Forgiveness and the Growth of a Family

Joseph and His Brothers

This week I again have combined two portions, the last two portions, as we come to the end of
Genesis. We begin with Vayigash which translates as "and he drew near." As we enter the scene Judah is begging Joseph who is still disguised to release Benjamin and take him instead. As Judah pleads Joseph is overcome with emotion and can no longer continue keeping the truth from them. He admits who he is to his brother's shock. He instructs them to go back home, collect their families, herds,  and belongings, and to return to Egypt where Joseph will provide for and protect them. With the Pharoah's permission, Joseph settles his family in the area of Goshen, and he continues to manage the needs of the Egyptians as the famine is unwavering.

Israel Blessing Ephraim and Manasseh

Vayechi, meaning "and he lived," opens with Jacob nearing the end of his life. He makes Joseph swear he will take his body back to Cannan and bury him with his forefathers. He then blesses both of Joseph's sons Ephraim and Manessah stating they are now to be considered His own sons in tribute to his love for Rachel. As his time draws ever closer Jacob blesses all of his sons one by one. Once he reminds them of his burial instructions he finally draws his last breath. Pharoh gives Joseph permission to take his father back to the land of Cannan to bury him. Somewhat fearful that Joseph might turn on them, his brothers flung themselves before him requesting mercy. Joseph reassured his brothers He meant them no ill will, and in fact saw how everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to. Joseph and his family remained in Egypt, and he continued to care for them.

The opening of Vayigash and the ending of Veyechi finds Joseph's brothers pleading for his mercy. They seem unable to accept the idea that Joseph could possibly forgive them for selling him. In contrast, Joseph has shown nothing but love and forgiveness through both portions. Maybe the lesson here is people can live one of two ways. Fearful of the experiences life brings them to or accepting that everything will work out just as it should. Joseph says in Veyechi, "Have no fear! Am I a substitute for God?" He clearly has no ill will, or any need to seek vengeance. There is a saying I have seen a few times, "Trust the process." Joseph is the perfect example of trusting the process. He is at peace.

Another theme throughout not just these two portions but through the entire book of Genesis is the importance of growing the next generation. This is something that touched me as I myself have children quickly approaching adulthood. Each generation is blessed by the subsequent one, both by actual blessings and by the lessons they impart. Each generation has their own evolving relationship with God, the land, and other nations. Each generation has their own trials. And each generation seems to grow. Jacob "adopting" his grandchildren and bestowing part of his blessing on them really solidifies the desire to expand as a people. As we enter Exodus next week we see how that turns out.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have carried a lot of questionable stories about myself most of my life. Stories I took for the truth. Stories of my worth. Stories of who I am as a person. Stories of what I am capable of. What I can and can't do.

Here in year 39 I am becoming acutely aware of the amount of bullshit I believe about myself that isn't true at all. I am reexamining my stories. Taking each one and holding it. Inspecting it. Asking myself, "Is this true?" (Thank you Byron Katie) Who told you that? Why do you believe that?

I am coming to terms with my own truth. Finding the stories that no longer work for me. Seeing them for the over sized cloaks they are and slipping out of them with as much grace as I can. I am dropping  the unmanageable bags full of shit that I have insisted on carrying for close to 40 years. I am letting go. Slowly. Surely. Imperfectly.

I am embracing what I know is real. I am loving myself as I am. I am enjoying these moments of growth and clarity. Beloved, I am embracing my perfectly imperfect self. It has given me a clarity I have never had before. I have come to understand that sometimes we just need to set things down, simply because they are heavy.

I am looking my vulnerability in the face and seeing it's beauty. I desire to share more of it with the world as scary as that might be. It is exquisite. There is strength here imperfect as it may be. I am seeing myself for the first time.

Random Jewish Thoughts on a Thursday

A few random final thoughts as Sukkot comes to a close.

1. The sukkah is an impermanent structure. Like our bodies. It is a reminder that from dust we came and to dust we shall return. Nothing is forever.

Wood Sukkah

2. The sukkah has one open side to create a feeling of hospitality, and we are to invite others in. We even symbolically invite the patriarchs in each night. So too we should welcome others into our hearts with love. We should welcome the teachings that inspire and help us grow as well.

