Joseph, Destiny, and a Tiny Dancer

Joseph

I didn't write about the Torah portion last week, but that was purposeful. Last week and this week's readings include Joseph one of the sons of Jacob. I felt like what I had to write about his story was better said in one post.

The Torah portion from last week was Veyeshev, meaning "and he lived." It opens telling us that Jacob has settled in the land of Cannan. Joseph is 17 and the oldest son of Rachel, Jacob's favorite wife. Jacob so loves Joseph that he gives him a special coat. When his brothers see how much their father favors Jacob they hate him. Joseph also has vivid dreams of ruling over his brothers. Maybe he was nieve, but when he shared his dreams with his brothers they hated him even more.

Joseph's brothers hated him so much that one day while they are in the field watching the flocks, they saw Joseph coming from a distance and begin to plot against him. At first, they talk about killing him, but one of the brothers comes up with the idea of throwing him into a pit, and when traders passed they pulled him out and sold him as a slave. The traders take Joseph to Egypt and sell him off, while his brothers take his coat, cover it in blood, and return to Jacob to tell him Joseph is dead.

Joseph does well for himself in Egypt at first. He is a servant of Potiphar who is an associate of the pharaoh. He is trusted and given great responsibility in Potiphar's house. Potiphar's wife, however, had an eye for Joseph. Repeatedly she tries to get Joseph to have an affair with her. Repeatedly he denies her. One day she grabs Joseph, he is able to escape but leaves his garment behind. Potiphar's wife in anger that he continued to rebuff her claims Joseph attacked her, and Joseph is thrown in prison.

While in prison Joseph meets the cupbearer and the baker of the pharaoh. They had been confined for upsetting him. Joseph interprets dreams for both men. One was set to die, the other to be pardoned and returned to his place in the pharaoh's house. Joseph tells the cupbearer to remember him when he is pardoned.

Grains of Life

Joseph's story continues in Miketz, which translates as "at the end." It's been two years since the cupbearer left Joseph in prison. The pharaoh is having dreams that he can't understand. He is seeking someone to interpret them for him. It is at that moment the cupbearer remembers Joseph, and tells Pharoah about him. Joseph comes and hears the dreams. He interprets them to mean that there will be seven years of abundance of rain and grain, followed by seven years of drought and famine. Joseph tells Pharaoh he needs to store the excess grain during the first seven years, and appoint someone to manage the distribution of that grain during the famine. Pharoah was impressed by Joseph's understanding and believed he was filled with the spirit of God. Because of this Pharoah appoints Joseph over his court and he becomes second in command over all the land.





There is so much to unpack with the story of Joseph. He begins as a somewhat nieve boy. We have to ask, did he know that his dreams and interpretation of them would anger his brothers? Or was he showing off by boasting to them? He is the favored son after all. I think there was already enough animosity to go around. What was his motive? Did Joseph deserve the punishment his brother's concocted?

Joseph's story is one of roller coaster up and downs. The high of being the favored child, the low of being sold into slavery. The high of working for a high ranking official, the low of being sent to prison. Then the high of being rescued and placed in a place of power over Egypt.

From the beginning, Joseph knew his calling was big. Sharing it with his brothers may seem like a mistake, but it can't be. Without being sold into slavery Joseph wouldn't have ended up in Egypt. This seemingly horrible turn of events is a pinnacle moment. So too Joseph's imprisonment, without which he would have never met the cupbearer who told Pharoah about Joseph's gifts.

What can the story of Joseph teach us? I believe that most of us have a calling, a gift, or a mission in life. We can make choices that take us in a different direction, or be tossed around by the tempests of life, but one way or another we will arrive at the place or moment we are meant for. It can be so unbelievably small like a kind word at just the right moment, or extraordinarily large like running a country. Often times the things that seem to be detours are teaching us valuable lessons we need in order to be the best person we can be when we reach our pinnacle moments.

Much like Joseph, we can choose to see the negatives as working for our greatest good. Now I know that sounds trite, especially to people who have experienced great pain and loss. I in no way am trying to minimize your life experiences. I don't believe "everything happens for a reason." Things happen. Period. What I am saying is that I believe we can take those painful experiences and GIVE them the meaning we want. We are the writers of our story. Beginning to end.

Tiny Dancer Krista

What experiences have you had that you didn't realize until later were pinnacle moments? Lately, I feel like EVERY moment is a pinnacle moment for me. I have so much growth happening right now it can feel overwhelming.

I have been reflecting on my childhood, thinking about what made me who I am. This tiny dancer was so nervous to get on stage for the recital. Everything was going swimmingly. The music was great, she was hitting all her marks, and then a little two-year-old broke loose and ran around the stage. The audience exploded with laughter. Our tiny dancer was mortified, not yet understanding the social cues that the laughter was at the other child and not her. That one tiny moment set our little dancer up for a life of stage fright.

