Sarah's Legacy

Sarah

After last weeks action packed Torah portion this week is almost a bit of a letdown. Chayei Sarah starts with the death of Sarah, and Abraham's negotiation for a burial site for her. Abraham then realizes it's time to get a wife for his son Issac,  and sends his trusted servant back to his homeland and fathers home to find one. His servant encounters Rebekah, convinces her family to send her to him, and he brings her back to Isaac. They marry. Abraham dies. The end of our portion is a list of Abraham's descendants.

Chayei Sarah translates as "the life of Sarah." This at first seemed ridiculous to me as the first thing that happens is Sarah's death. There really is nothing about her actual life in this portion. The first line is "Sarah's lifetime- the span of Sarah's life- came to one hundred and seventy-two years old. Sarah died..." So my first question is why is it named "the life of Sarah" when it clearly isn't about that at all.

The Cave of Machpelah

Abraham spends a good amount of time negotiating for Sarah's burial place. It's interesting how what seems like a simple request to honor the dead becomes such an important place. The cave of Machpelah not only becomes Sarah's resting place. She is later joined by Abraham, Issac, Rebekah, Jacob, and Leah. The only matriarch that isn't buried here is Rachel. It is referred to as the Cave of the Patriarchs or the Sanctuary of Abraham as well. It is the oldest continuously used prayer structure in the world.

A theme in this portion that became clear for me was the idea of the small things become the big things. Sarah's death was the pivotal moment that spurred the purchase of the cave, the marriage of her son Isaac, and even how Abraham deals with his other children at the end of his life. Isaac become's the only true heir while Abraham's other children including Ishmael only receive gifts.

 Even in death, Sarah has influence, and she always had a great amount of influence over Abraham. But maybe that is the point. "Sarah's lifetime- the span of Sarah's life- came to one hundred and seventy-two years old." Why reiterate Sarah's life twice in this line? Sarah lives a complete and long life, and in this portion, we see that she lives on through her child and her influence of Abraham. I think that's one reason this portion is named "the life of Sarah." The life that continues on after she's gone is her legacy.

I have to be honest that I don't particularly care for Sarah. I don't like how she handled Hagar and Ishmael. I feel like a lot of her choices were selfish and self serving. Regardless of my personal feelings, I have to admit she was a pivotal figure. The lesson I am taking from this weeks portion is that we all can leave a legacy. We all do whether we realize it or not. What we need to ask ourselves is, what makes a successful life? What is success for us personally? How can we create a life we love, and one that will touch others after we are gone? What steps are we going to take to live our best and most complete life?

Worth Times Two

Last weeks affirmation was "I am worthy." This week I want to dig a little deeper into this idea. The truth is, the greatest project you will ever work on is yourself. That's right. You. Your growth affects everyone around you. The better you become, the better your life becomes, and the better your relationships can be.

So where do you need to feel more worthy? Maybe you struggle at work, or in your marriage. Maybe you feel like a crappy parent. Honestly who doesn't a time or two. Maybe you feel like you aren't worthy of success, love, or happiness.

It's important to be specific on where it is that you feel unworthy. You can not heal what you can not identify. If you aren't sure take some time to journal. Get your feelings out. Look them over. What do you see? What do you need to heal?

I have a streak of perfectionism I inherited that runs deep. I tend to hold myself to unrealistic expectations, and when I know I can't hit them I just give up. I am not gentle with myself in general. The farther I land from my self imposed mark the more broken I feel. It is just in the last few years that I have started to question the stories that I have lived with all my life. I have begun to question my "brokeness." I now believe we are all perfectly imperfect. We all have lessons to learn and places to grow. We are all worthy. Let me repeat that. We are ALL worthy, simply because we are. Period.

So where do you feel unworthy? Focus on that place this week. Try some of the following affirmations.

I am worthy of respect.
I am worthy of happiness.
I am worthy of companionship.
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of success.
I am worthy of joy.
I am worthy of peace.
I am worthy of the life I desire.

Beloved you ARE worthy.