3. The roof of the sukkah should be made of a material that lets the light of the stars in. We too should stop and let the light in.

Boho Sukkah

4. The sukkah is to be decorated inside. So too should we decorate our hearts and soul with things of beauty. Love, compassion, devotion, charity, and grace to name a few.

5. We are commanded to shake the lulav (a group of 4 different species of plants.) This leads to a dance of sort. This can create great joy in doing something that feels silly. We too should always remember to look for the joyful moments as we move through our lives. If you don't see them, make them!

Fancy Sukkah

And now that Sukkot is drawing to a close we are about to start a whole new adventure. We are about to roll the Torah scrolls all the way back. To start at the beginning once again with Genesis or Bereshit as it is known in Judaism. Another year, another cycle, of creating, growing, and enjoying our impermanent lives. May the light bless you and keep you another year.

The Big Suck

I joined a reading challenge on Goodreads, and my goal for the year is 100 books. I am at 80 as we speak and am on track to making my goal. I haven't read this voraciously in many years. I realize how much I missed it.

One of the books I read is "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. I will be the first to say this book is not at all what I was expecting. I was drawn in by the amazing storytelling of the author. His finer points were not lost on me either. It was thoroughly enjoyable. It was so good that I plan on actually buying a physical copy to keep and reread. (Support your local library guys!)

One of the things that Mark said that really stuck with me is, "It's ok for stuff to suck sometimes." It was really an ah-ha moment for me. We live in a society that tells us we need to be happy all the time. We need to do any and everything that we can to make sure we in no way suffer, are uncomfortable, or feel our unpleasant feelings. We hear messages all the time reinforcing these ideas. But it's a lie. Life is not perfect. We shouldn't strive for perfection. It's not obtainable. We only cause ourselves more discomfort and pain in the long run by clinging to this idea of perfection.

I have been guilty of this. I sometimes have a Pollyanna outlook. I can be too positive, always looking for the silver lining. And that's great! Except when I just need to sit with my feelings. When I need to accept life on life's terms. When I need to really see the reality of where I am.

I am getting better at letting stuff just suck sometimes. I am getting better at stepping back, assessing what is mine to take care of, and letting other people take care of their stuff. I am embracing the suck when it appears, thanking it, and letting go of the need for perfection. I am enjoying my life so much more this way.

I'm not REALLY Talking About Sukkot or Why You Are Me

It has been a week friends. A week of sadness, violence, and struggle. I'm not going to talk about any of those things though. I think enough people have already said all that needs to be said. I just wanted to share what's been bubbling around in my heart.

This week the Jewish holiday of Sukkot starts. It is the "Feast of Tabernacles." I am NOT going to write about Sukkot though. I AM going to share a wonderful idea from some of my study of the holiday, and a few more thoughts about life. 

 

Check out the American Jewish World Service by clicking HERE!

The sukkah is the little temporary hut Jewish families build for the holiday. And temporary it is. As a rule, it can not be a permanent structure. One side must be more open. The roof must be made of plant material but cannot block out the stars. If you are standing in the sukkah at night you must see stars. Traditionally you eat and sleep in it. I believe the sukkah is a throwback to the time of both Abraham and the Hebrews as they wandered through the desert. It is a reminder that life is fragile and impermanent. We are all wanders.

Rabbi Noa Kushner said, "The sukkah can help us remember this basic truth: we are all living under the same roof." I love this idea. It is a wonderful reminder that regardless of race, religion, or nationality we are all living under one big vast and beautiful sky. We are all one really.

Similarly, Yogi Bhajan the spiritual teacher who introduced Kundalini yoga to the western world said, "Recognize the other person is you." There are many meanings to this I believe, but the core for me is seeing that we are all the same, again we are all one. Just like you have hopes, dreams, fears, and desires so too do everyone else. They may not be the same, they may not have the same priorities, but other people are no less deserving of love, care, and respect. When we can see the humanity of the "other" person we have succeeded. 

