The Place of Arising

Jacob at Bethel

This weeks portion, Va-yetse, has some of the best-known stories from the Torah. Va-yetse translates as "and he went forth," and at the opening of our reading that is exactly what Jacob is doing. He has left his home and is traveling to his mothers family in search of safety. When Jacob stops to sleep he dreams of a ladder where angels are coming up and down. God appears to Jacob blessing him and promising safe passage. When Jacob resumes his travels he comes upon a well and meets Rachel, Laban's daughter. He is immediately taken with her. Jacob shows off by rolling the rock away from the opening of the well. He returns with Rachel to meet Laban, and agrees to work for Rachel's hand in marriage. Jacob is tricked into marrying Leah, Rachel's older sister, but he loves Rachel so much he agrees to work another 7 years to marry her too. Both wives and maidservants give birth to many children during his time with Laban. However, Jacob desires to return to his father's land. After some difficulties with Laban, they finally part ways and Jacob takes his wives, children, and livestock and begins the journey home.

Jacob's Ladder

Jacob's dream of the ladder is the first recorded encounter with God Jacob has. The word translated here as a ladder can be better translated as stairway or ramp. In Mesopotamia, the temple towers were equipt with a ramp-like incline that led to the top where they believed the deity they worshipped would appear to communicate.  When Jacob see's this "ladder" he would have recognized the symbolism. But unlike the Mesopotamian gods who were "on high", Jacob's God is standing beside him, feet on the ground. This theme of personal intimacy with God is something that started with Abraham and has continued on with his descendants. God is close and tangible.

It is here that the Lord reiterates the blessing given by Issac, and reinforces that the blessing of land and children would come through Jacob. Regardless of how he received the blessing, it was destined to be Jacob all along. God also promises to be with and protect Jacob until he returns to "this land," the land they were standing on. When Jacob wakes up he realizes that the land he is on is holy. He exclaims, " Surely God was in the place and I, I did not know!" Jacob took the stone he had rested his head upon and set it to mark the place. He named it Bethel, meaning the house of God.

The Hebrew word for place is Makom. It derives from the verb kum which means "to arise." Ha Makom is also another name for God. With this in mind, Jacobs exclamation could be read as, "Surely Makom was in this makom and I, I did not know!" The place was in this place! The place that changes everything. Everything is new. My eyes are open.

Have you ever experienced something profound that you didn't expect? It wasn't until the veil was lifted, until something arose, that you realized how something impacted your life. The little i, the I before this moment, has now become the capital I. I am changed. Transformed. This is the revelation that Jacob has. Nothing is the same from that moment on. The rising place can take us by surprise, but I believe it can set us free.

"Surely Makom (God) was in this makom (arising place) and i, I did not know."

The place. The moment you are in is what is important. What happened? What is happening now? Be in the moment. Be. Here. Now. Open your eyes. See what is real. What is in front of you. Allow it to transform you. Allow it to lift you to the next place, and then be there fully. Embrace the place, whatever it is. Even when it is hard. Allow the Makom to wash over you. Allow it to move you. Over and over again. Allow it to renew you. Be. Here. Now.

The Things That Matter

I have company coming. It doesn't matter who is visiting, when I know someone is coming I see everything around me with a different eye. Where did those cobwebs come from? Has that stain always been on the couch? Is it too late to regrout the floor or paint the living room? The amount of anxiety I give myself up to the time of the actual visit is ridiculous.

I saw this quote from Gary Vaynerchuk today. "99% of the things around us don't matter." It gave me pause and allowed me to view what I was sweating over differently. Of course, I'm going to make sure my house is presentable. Of course, I will clean (a bit too much.) But I am refusing to tie myself in knots over it. It's not going to matter anyway! My visitor isn't going to be peaking behind my toilet or under my fridge looking for dust bunnies. All they are going to care about is seeing us. All they are going to care about is the love and laughs we are going to share. And, maybe a few bits of amazing food as well.

I know Gary wasn't talking about the state of my house. If you don't know Gary Vaynerchuk I recommend reading his books, or following him on Facebook, or both! He talks a lot about finding your passion and changing your life, in a no-nonsense way and often with colorful language. What Gary is trying to say here is to stop allowing all the bullshit and things that don't matter hold you back. Ignore the gossips at work. Don't worry about office politics. Don't follow someone else's dream. Do you! Do what turns you on. Do what makes you happy. Work your ass off. You will HAVE to work your ass off. But it's worth it.

What do you need to let go of to accomplish what you want? What is really important in your life? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?
I want to be happy. I want to connect with others on a deeper level. I don't want to fret over the little things that have no real impact on my life, both personally and professionally. This week I am going to do my best, relax, and enjoy the rest. I'm going to focus on the 1% that truly matters.

