Growing Pains

The last few weeks have felt like a slog. I had made several big jumps in growth and then bam! Nothing. Everything ground to a halt. I was frustrated. Then I took my own advice and was a little more gentle with myself. I backed off my self imposed expectations of the speed I should be moving, and that allowed me to step back and look at the situation.

I realized I was simply just in a different part of the growth spiral. Growth like everything else in life ebbs and flows. After there is action you need time to see what the results of that action are. You also need time to reflect. To give the outcome the meaning it has for you. I was, and still am in some ways, in the feedback and reflection parts of that particular growth I experienced a few weeks ago. When we can recognize where we are it makes it easier to be understanding with ourselves and the movement, or lack there of, we are seeing.

This week I am choosing to be kinder to myself as I figure out all the new moving parts in my life. I accept that this feeling of stagnation isn't really that, but time for me to fully integrate and understand what the changes in my life mean for me. I am trying to take a lesson from nature. Plants and trees know when to grow, and they know when to rest. The seasons can teach us so much about birth, growth, death, and renewal. We too are part of this amazing natural world even though we often have constructed lives that take us far from it. Lives that make us feel other. Part of my acceptance work this week will be getting out into nature and feeling Her energy. Feeling the rhythm of it all. I invite you to do the same beloveds. 

Don't Look Back

Abraham Entertaining the Angels

This weeks Torah portion is Va-Yera, and it is packed with action and well-known stories. Here's a recap! 

Translated Va-Yera means "And He Appeared." Abraham is visited by 3 men (or angels depending on the telling.) He hurries to make them welcome. They share with Abraham that Sarah will be with child. Afterwards, these men/angels venture to Sodom and visit Abraham's nephew Lot. 

The people of the city attempt to take the visitors by force, and after much persuasion, the men/angels are able to get Lot and his family to leave. Abraham haggles with God over Sodom, but in the end, it is destroyed. Lot's wife is turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot ends up fathering children with his two remaining daughters.

Sarah gives birth! And poor Hagar and Ishmael are driven away, but not without a promise from God that Ishmael will also be blessed because of the covenant between God and his father. Our portion ends with one of the greatest stories in Torah the binding of Issac, or the Akedah.

Whew! That's a lot in this one week! There are some really great stories to reflect on, but this week I want to think about one specific moment. The moment that Lot's wife looks back.

Lot and His Family Running

   We are never told the name of Lot's wife. There is very little information about her prior to this moment. Just of Abraham's merit alone Lot and his family are to be saved from the destruction of Sodom. The only instructions they had were to flee without looking back, and yet Lot's wife does. Why does she look back? We can only speculate. Lot's wife was forced to leave her home, the community she was raised in, and according to the Midrash two of her daughters. She left everything she owned. Everything she knew. Maybe she had a moment of regret. A moment of despair. 

The Five Books of Miriam is a modern Torah commentary. An excerpt written as if being spoken by Lot's wife: “I looked back to all that I had left behind – my friends and relatives, my home with its cherished mementos, my childhood – and I wept. And so hot was the desert sun and the brimstone torching Sodom that my flowing tears dried instantly, turning me into a pillar of salt.”

In shock and horror, she turned. She turned to look at where she had been. She paused just a moment too long. Isn't this something we can all relate to? We lose our way, a relationship ends, or maybe our choices have unintended outcomes. We stop for a moment and look back. Maybe it's because we miss something or someone. Maybe we wish things had been different. We want to look back and see the good, but like Lot's wife, we realize only too late that it's a mistake to linger too long. 

Introspection is good. Being able to see and confront our faults is good. What is not good is dwelling on the regrets, shame, and pain behind us. Wishing we still had the relationship, or job, or house that is gone doesn't allow us to move forward.  When we are so focused on what we lost, what we don't have, we can miss what was meant for us all along. 

Sometimes we have to walk away from the good to reach the great. We can be afraid of change, afraid of the leap that is required of us to be better. Lot and his family resisted leaving Sodom. They practically had to be carried out of the city. Why? As much as we can speculate that is was because they didn't want to leave their home, I would also say it was because they didn't know what the future held. They would have to step out in faith that they would be taken care of. It can be very scary to let go of what we have, especially when we feel secure, even when we KNOW that the better path is right in front of us. 

I think that's the lesson Lot's wife can give us. Looking back to learn from our lessons work, it's when we linger too long that we hurt ourselves. We should see Lot's wife being turned to salt not as a punishment, but more as a sign at the crossroads of life. Do not stand still too long. Do not allow fear or sorrow to turn you into a pillar of salt.