Recognizing the other person is you can also be understood to mean that there is truly NO separation. We may be in sperate bodies, living "separate" lives, but in reality, we are all connected. We have all ended up on the same rock hurling through space, breathing the same air, feeling the same beams of the sun radiating down upon us. We are all a part of this enormous living breathing thing we know as the Universe. Whether you are spiritual or not, you can not deny there is an innerconnectedness to being. We are one. 

This brings me to the final quote I would like to share. Ram Dass is famously quoted as saying, "We are all just walking each other home." This is truly one of my favorite quotes of all time. It is beautifully heartbreaking. Regardless of the turmoils and stresses that surround us, we are simply moving through life together until the end. We are all walking each other home.

There is so much pain in the world around us. This is not new, and will not end. If we could stop and take a moment. If we could gaze up into the night's sky peppered with brilliant lights from far away. If we realized for even a brief moment how amazing this life, this world, truly is. If we could just see that we are all living under the same roof. That each and every person we meet is just us in different clothes. If we all could just turn to our family, friends, neighbors, and strangers and truly see them. Then we would see ourselves. We would be able to reach across whatever divides us and take someone else's hand. At the end of the day my friends, we are all just walking each other home. Let's do it with love. Let's do it with compassion. And then, maybe then, we will all find some peace.

Wisdom Wednesday

Wisdom Wednesday

Rosh Hashanah and the Sound of Shofar

I want to start this post by letting you know I in no way feel my religious and spiritual beliefs are the only valid ones. I support everyone in following their own path. What I share is simply intended to give you a snap shot of where I am and what I am contemplating at the moment. I love to share, discuss, and think. I believe in mutual love and respect. If you don't want to hear about religion or spirituality feel free to skip this post! No hard feelings. All the love.

Shofar

Rosh Hashahah starts tonight at sundown. It is the Jewish New Year, and a time to reflect on our lives and actions in the last year. There is much introspection and self examination. I love it. Anything that gets me turning inward is on my to do list.

One of the things we do in the Jewish month leading up to Rosh Hashanah is blow the Shofar. The shofar is a horn taken from a Kosher animal that is then hollowed out. I love the sound of the shofar. It is an almost haunting sound. Beautiful. Soul stirring. Mournful.

Girl Blowing the Shofar

Like everything else in Judaism there are several reasons we blow the shofar. First is we are commanded to hear it blown. It's a mitzvah, also known as command. It is a way to travel back in time to Sinai and hear what our ancestors heard. It represents the voice of HaShem (G-d) calling to us. It is also similar to a wake up call. A cosmic alarm clock if you will. Wake up! Wake up! The time is here! It's time to wake up to your life!

I actually have an app on my phone that allows me to blow the shofar. I live is southern Texas, and road out hurricane Harvey. There was a quiet morning in the middle of it all, and I sat in my living room an used the app. It was silent all around me other than the intense vibrato floating through the air. I was moved to tears as I felt a calming peace descend upon me. I felt loved, protected, and completely aware of my vulnerability in that moment. I knew that no matter what happened everything would be alright.

If you want to hear what the shofar sounds like just click here. Enjoy!

You Know or Why Don't I Ever Finish Anything?

Building on last weeks affirmation, "I am right where I need to be," this week we are affirming "I know what to do."

We may not like where we are, but we are there for a reason. We are where we need to be to make the next right choice. Affirm to yourself "I know what to do."

What is the next right choice to make? What do you need to accept to make the next right choice? What do you already know that you have been hiding from?

If I am completely honest with myself I already KNOW what to do in almost every situation. It can be difficult to stop and look at our behaviors and mindsets. It can be difficult to make the changes necessary to move forward. Painful even at times. Be we can do it. Sometimes we need to reach out to others for support. Sometimes we can handle it on our own. But nothing will change without acknowledging what we need to do. The next step is action.

I am such a procrastinator! I have turned it into an art form. I swear I can procrastinate procrastinating. I know what to do. I just don't do it! Writing, which I love, is the most obvious and easy example. If I can put off something I love how much more is that true for the hard things? I put off difficult discussions until it damaged relationships. I have refused to do things in a timely manner and that has hurt my education, work situations, financial security, and happiness. Procrastination is a bitch. One I've fed on many an occasion, but a bitch nonetheless.