I still get extremely anxious getting in front of a room, even when it's people I know. So how do we rewrite that moment into something better? It is still something I am working on daily. I have set goals and push myself to get out of my comfort zone routinely. I am a work in progress. I glean hope from the story of Joseph. I remind myself that even when I am against what feels like overwhelming odds my story isn't over yet. I have a great distance still to go. But I am getting there. Write my story one day at a time.

Birthright and Blessing

Isaac Giving Jacob His Blessing

The Torah portion for this week is Toldot. Translated it means "generations." Our reading starts out recounting the story of Issac. Which in honesty isn't the story of Isaac, but features his sons prominently. Toldot references both Abraham and Laban, which is possibly a foreshadowing that Laban will return to the story later. (Spoiler alert! He does.)

We learn that Rebekah struggles with infertility, but at last she conceives. There is a lot of struggle in her womb, she goes to pray, and Rebekah is given a prophecy. Two nations are in your womb God says. One will be greater than the other. The older will Serve the younger. Rebekah gives birth. Esau is born first, and when Jacob is born he is grasping Esau's heel.

Esau and Jacob

From the beginning, Esau and Jacob are polar opposites. Esau was a great hunter and a man of the outdoors. Because of his hunting skills, Issac favored him. Jacob was mild-mannered and preferred the quieter life of living within the camp. He was Rebekah's favorite. Esau is more impulsive and Jacob takes advantage of that fact by tricking Esau out of his birthright as well as his father's blessing with the help of his mother.

This moment of Esau giving away his birthright is where I find myself drawn in this week Torah portion. I believe it is closely connected to the end of the portion where Jacob also tricks their father into giving him a blessing, but the difference in Esau's reactions is what is the most interesting and telling part of all. Let's take a look at the initial interaction between Esau and Jacob.

The Birthright Exchange Moment

Jacob is making a stew. Esau returns to the camp and is drawn in by amazing smell of the food cooking. He tells Jacob to give him some stew because he is famished.

"Jacob said, 'First sell me your birthright.' And Esau said, 'I am at the point of death, so of what use is my birthright to me?' But Jacob said, 'Swear it to me first.' So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. Jacob then gave Esau bread and lentil stew; he ate and drank, and he rose and went away. Thus did Esau spurn the birthright." Genesis 25:31-35

Esau being the oldest was due to inherit his fathers land and flocks, as well as enjoy other benefits afforded to him due to his status as the firstborn. Even though we don't know what age they are it seems clear that Esau is pretty immature. Either he doesn't realize the magnitude of what he is agreeing to or he simply doesn't care.

If we fast forward to the end of the portion we find Isaac towards the end of his life and desiring to give Esau a blessing. Jacob with the help of Rebekah tricks Issac by pretending to be Esau and receives the blessing instead. When Esau returns from hunting he learns from Isaac that this too has been stolen from him by Jacob. He begins to bitterly sob begging Issac for any blessing that he can provide. Esau finally realizes the magnitude of what he has lost.

Esau's predicament is something we all can relate to. I may not have traded my birthright for a good meal, but there are several times in my life I have misjudged the value of an exchange. I have given more than I received in relationships. I have undervalued what I have. I haven't taken into account the importance of decisions I made on my future. Much like Esau when there has been some time has passed it was easier to see what the true cost of some of my decisions has been. As I've gotten older I've learned to slow down when I make decisions and try and take all the consequences into account. Esau matured over time and hopefully we do too.

This is such a timely lesson in my life right now. I have a teenager on the verge of being an "adult." This has been a difficult season as we all try to adjust to our new dynamic and roles. Some of his behavior and his attitude remind me of young Esau. More focused on the immediate fulfillment of desire and less on the long game. As a parent, you teach them the best you can and try to shape them into productive and hopefully amazing human beings. At some point, you have to release your grip and allow them to make their own decisions, their own mistakes. All you can do is hope they make good choices.

Take some time to reflect. What lessons have you learned the hard way? How has your decision-making process changed over time? Are you a young Esau, or an older Esau?

Sarah's Legacy

Sarah

After last weeks action packed Torah portion this week is almost a bit of a letdown. Chayei Sarah starts with the death of Sarah, and Abraham's negotiation for a burial site for her. Abraham then realizes it's time to get a wife for his son Issac,  and sends his trusted servant back to his homeland and fathers home to find one. His servant encounters Rebekah, convinces her family to send her to him, and he brings her back to Isaac. They marry. Abraham dies. The end of our portion is a list of Abraham's descendants.

Chayei Sarah translates as "the life of Sarah." This at first seemed ridiculous to me as the first thing that happens is Sarah's death. There really is nothing about her actual life in this portion. The first line is "Sarah's lifetime- the span of Sarah's life- came to one hundred and seventy-two years old. Sarah died..." So my first question is why is it named "the life of Sarah" when it clearly isn't about that at all.