                 

Idols and Destiny

Lech Lecha

This weeks Torah portion is Lech Lecha. Lech Lecha means to go, or more literally "you go." In the few verses before this portion we are introduced to Abraham. In this weeks reading we see Abraham heed the call of God to leave his native land and fathers house. God tells Abraham to go forth and he will bless him in ways he can not imagine. Abraham obeys taking his family and nephew Lot with him. They fight a war, He and Lot separate, and in frustration at lack of an heir Abraham's wife Sarah sends her servant Hagar to be a stand in. Hagar bears a son, Ishmael. God again promises blessings and a son through Sarah, and commands Abraham to circumcise himself and his people to signify the covenant between them.

In the biblical account we aren't told how Abraham stumbled into monotheism. Unlike Moses much later there is no burning bush. No "ah ha" God moment. Only a clear command that is heeded. Go forth..and I will bless you. Abraham obeys without hesitation with complete faith and trust. This points to an intense type of intimacy between the two. But where did it come from?

One of the most beautiful things about Judaism in my opinion is that we don't have just the written Torah, but also the oral Torah. It is taught that when Moses was receiving the Torah at Sinai he was given both. The written is important, but the oral Torah fills in gaps and answers questions that just aren't covered in the written words.

Abraham destroying idols.

From the oral Torah we learn that Abraham's father Terah was an idol maker, and sold them for a living. Abraham was considered a rational and intelligent boy who was unafraid to challange convention. He saw the idols for what they were. And, when left in charge of his fathers shop, he destroyed all but the largest idol. When Terah came back and demanded an explanation, Abraham said the remaining idol smashed all the others for their grain offerings. Terah accused Abraham of lying because the idol weren't alive, it wasn't possible for his story to be true. Abraham then asked his father, "Then why worship the lifeless work of your hands?" The Midrash teaches that Abraham didn't believe in the One God because he spoke to him or did anything to prove his existence to Abraham. Abraham discovered God for himself.

I like this story because it is a wonderful example of how listening to and honoring our own inner truth can and will completely change the trajectory of our lives. Abraham listened. He left his land, his fathers house, and ventured out living a nomadic life. We too can listen to our own inner voice. Call it God, Holy Spirit, the Universe, or the subconscious. It doesn't answer to a specific name. It is just that still small voice inside, guiding us to our destinies. Helping us make better choices. Showing us our gifts.

Like Abraham we too must destroy idols along the way. Usually they aren't actual sculptures of gods. They look more like wasting our lives in front of reality TV shows at the expense of connecting with our families. Working excessively to prove our worth. Being preoccupied with the "right appearance." Fear of change can be a crippling idol. We fall prey to the idols we create with our own hands just like Terah, and our own thoughts. We allow false beliefs to trick us into living a life that is less than what we deserve. Less than what we are called to.

Abraham had NO idea where he was going or what was going to happen to him once he left. He just knew that his God, the still small voice from within, told him to go. He walked away from the land he knew, destroying the idols of security and assurance. He left his fathers house, destroying the idol of tradition for the sake of tradition. He turned away from what he had, and turned towards something greater. His destiny.

What price are you paying for your security? What are you trading for the status quo? What idols do you see in your life that are keeping you from fulfilling your destiny? What idols are you willing to destroy today?

Perfectly Imperfect

I have carried a lot of questionable stories about myself most of my life. Stories I took for the truth. Stories of my worth. Stories of who I am as a person. Stories of what I am capable of. What I can and can't do.

Here in year 39 I am becoming acutely aware of the amount of bullshit I believe about myself that isn't true at all. I am reexamining my stories. Taking each one and holding it. Inspecting it. Asking myself, "Is this true?" (Thank you Byron Katie) Who told you that? Why do you believe that?

I am coming to terms with my own truth. Finding the stories that no longer work for me. Seeing them for the over sized cloaks they are and slipping out of them with as much grace as I can. I am dropping  the unmanageable bags full of shit that I have insisted on carrying for close to 40 years. I am letting go. Slowly. Surely. Imperfectly.

I am embracing what I know is real. I am loving myself as I am. I am enjoying these moments of growth and clarity. Beloved, I am embracing my perfectly imperfect self. It has given me a clarity I have never had before. I have come to understand that sometimes we just need to set things down, simply because they are heavy.

I am looking my vulnerability in the face and seeing it's beauty. I desire to share more of it with the world as scary as that might be. It is exquisite. There is strength here imperfect as it may be. I am seeing myself for the first time.

Be Here Now or My Judging Mind

I love mindfulness meditation. It is free of religions connotations so anyone can do it. You can do it
anywhere at anytime. There are multiple benefits such as reduced stress, lower blood pressure, and improved sleep just to name a few.

There is no pressure to force your mind to be silent. Only watching. Observing thoughts as they float through, and naming them. In mindfulness meditation when you find thoughts floating through your mind you simply say internally "thinking." Then let go and allow the thoughts to evaporate.

"I have to pay this bill or call this person or do this thing." There they are. Those pesky thoughts. I see you. I can just name you and let you leave. "Thinking." Why is this taking so long? Am I even doing this right? "Thinking." Why haven't I heard back from that job I applied for? "Thinking." Does anyone love me? Do I love me?? "Thinking."