I am right where I need to be. Look at it. Embrace it. Learn to love it. THEN you can change it. I see you procrastination! I have your number. I hide behind you because I am afraid. This is where I am. I am now ready to make a different choice.

I know what to do. Now that you can see it, whatever that it is, you can make a change. Make a different choice. Today I chose to look at my fear whatever it is and do the next right thing. I'm going to write. I'm going to tell someone I love them. I'm going to accept myself just as I am. Perfectly imperfect.

What do you know you need to do?

Weekly Affirmations and Being Right Where I Am

I have been feeling the urge to write again for awhile. It feels like a constant wrestling match inside of me. My heart wants to write, me head spouts all these reasons why I shouldn't. The doubts, the anxiety of being seen. I feel like I am entering a new season of life as I get closer to 40. I feel like I am braver and less fearful. My hearts desire to be vulnerable is starting to win out over my kvetching mind. I am embracing it. One day at a time.

I am also going to start sharing a new affirmation each week on Something for the Journeys Facebook page which you can find here. Each Sunday I will add a new affirmation. This weeks was:

I have to remind myself of this all the time. I always feel like I "should" be 15 steps ahead of where I am. I think many of us need to stop shoulding all over ourselves and embrace where we are. There is work to do right where we are. It is perfectly acceptable to want more. However I need to learn to love the step I am on. Maybe you do too. 

Feathers and Hammers

I can be an asshole. That may shock some of you, but it is very true.  I am careful with my words, except when I’m not. This week has definitely been an exercise in NOT. I seem to be arguing with everyone; insurance providers, coworkers, children, the people at the optical, and my beloved spouse. My poor spouse has taken the brunt of my rude and sassy behavior this week. Kudos for not locking me out of the house. Kudos for not divorcing me.

In the heat of the moment it is so easy to lose sight of the impact your words have. As the quote says, they can either be feathers or hammers.  I have been beating the Hades out of almost everyone I have come in contact with this week. 

I am owning up to my bad behavior. I vow to lay my hammer down. I have to start reminding myself that like Ali my words need to be light as a feather. I need to be a better steward of the tongue I have been given, the grace I have been shown, and the words I think and use.

How have your words been landing this week?

Reset

I woke up late.  I barely made it out the door with kids in tow.  Definitely not on time.  I had to give news to people at work that started their day badly.  It all felt overwhelming and it seriously sucked.  I went to make a cup of tea.  At least that would be the one good thing this morning I thought.  I LOVE Yogi Tea.  It’s one of my favorite brands.  I also like that each bag has a tag on it with a saying to give you something to think about.  It wasn’t until I made it back to my desk that I remembered to look.  And there it was. “Peace of mind comes piece by piece.”

Ah! Of course.  Here I was rushing around, trying to tackle everything all at once.  Fix everything all at once.  I just needed to slow down, find a moment of peace, and reset my whole day.  And so I did.  I took my first real deep breath of the day at 8:22 am.  I meditated on the saying.  I realized in that moment I was letting my ego convince me that everything had to be perfect, run smoothly, and work out exactly as I wanted in order for the day to be a good one.  That’s total bull by the way.  NOTHING has to work out the way I want in order to have a good day.  We all have a choice.  To lean into love or lean into fear (ego).  Living from the ego is what makes us feel crazy, scared, defensive, and overwhelmed.  All of those feelings made an appearance in my life this morning.  But, I also know that I can make a different choice and choose to see everything through love.  I can reframe it!

Yes I woke up late, but my body needed the extra rest.  I am thankful that I now respect, listen to, and understand what my body needs from me.  I love my body and what to take care of it.  I barely made it out the door with the kids, but what a miracle those children are!  They teach me something every day.  This morning when I was grouchy and short they taught me grace by being loving and gentle with me when I probably didn’t deserve it in the moment.  I was late, but I arrived safely!  I may have had to deliver bad news, but I can also recognize that I am doing the best I can right now in this moment.  I can take a bit of the grace the children showed me, and give it to myself. 

“Peace of mind comes piece by piece.”  Everything doesn’t have to happen all at once.  Everything doesn’t have to happen the way we plan.  All we need to do is slow down and be here now.  This moment is all we have.  Revel in the peace.  Enjoy your life piece by piece.