Growing Pains

The last few weeks have felt like a slog. I had made several big jumps in growth and then bam! Nothing. Everything ground to a halt. I was frustrated. Then I took my own advice and was a little more gentle with myself. I backed off my self imposed expectations of the speed I should be moving, and that allowed me to step back and look at the situation.

I realized I was simply just in a different part of the growth spiral. Growth like everything else in life ebbs and flows. After there is action you need time to see what the results of that action are. You also need time to reflect. To give the outcome the meaning it has for you. I was, and still am in some ways, in the feedback and reflection parts of that particular growth I experienced a few weeks ago. When we can recognize where we are it makes it easier to be understanding with ourselves and the movement, or lack there of, we are seeing.

This week I am choosing to be kinder to myself as I figure out all the new moving parts in my life. I accept that this feeling of stagnation isn't really that, but time for me to fully integrate and understand what the changes in my life mean for me. I am trying to take a lesson from nature. Plants and trees know when to grow, and they know when to rest. The seasons can teach us so much about birth, growth, death, and renewal. We too are part of this amazing natural world even though we often have constructed lives that take us far from it. Lives that make us feel other. Part of my acceptance work this week will be getting out into nature and feeling Her energy. Feeling the rhythm of it all. I invite you to do the same beloveds. 

Don't Look Back

Abraham Entertaining the Angels

This weeks Torah portion is Va-Yera, and it is packed with action and well-known stories. Here's a recap! 

Translated Va-Yera means "And He Appeared." Abraham is visited by 3 men (or angels depending on the telling.) He hurries to make them welcome. They share with Abraham that Sarah will be with child. Afterwards, these men/angels venture to Sodom and visit Abraham's nephew Lot. 

The people of the city attempt to take the visitors by force, and after much persuasion, the men/angels are able to get Lot and his family to leave. Abraham haggles with God over Sodom, but in the end, it is destroyed. Lot's wife is turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot ends up fathering children with his two remaining daughters.

Sarah gives birth! And poor Hagar and Ishmael are driven away, but not without a promise from God that Ishmael will also be blessed because of the covenant between God and his father. Our portion ends with one of the greatest stories in Torah the binding of Issac, or the Akedah.

Whew! That's a lot in this one week! There are some really great stories to reflect on, but this week I want to think about one specific moment. The moment that Lot's wife looks back.

Lot and His Family Running

   We are never told the name of Lot's wife. There is very little information about her prior to this moment. Just of Abraham's merit alone Lot and his family are to be saved from the destruction of Sodom. The only instructions they had were to flee without looking back, and yet Lot's wife does. Why does she look back? We can only speculate. Lot's wife was forced to leave her home, the community she was raised in, and according to the Midrash two of her daughters. She left everything she owned. Everything she knew. Maybe she had a moment of regret. A moment of despair. 

The Five Books of Miriam is a modern Torah commentary. An excerpt written as if being spoken by Lot's wife: “I looked back to all that I had left behind – my friends and relatives, my home with its cherished mementos, my childhood – and I wept. And so hot was the desert sun and the brimstone torching Sodom that my flowing tears dried instantly, turning me into a pillar of salt.”

In shock and horror, she turned. She turned to look at where she had been. She paused just a moment too long. Isn't this something we can all relate to? We lose our way, a relationship ends, or maybe our choices have unintended outcomes. We stop for a moment and look back. Maybe it's because we miss something or someone. Maybe we wish things had been different. We want to look back and see the good, but like Lot's wife, we realize only too late that it's a mistake to linger too long. 

Introspection is good. Being able to see and confront our faults is good. What is not good is dwelling on the regrets, shame, and pain behind us. Wishing we still had the relationship, or job, or house that is gone doesn't allow us to move forward.  When we are so focused on what we lost, what we don't have, we can miss what was meant for us all along. 

Sometimes we have to walk away from the good to reach the great. We can be afraid of change, afraid of the leap that is required of us to be better. Lot and his family resisted leaving Sodom. They practically had to be carried out of the city. Why? As much as we can speculate that is was because they didn't want to leave their home, I would also say it was because they didn't know what the future held. They would have to step out in faith that they would be taken care of. It can be very scary to let go of what we have, especially when we feel secure, even when we KNOW that the better path is right in front of us. 