Birthright and Blessing

Isaac Giving Jacob His Blessing

The Torah portion for this week is Toldot. Translated it means "generations." Our reading starts out recounting the story of Issac. Which in honesty isn't the story of Isaac, but features his sons prominently. Toldot references both Abraham and Laban, which is possibly a foreshadowing that Laban will return to the story later. (Spoiler alert! He does.)

We learn that Rebekah struggles with infertility, but at last she conceives. There is a lot of struggle in her womb, she goes to pray, and Rebekah is given a prophecy. Two nations are in your womb God says. One will be greater than the other. The older will Serve the younger. Rebekah gives birth. Esau is born first, and when Jacob is born he is grasping Esau's heel.

Esau and Jacob

From the beginning, Esau and Jacob are polar opposites. Esau was a great hunter and a man of the outdoors. Because of his hunting skills, Issac favored him. Jacob was mild-mannered and preferred the quieter life of living within the camp. He was Rebekah's favorite. Esau is more impulsive and Jacob takes advantage of that fact by tricking Esau out of his birthright as well as his father's blessing with the help of his mother.

This moment of Esau giving away his birthright is where I find myself drawn in this week Torah portion. I believe it is closely connected to the end of the portion where Jacob also tricks their father into giving him a blessing, but the difference in Esau's reactions is what is the most interesting and telling part of all. Let's take a look at the initial interaction between Esau and Jacob.

The Birthright Exchange Moment

Jacob is making a stew. Esau returns to the camp and is drawn in by amazing smell of the food cooking. He tells Jacob to give him some stew because he is famished.

"Jacob said, 'First sell me your birthright.' And Esau said, 'I am at the point of death, so of what use is my birthright to me?' But Jacob said, 'Swear it to me first.' So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob. Jacob then gave Esau bread and lentil stew; he ate and drank, and he rose and went away. Thus did Esau spurn the birthright." Genesis 25:31-35

Esau being the oldest was due to inherit his fathers land and flocks, as well as enjoy other benefits afforded to him due to his status as the firstborn. Even though we don't know what age they are it seems clear that Esau is pretty immature. Either he doesn't realize the magnitude of what he is agreeing to or he simply doesn't care.

If we fast forward to the end of the portion we find Isaac towards the end of his life and desiring to give Esau a blessing. Jacob with the help of Rebekah tricks Issac by pretending to be Esau and receives the blessing instead. When Esau returns from hunting he learns from Isaac that this too has been stolen from him by Jacob. He begins to bitterly sob begging Issac for any blessing that he can provide. Esau finally realizes the magnitude of what he has lost.

Esau's predicament is something we all can relate to. I may not have traded my birthright for a good meal, but there are several times in my life I have misjudged the value of an exchange. I have given more than I received in relationships. I have undervalued what I have. I haven't taken into account the importance of decisions I made on my future. Much like Esau when there has been some time has passed it was easier to see what the true cost of some of my decisions has been. As I've gotten older I've learned to slow down when I make decisions and try and take all the consequences into account. Esau matured over time and hopefully we do too.

This is such a timely lesson in my life right now. I have a teenager on the verge of being an "adult." This has been a difficult season as we all try to adjust to our new dynamic and roles. Some of his behavior and his attitude remind me of young Esau. More focused on the immediate fulfillment of desire and less on the long game. As a parent, you teach them the best you can and try to shape them into productive and hopefully amazing human beings. At some point, you have to release your grip and allow them to make their own decisions, their own mistakes. All you can do is hope they make good choices.

Take some time to reflect. What lessons have you learned the hard way? How has your decision-making process changed over time? Are you a young Esau, or an older Esau?

Analysis Paralysis

I am super analytical with myself. I analyze everything from the way I write, to the things I say, to the way I behave in a group. I also analysis everything else in my life. My relationships, my career options, and what I want to do with my life. I scrutinize every tiny bit. It can be exhausting. I am getting a little better at cutting myself some slack, but over-analyzing is still my default.

Like Danielle LaPorte says, "Too much analysis can lead to paralysis." I am guilty of spending way too much time thinking about things and not enough time executing actions. I get so wrapped up in thinking about all the angles or possibilities in a situation I can freeze. I will start to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. I am starting to realize making a mistake is far better than being stuck in place by our own fears. We can miss out on so much by allowing our fear to run the show.

This is one of the things I am working on. I am taking baby steps in getting out of my head and moving on the things I want. I am learning to move through my fears instead of allowing them to hold me at bay. It's a lot of work! Especially when you have spent so long camping inside your own head. It can be extremely scary to allow ourselves to be vulnerabe and take risks, but any step forward is success when it comes analysis paralysis.

What do you think? Are you guilty of this too? How do you get past your analysis paralysis? Let me know!

Sarah's Legacy

Sarah

After last weeks action packed Torah portion this week is almost a bit of a letdown. Chayei Sarah starts with the death of Sarah, and Abraham's negotiation for a burial site for her. Abraham then realizes it's time to get a wife for his son Issac,  and sends his trusted servant back to his homeland and fathers home to find one. His servant encounters Rebekah, convinces her family to send her to him, and he brings her back to Isaac. They marry. Abraham dies. The end of our portion is a list of Abraham's descendants.

