah portion is Va-Yera, and it is packed with action and well-known stories. Here's a recap! 

Translated Va-Yera means "And He Appeared." Abraham is visited by 3 men (or angels depending on the telling.) He hurries to make them welcome. They share with Abraham that Sarah will be with child. Afterwards, these men/angels venture to Sodom and visit Abraham's nephew Lot. 

The people of the city attempt to take the visitors by force, and after much persuasion, the men/angels are able to get Lot and his family to leave. Abraham haggles with God over Sodom, but in the end, it is destroyed. Lot's wife is turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot ends up fathering children with his two remaining daughters.

Sarah gives birth! And poor Hagar and Ishmael are driven away, but not without a promise from God that Ishmael will also be blessed because of the covenant between God and his father. Our portion ends with one of the greatest stories in Torah the binding of Issac, or the Akedah.

Whew! That's a lot in this one week! There are some really great stories to reflect on, but this week I want to think about one specific moment. The moment that Lot's wife looks back.

Lot and His Family Running

   We are never told the name of Lot's wife. There is very little information about her prior to this moment. Just of Abraham's merit alone Lot and his family are to be saved from the destruction of Sodom. The only instructions they had were to flee without looking back, and yet Lot's wife does. Why does she look back? We can only speculate. Lot's wife was forced to leave her home, the community she was raised in, and according to the Midrash two of her daughters. She left everything she owned. Everything she knew. Maybe she had a moment of regret. A moment of despair. 

The Five Books of Miriam is a modern Torah commentary. An excerpt written as if being spoken by Lot's wife: “I looked back to all that I had left behind – my friends and relatives, my home with its cherished mementos, my childhood – and I wept. And so hot was the desert sun and the brimstone torching Sodom that my flowing tears dried instantly, turning me into a pillar of salt.”

In shock and horror, she turned. She turned to look at where she had been. She paused just a moment too long. Isn't this something we can all relate to? We lose our way, a relationship ends, or maybe our choices have unintended outcomes. We stop for a moment and look back. Maybe it's because we miss something or someone. Maybe we wish things had been different. We want to look back and see the good, but like Lot's wife, we realize only too late that it's a mistake to linger too long. 

Introspection is good. Being able to see and confront our faults is good. What is not good is dwelling on the regrets, shame, and pain behind us. Wishing we still had the relationship, or job, or house that is gone doesn't allow us to move forward.  When we are so focused on what we lost, what we don't have, we can miss what was meant for us all along. 

Sometimes we have to walk away from the good to reach the great. We can be afraid of change, afraid of the leap that is required of us to be better. Lot and his family resisted leaving Sodom. They practically had to be carried out of the city. Why? As much as we can speculate that is was because they didn't want to leave their home, I would also say it was because they didn't know what the future held. They would have to step out in faith that they would be taken care of. It can be very scary to let go of what we have, especially when we feel secure, even when we KNOW that the better path is right in front of us. 

I think that's the lesson Lot's wife can give us. Looking back to learn from our lessons work, it's when we linger too long that we hurt ourselves. We should see Lot's wife being turned to salt not as a punishment, but more as a sign at the crossroads of life. Do not stand still too long. Do not allow fear or sorrow to turn you into a pillar of salt.

                 

Becoming Our Best Selves

This month we have chosen to do what is right even when it is hard, and realized that all progress takes place outside our comfort zone. This week we are affirming that "I am becoming the best version of myself."

Doing the hard stuff is helping us to grow into the best person we can be. Who is that? Only you know what the best version of you looks like. It is a daily climb that I truly believe never ends. Which is an amazingly fortunate thing!! Why you ask? Because if we are constantly trying to move forward, and we make mistakes, it's not the end of the road! We can always make a different choice. Mistakes are not to be feared. They are just a sign we need to make a course correction. It's that simple. Mistakes aren't to be feared, but to be respected. They should be "happy mistakes!" (Thank you Bob Ross.)

I know it is very easy to tell someone to embrace their happy mistakes and stop being afraid. If it were easy everyone would be doing it. Facing a situation where you can make a mistake can be scary. Every person has their own battle they are fighting, their own story we know nothing about. Some lives are harder than others. We never truly know someone else's life. But we do know our own. And we can start right where we are at in this moment to make different choices that will change our lives. Make the choices. Especially if they are scary ones to make.