The Cave of Machpelah

Abraham spends a good amount of time negotiating for Sarah's burial place. It's interesting how what seems like a simple request to honor the dead becomes such an important place. The cave of Machpelah not only becomes Sarah's resting place. She is later joined by Abraham, Issac, Rebekah, Jacob, and Leah. The only matriarch that isn't buried here is Rachel. It is referred to as the Cave of the Patriarchs or the Sanctuary of Abraham as well. It is the oldest continuously used prayer structure in the world.

A theme in this portion that became clear for me was the idea of the small things become the big things. Sarah's death was the pivotal moment that spurred the purchase of the cave, the marriage of her son Isaac, and even how Abraham deals with his other children at the end of his life. Isaac become's the only true heir while Abraham's other children including Ishmael only receive gifts.

 Even in death, Sarah has influence, and she always had a great amount of influence over Abraham. But maybe that is the point. "Sarah's lifetime- the span of Sarah's life- came to one hundred and seventy-two years old." Why reiterate Sarah's life twice in this line? Sarah lives a complete and long life, and in this portion, we see that she lives on through her child and her influence of Abraham. I think that's one reason this portion is named "the life of Sarah." The life that continues on after she's gone is her legacy.

I have to be honest that I don't particularly care for Sarah. I don't like how she handled Hagar and Ishmael. I feel like a lot of her choices were selfish and self serving. Regardless of my personal feelings, I have to admit she was a pivotal figure. The lesson I am taking from this weeks portion is that we all can leave a legacy. We all do whether we realize it or not. What we need to ask ourselves is, what makes a successful life? What is success for us personally? How can we create a life we love, and one that will touch others after we are gone? What steps are we going to take to live our best and most complete life?

Don't Look Back

Abraham Entertaining the Angels

This weeks Torah portion is Va-Yera, and it is packed with action and well-known stories. Here's a recap! 

Translated Va-Yera means "And He Appeared." Abraham is visited by 3 men (or angels depending on the telling.) He hurries to make them welcome. They share with Abraham that Sarah will be with child. Afterwards, these men/angels venture to Sodom and visit Abraham's nephew Lot. 

The people of the city attempt to take the visitors by force, and after much persuasion, the men/angels are able to get Lot and his family to leave. Abraham haggles with God over Sodom, but in the end, it is destroyed. Lot's wife is turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot ends up fathering children with his two remaining daughters.

Sarah gives birth! And poor Hagar and Ishmael are driven away, but not without a promise from God that Ishmael will also be blessed because of the covenant between God and his father. Our portion ends with one of the greatest stories in Torah the binding of Issac, or the Akedah.

Whew! That's a lot in this one week! There are some really great stories to reflect on, but this week I want to think about one specific moment. The moment that Lot's wife looks back.

Lot and His Family Running

   We are never told the name of Lot's wife. There is very little information about her prior to this moment. Just of Abraham's merit alone Lot and his family are to be saved from the destruction of Sodom. The only instructions they had were to flee without looking back, and yet Lot's wife does. Why does she look back? We can only speculate. Lot's wife was forced to leave her home, the community she was raised in, and according to the Midrash two of her daughters. She left everything she owned. Everything she knew. Maybe she had a moment of regret. A moment of despair. 

The Five Books of Miriam is a modern Torah commentary. An excerpt written as if being spoken by Lot's wife: “I looked back to all that I had left behind – my friends and relatives, my home with its cherished mementos, my childhood – and I wept. And so hot was the desert sun and the brimstone torching Sodom that my flowing tears dried instantly, turning me into a pillar of salt.”

In shock and horror, she turned. She turned to look at where she had been. She paused just a moment too long. Isn't this something we can all relate to? We lose our way, a relationship ends, or maybe our choices have unintended outcomes. We stop for a moment and look back. Maybe it's because we miss something or someone. Maybe we wish things had been different. We want to look back and see the good, but like Lot's wife, we realize only too late that it's a mistake to linger too long. 

Introspection is good. Being able to see and confront our faults is good. What is not good is dwelling on the regrets, shame, and pain behind us. Wishing we still had the relationship, or job, or house that is gone doesn't allow us to move forward.  When we are so focused on what we lost, what we don't have, we can miss what was meant for us all along. 

Sometimes we have to walk away from the good to reach the great. We can be afraid of change, afraid of the leap that is required of us to be better. Lot and his family resisted leaving Sodom. They practically had to be carried out of the city. Why? As much as we can speculate that is was because they didn't want to leave their home, I would also say it was because they didn't know what the future held. They would have to step out in faith that they would be taken care of. It can be very scary to let go of what we have, especially when we feel secure, even when we KNOW that the better path is right in front of us. 