Chayei Sarah translates as "the life of Sarah." This at first seemed ridiculous to me as the first thing that happens is Sarah's death. There really is nothing about her actual life in this portion. The first line is "Sarah's lifetime- the span of Sarah's life- came to one hundred and seventy-two years old. Sarah died..." So my first question is why is it named "the life of Sarah" when it clearly isn't about that at all.

The Cave of Machpelah

Abraham spends a good amount of time negotiating for Sarah's burial place. It's interesting how what seems like a simple request to honor the dead becomes such an important place. The cave of Machpelah not only becomes Sarah's resting place. She is later joined by Abraham, Issac, Rebekah, Jacob, and Leah. The only matriarch that isn't buried here is Rachel. It is referred to as the Cave of the Patriarchs or the Sanctuary of Abraham as well. It is the oldest continuously used prayer structure in the world.

A theme in this portion that became clear for me was the idea of the small things become the big things. Sarah's death was the pivotal moment that spurred the purchase of the cave, the marriage of her son Isaac, and even how Abraham deals with his other children at the end of his life. Isaac become's the only true heir while Abraham's other children including Ishmael only receive gifts.

 Even in death, Sarah has influence, and she always had a great amount of influence over Abraham. But maybe that is the point. "Sarah's lifetime- the span of Sarah's life- came to one hundred and seventy-two years old." Why reiterate Sarah's life twice in this line? Sarah lives a complete and long life, and in this portion, we see that she lives on through her child and her influence of Abraham. I think that's one reason this portion is named "the life of Sarah." The life that continues on after she's gone is her legacy.

I have to be honest that I don't particularly care for Sarah. I don't like how she handled Hagar and Ishmael. I feel like a lot of her choices were selfish and self serving. Regardless of my personal feelings, I have to admit she was a pivotal figure. The lesson I am taking from this weeks portion is that we all can leave a legacy. We all do whether we realize it or not. What we need to ask ourselves is, what makes a successful life? What is success for us personally? How can we create a life we love, and one that will touch others after we are gone? What steps are we going to take to live our best and most complete life?

Worth Times Two

Last weeks affirmation was "I am worthy." This week I want to dig a little deeper into this idea. The truth is, the greatest project you will ever work on is yourself. That's right. You. Your growth affects everyone around you. The better you become, the better your life becomes, and the better your relationships can be.

So where do you need to feel more worthy? Maybe you struggle at work, or in your marriage. Maybe you feel like a crappy parent. Honestly who doesn't a time or two. Maybe you feel like you aren't worthy of success, love, or happiness.

It's important to be specific on where it is that you feel unworthy. You can not heal what you can not identify. If you aren't sure take some time to journal. Get your feelings out. Look them over. What do you see? What do you need to heal?

I have a streak of perfectionism I inherited that runs deep. I tend to hold myself to unrealistic expectations, and when I know I can't hit them I just give up. I am not gentle with myself in general. The farther I land from my self imposed mark the more broken I feel. It is just in the last few years that I have started to question the stories that I have lived with all my life. I have begun to question my "brokeness." I now believe we are all perfectly imperfect. We all have lessons to learn and places to grow. We are all worthy. Let me repeat that. We are ALL worthy, simply because we are. Period.

So where do you feel unworthy? Focus on that place this week. Try some of the following affirmations.

I am worthy of respect.
I am worthy of happiness.
I am worthy of companionship.
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of success.
I am worthy of joy.
I am worthy of peace.
I am worthy of the life I desire.

Beloved you ARE worthy.

Growing Pains

The last few weeks have felt like a slog. I had made several big jumps in growth and then bam! Nothing. Everything ground to a halt. I was frustrated. Then I took my own advice and was a little more gentle with myself. I backed off my self imposed expectations of the speed I should be moving, and that allowed me to step back and look at the situation.

I realized I was simply just in a different part of the growth spiral. Growth like everything else in life ebbs and flows. After there is action you need time to see what the results of that action are. You also need time to reflect. To give the outcome the meaning it has for you. I was, and still am in some ways, in the feedback and reflection parts of that particular growth I experienced a few weeks ago. When we can recognize where we are it makes it easier to be understanding with ourselves and the movement, or lack there of, we are seeing.

This week I am choosing to be kinder to myself as I figure out all the new moving parts in my life. I accept that this feeling of stagnation isn't really that, but time for me to fully integrate and understand what the changes in my life mean for me. I am trying to take a lesson from nature. Plants and trees know when to grow, and they know when to rest. The seasons can teach us so much about birth, growth, death, and renewal. We too are part of this amazing natural world even though we often have constructed lives that take us far from it. Lives that make us feel other. Part of my acceptance work this week will be getting out into nature and feeling Her energy. Feeling the rhythm of it all. I invite you to do the same beloveds.