How will you truly know if your decision is the right one if you never make it? Stop sitting on the sideline of your own life. Do it, what ever it is. DO IT! Put down the stories you tell yourself about how it's not going to work. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough. You're not successful enough. You're not enough. Because beloved you ARE enough. Just as you are, right now in this moment. You. Are. Enough.

I have allowed so many false truths I believed about myself to keep me frozen in place for years. I allowed fear to hold me back while I dreamt of more. I let fear lead the dance. It would be ridiculous to say I or anyone else can turn that around over night. I'm going to be honest if nothing else. It is a process. It can be long and hard if we continue to resist, and there will be moment we will. But it will get better with time, practice, and patience.

Every day we can rise up and make different choices. And so I do. I write. I write regardless of how it will be received. I write even when I think I sound ridiculous and holier than thou. I write even when I'm afraid of what others will think. I write because I feel compelled. I write because I feel it bubbling in my blood, and I always have. I was too afraid before. And I am afraid now. But I want to see what happens if I don't give up. I want to see how it turns out, mistakes and all.

I am committed to become the best version of myself. I can do this by accepting my fears, understanding my mistakes, and stepping out in faith that in the end I will end up right where I need to be. You can too beloved. You. Are. Enough.

Choosing What Is Right

We faces hundreds of choices every day. Some are as benign as what socks we are going to wear or what coffee cup we are going to use. Some are a bit more difficult. How are we going to respond to that work email or what are we eating for lunch? Some choices are easy. Some choices are hard. Some choices are life changing. But whatever they are, choices are all around us.

All of that being said this weeks affirmation is, "I choose to do what is right, even if it isn't easy." I was drawn to this particular affirmation because it reinforces our ability to make the right decisions for ourselves, especially when it is difficult.

What is right? Here I believe what is right is what is in our best interest. There have been many times I knew a decision was right for me, but I struggled with the follow through of doing it. It made me completely uncomfortable either because it forced me out of my comfort zone, or because I had to set boundaries with others or myself that I wasn't ready to enforce. There have been plenty of times I took the easy path, and I regretted it dearly.

Right now I have a situation I am struggling to make the right decisions in. My instinct is to make the same choices I always do, but deep down I know I need to go in a different direction. So with grace I am taking it one day at a time, doing what I know is right for me, and making the better choice even when it isn't easy.

"I choose to do what is right, even if it isn't easy." Every day we can practice self-love by choosing what is right, knowing that any discomfort we may feel with eventually subside. Knowing we will be stronger in the end.

Turning and Repenting or Take a Look at Yourself

Yom Kippur starts tonight at sundown. The Day of Attonment. The holiest day of the Jewish year. It is a day of reflection, a day of repenting. It sounds so doom and gloom right? I mean, just check out the picture above. It feels a little omminous. I don't see it that way at all. I love it and find it inspirational. I have spent the week meditating on different reading for Yom Kippur. A few a day to give me focus. Readings to connect me with what I feel is the true meaning of this day. I want to share a bit with you today.

All of the excerpts that I am going to share today come from a great little book, Yom Kippur Readings edited by Rabbi Dov Peretz Elkins. The essays are short. There is poetry as well. It's a beautiful compilation that I highly recommend.

Teshuvah, literally return, is the Hebrew word used for repentance. In repenting we are turning from our sins and mistakes and turning back towards G-d. To be forgiven we must earnestly turn and change our behavior. We must mean it. We have to recognize the wrongs in ourselves, and be willing to go a different way. To choose a different path.

I see atonement as "at-one-ment." Becoming One with G-d, the Universe, what ever you feel comfortable calling it. We turn towards something greater than ourselves and seek a connection. We seek to become one with all that is, was, and is to come. As we turn inward we seek to find our place in the great scheme of things. We seek to better ourselves.