I think that's the lesson Lot's wife can give us. Looking back to learn from our lessons work, it's when we linger too long that we hurt ourselves. We should see Lot's wife being turned to salt not as a punishment, but more as a sign at the crossroads of life. Do not stand still too long. Do not allow fear or sorrow to turn you into a pillar of salt.

                 

Idols and Destiny

Lech Lecha

This weeks Torah portion is Lech Lecha. Lech Lecha means to go, or more literally "you go." In the few verses before this portion we are introduced to Abraham. In this weeks reading we see Abraham heed the call of God to leave his native land and fathers house. God tells Abraham to go forth and he will bless him in ways he can not imagine. Abraham obeys taking his family and nephew Lot with him. They fight a war, He and Lot separate, and in frustration at lack of an heir Abraham's wife Sarah sends her servant Hagar to be a stand in. Hagar bears a son, Ishmael. God again promises blessings and a son through Sarah, and commands Abraham to circumcise himself and his people to signify the covenant between them.

In the biblical account we aren't told how Abraham stumbled into monotheism. Unlike Moses much later there is no burning bush. No "ah ha" God moment. Only a clear command that is heeded. Go forth..and I will bless you. Abraham obeys without hesitation with complete faith and trust. This points to an intense type of intimacy between the two. But where did it come from?

One of the most beautiful things about Judaism in my opinion is that we don't have just the written Torah, but also the oral Torah. It is taught that when Moses was receiving the Torah at Sinai he was given both. The written is important, but the oral Torah fills in gaps and answers questions that just aren't covered in the written words.

Abraham destroying idols.

From the oral Torah we learn that Abraham's father Terah was an idol maker, and sold them for a living. Abraham was considered a rational and intelligent boy who was unafraid to challange convention. He saw the idols for what they were. And, when left in charge of his fathers shop, he destroyed all but the largest idol. When Terah came back and demanded an explanation, Abraham said the remaining idol smashed all the others for their grain offerings. Terah accused Abraham of lying because the idol weren't alive, it wasn't possible for his story to be true. Abraham then asked his father, "Then why worship the lifeless work of your hands?" The Midrash teaches that Abraham didn't believe in the One God because he spoke to him or did anything to prove his existence to Abraham. Abraham discovered God for himself.

I like this story because it is a wonderful example of how listening to and honoring our own inner truth can and will completely change the trajectory of our lives. Abraham listened. He left his land, his fathers house, and ventured out living a nomadic life. We too can listen to our own inner voice. Call it God, Holy Spirit, the Universe, or the subconscious. It doesn't answer to a specific name. It is just that still small voice inside, guiding us to our destinies. Helping us make better choices. Showing us our gifts.

Like Abraham we too must destroy idols along the way. Usually they aren't actual sculptures of gods. They look more like wasting our lives in front of reality TV shows at the expense of connecting with our families. Working excessively to prove our worth. Being preoccupied with the "right appearance." Fear of change can be a crippling idol. We fall prey to the idols we create with our own hands just like Terah, and our own thoughts. We allow false beliefs to trick us into living a life that is less than what we deserve. Less than what we are called to.

Abraham had NO idea where he was going or what was going to happen to him once he left. He just knew that his God, the still small voice from within, told him to go. He walked away from the land he knew, destroying the idols of security and assurance. He left his fathers house, destroying the idol of tradition for the sake of tradition. He turned away from what he had, and turned towards something greater. His destiny.

What price are you paying for your security? What are you trading for the status quo? What idols do you see in your life that are keeping you from fulfilling your destiny? What idols are you willing to destroy today?

Perfectly Imperfect

I have carried a lot of questionable stories about myself most of my life. Stories I took for the truth. Stories of my worth. Stories of who I am as a person. Stories of what I am capable of. What I can and can't do.

Here in year 39 I am becoming acutely aware of the amount of bullshit I believe about myself that isn't true at all. I am reexamining my stories. Taking each one and holding it. Inspecting it. Asking myself, "Is this true?" (Thank you Byron Katie) Who told you that? Why do you believe that?

I am coming to terms with my own truth. Finding the stories that no longer work for me. Seeing them for the over sized cloaks they are and slipping out of them with as much grace as I can. I am dropping  the unmanageable bags full of shit that I have insisted on carrying for close to 40 years. I am letting go. Slowly. Surely. Imperfectly.

I am embracing what I know is real. I am loving myself as I am. I am enjoying these moments of growth and clarity. Beloved, I am embracing my perfectly imperfect self. It has given me a clarity I have never had before. I have come to understand that sometimes we just need to set things down, simply because they are heavy.

I am looking my vulnerability in the face and seeing it's beauty. I desire to share more of it with the world as scary as that might be. It is exquisite. There is strength here imperfect as it may be. I am seeing myself for the first time.