I've been thinking (no pun intended) a lot about this concept all week. If this can work during meditation why can't it work as I wander through my day as well? Why can't I just name thoughts as they float through during my drive, or at work, or even when I'm on the phone with someone? Not out loud unless it's appropriate, but just call things out when necessary bringing me back to the present moment and too myself.

Confession time. I am extremely judgmental. It is painful to say that, because that's not the way I want to see myself at all. However if I am truly honest I judge just about everything. I judge myself for my weight, my looks, my awkwardness in communicating with other people. I judge how fast I read, how well I write, my punctuation and spelling, and my work. I judge how much I verbally participate in class. I judge my text message content. I am hypercritical of myself at almost all times. And I didn't even realize it until very recently when I started using this mindfulness technique all day long.

I am super judgmental when I drive. Not of myself, because I am perfect behind the wheel, but every other person on the road. No one can drive right in Houston. At least that's what my mind says incessantly as I go about my daily commute.

It was driving one morning when I got the idea to start applying the naming technique to my judging thoughts. I decided that every time I caught myself thinking a judgmental thought about another driver I would simply think the word "judging" and let the thought float away.

USE A F*#$*)N% BLINKER! "Judging." Why are you going so slow???? "Judging." This is not a two lane left turn jerk! "Judging." Stop texting and drive! "Judging."

After a few days of doing this practice I noticed something. I was becoming more aware of my judging thoughts. Not just while I was driving but all throughout the day. I started at work. I was judging someone else's actions and instinctively named the thought. I also noticed when I did this it became easier and easier to detach from the judging thoughts themselves. Which really is the whole point of this technique; to see that our thoughts are not really ours. To realize we are the observer, not the thinker.

Being able to draw myself back to the present and realize when I'm trying to trip down the rabbit hole of judgment has been of great benefit to me. I have been more aware of my own judgments. I have been acutely aware of how that distances me from others. How I have used judgment as a defense mechanism. How it has hurt my abilities to connect. Because I can now see it better, I can choose to make different decisions. I can be more present in the moment and  be honest with myself and others.

I love Ram Dass. I love his work. I love his book Be Here Now. This mindfulness meditation practice can get us out of our heads into the present moment. Here and now are really all we have. Be. Here. Now. No more judging. No more resistance. Be. Here. Now. Choose. Choose now. Over and over again. With each breath. Be. Here. Now.

Becoming Our Best Selves

This month we have chosen to do what is right even when it is hard, and realized that all progress takes place outside our comfort zone. This week we are affirming that "I am becoming the best version of myself."

Doing the hard stuff is helping us to grow into the best person we can be. Who is that? Only you know what the best version of you looks like. It is a daily climb that I truly believe never ends. Which is an amazingly fortunate thing!! Why you ask? Because if we are constantly trying to move forward, and we make mistakes, it's not the end of the road! We can always make a different choice. Mistakes are not to be feared. They are just a sign we need to make a course correction. It's that simple. Mistakes aren't to be feared, but to be respected. They should be "happy mistakes!" (Thank you Bob Ross.)

I know it is very easy to tell someone to embrace their happy mistakes and stop being afraid. If it were easy everyone would be doing it. Facing a situation where you can make a mistake can be scary. Every person has their own battle they are fighting, their own story we know nothing about. Some lives are harder than others. We never truly know someone else's life. But we do know our own. And we can start right where we are at in this moment to make different choices that will change our lives. Make the choices. Especially if they are scary ones to make.

How will you truly know if your decision is the right one if you never make it? Stop sitting on the sideline of your own life. Do it, what ever it is. DO IT! Put down the stories you tell yourself about how it's not going to work. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough. You're not successful enough. You're not enough. Because beloved you ARE enough. Just as you are, right now in this moment. You. Are. Enough.

I have allowed so many false truths I believed about myself to keep me frozen in place for years. I allowed fear to hold me back while I dreamt of more. I let fear lead the dance. It would be ridiculous to say I or anyone else can turn that around over night. I'm going to be honest if nothing else. It is a process. It can be long and hard if we continue to resist, and there will be moment we will. But it will get better with time, practice, and patience.

Every day we can rise up and make different choices. And so I do. I write. I write regardless of how it will be received. I write even when I think I sound ridiculous and holier than thou. I write even when I'm afraid of what others will think. I write because I feel compelled. I write because I feel it bubbling in my blood, and I always have. I was too afraid before. And I am afraid now. But I want to see what happens if I don't give up. I want to see how it turns out, mistakes and all.

I am committed to become the best version of myself. I can do this by accepting my fears, understanding my mistakes, and stepping out in faith that in the end I will end up right where I need to be. You can too beloved. You. Are. Enough.