Plotinus a 3rd century philosopher said, "Withdraw into yourself and if you do not like what you see, act as a sculptor. Cut away here, smooth there, make this line lighter, this one purer. Never cease carving until there shines out from you the Godlike sphere of character." Life is a never ceasing molding of self, hopefully into a better person. Introspection is paramount. Yom Kippur is the perfect time to do this. Analyzing our behavior in the previous year. Where have we wronged someone else? Where can we ask forgiveness? Where can we forgive ourselves? Where can we forgive others?
Yom Kippur for me is all about recognizing our faults, and finding both the willingness and ability to choose another direction. How can we course correct?

From Rabbi Peter Tarlow. "To examine the totality of one's life, to realize that all of us are fallible means that we must not only demand that we improve but be willing to demand that we forgive others who seek to improve." The realization that we are doing the best we can in any given moment also means we must recognize that others are doing the best they can too. We are no better. We are no more worthy of forgiveness. If we are earnestly trying to better ourselves than we must also give the other person the benefit of the doubt. We must demand a forgiving heart in ourselves.

 I want to end with a writing from Rabbi Rami Shapiro.

Bold, Humble, Daring

Today we stand before the Mirror of All
to see ourselves as we are.
We come with no gifts, no bribes, no illusions or excuses.
We stand without defense and wait to be filled.
What will find us?
Remorse, certainly. so much error and needless pain.
And joy: remembered moments of love and right doing.
We are too complex for single-sided emotions.
And we are too simple to be excused by our complexity.
Let us be bold enough to see,
humble enough to feel,
daring enough to turn and
embrace the way of justice, mercy, and simplicity.

May this be a time of self reflection and self correction. May you ask good questions, and have better answers.  Here's to another year. G'mar Hatimah Tovah! May you be sealed for a good year in the Book of Life.

• 
  

You Know or Why Don't I Ever Finish Anything?

Building on last weeks affirmation, "I am right where I need to be," this week we are affirming "I know what to do."

We may not like where we are, but we are there for a reason. We are where we need to be to make the next right choice. Affirm to yourself "I know what to do."

What is the next right choice to make? What do you need to accept to make the next right choice? What do you already know that you have been hiding from?

If I am completely honest with myself I already KNOW what to do in almost every situation. It can be difficult to stop and look at our behaviors and mindsets. It can be difficult to make the changes necessary to move forward. Painful even at times. Be we can do it. Sometimes we need to reach out to others for support. Sometimes we can handle it on our own. But nothing will change without acknowledging what we need to do. The next step is action.

I am such a procrastinator! I have turned it into an art form. I swear I can procrastinate procrastinating. I know what to do. I just don't do it! Writing, which I love, is the most obvious and easy example. If I can put off something I love how much more is that true for the hard things? I put off difficult discussions until it damaged relationships. I have refused to do things in a timely manner and that has hurt my education, work situations, financial security, and happiness. Procrastination is a bitch. One I've fed on many an occasion, but a bitch nonetheless.

I am right where I need to be. Look at it. Embrace it. Learn to love it. THEN you can change it. I see you procrastination! I have your number. I hide behind you because I am afraid. This is where I am. I am now ready to make a different choice.

I know what to do. Now that you can see it, whatever that it is, you can make a change. Make a different choice. Today I chose to look at my fear whatever it is and do the next right thing. I'm going to write. I'm going to tell someone I love them. I'm going to accept myself just as I am. Perfectly imperfect.

What do you know you need to do?

Weekly Affirmations and Being Right Where I Am

I have been feeling the urge to write again for awhile. It feels like a constant wrestling match inside of me. My heart wants to write, me head spouts all these reasons why I shouldn't. The doubts, the anxiety of being seen. I feel like I am entering a new season of life as I get closer to 40. I feel like I am braver and less fearful. My hearts desire to be vulnerable is starting to win out over my kvetching mind. I am embracing it. One day at a time.

I am also going to start sharing a new affirmation each week on Something for the Journeys Facebook page which you can find here. Each Sunday I will add a new affirmation. This weeks was:

I have to remind myself of this all the time. I always feel like I "should" be 15 steps ahead of where I am. I think many of us need to stop shoulding all over ourselves and embrace where we are. There is work to do right where we are. It is perfectly acceptable to want more. However I need to learn to love the step I am on. Maybe you do too.