I think that's the lesson Lot's wife can give us. Looking back to learn from our lessons work, it's when we linger too long that we hurt ourselves. We should see Lot's wife being turned to salt not as a punishment, but more as a sign at the crossroads of life. Do not stand still too long. Do not allow fear or sorrow to turn you into a pillar of salt.

                 

Embracing Our Unworthy Feelings to Get to Worth

We are starting a new month this week! I can't believe we are just 2 months away from a new year. Time is just flying. Because we are entering a new month I wanted to start a new theme with my weekly affirmations. This week we are affirming "I am worthy."

I want to share a personal story about this particular affirmation. I always considered myself as someone who felt worthy. I had no idea how unworthy I felt until the beginning of this year. Several years ago I read about and started a habit of using affirmation as passwords in order to reinforce them. (I HIGHLY recommend this practice.) It was January and time for me to change one of my passwords. I was at a loss. I couldn't think of anything I really wanted to work on. So I casually chose "I am worthy," because it seemed nice and benign. It was not.

I noticed after a few weeks of starting to use this affirmation password I started feeling oh so not worthy. I started to compare myself to others very harshly. I started feeling out of place at work, and not good enough. I was struggling in my relationships. I was horribly insecure. Across the board I felt as if my life was completely falling apart. I just didn't understand what was happening.

The 6 months of typing this affirmation several times a day were uncomfortable and difficult, but it was a clear wake up call to myself. I realized in that time that I wasn't as happy as I thought. I didn't believe it myself as much as I thought. I also realized I had settled in many ways for what I was given instead of living a life I dreamed of. It was a turning point for me. It was a blessing in disguise.

"I am worthy" is a great affirmation for change. There are so many people who don't feel worthy somewhere in their life. In using this affirmation we can flush out those things that make us feel unworthy. We can find things we didn't even know were there that are keeping us stuck in the status quo. "I am worthy" helps us to confront those places that are broken inside and shine a healing light on them.

As for myself, I have spent the better part of the last year working on healing the issues I found. I have made great progress. I feel more worthy than ever. It has been an interesting process, and I am happy to do it. I am worthy, and so are you beloved.

What feelings does this weeks affirmation stir in you? Where do you not feel worthy in your life? What changes are you being called to make in your life.

Idols and Destiny

Lech Lecha

This weeks Torah portion is Lech Lecha. Lech Lecha means to go, or more literally "you go." In the few verses before this portion we are introduced to Abraham. In this weeks reading we see Abraham heed the call of God to leave his native land and fathers house. God tells Abraham to go forth and he will bless him in ways he can not imagine. Abraham obeys taking his family and nephew Lot with him. They fight a war, He and Lot separate, and in frustration at lack of an heir Abraham's wife Sarah sends her servant Hagar to be a stand in. Hagar bears a son, Ishmael. God again promises blessings and a son through Sarah, and commands Abraham to circumcise himself and his people to signify the covenant between them.

In the biblical account we aren't told how Abraham stumbled into monotheism. Unlike Moses much later there is no burning bush. No "ah ha" God moment. Only a clear command that is heeded. Go forth..and I will bless you. Abraham obeys without hesitation with complete faith and trust. This points to an intense type of intimacy between the two. But where did it come from?

One of the most beautiful things about Judaism in my opinion is that we don't have just the written Torah, but also the oral Torah. It is taught that when Moses was receiving the Torah at Sinai he was given both. The written is important, but the oral Torah fills in gaps and answers questions that just aren't covered in the written words.

Abraham destroying idols.

From the oral Torah we learn that Abraham's father Terah was an idol maker, and sold them for a living. Abraham was considered a rational and intelligent boy who was unafraid to challange convention. He saw the idols for what they were. And, when left in charge of his fathers shop, he destroyed all but the largest idol. When Terah came back and demanded an explanation, Abraham said the remaining idol smashed all the others for their grain offerings. Terah accused Abraham of lying because the idol weren't alive, it wasn't possible for his story to be true. Abraham then asked his father, "Then why worship the lifeless work of your hands?" The Midrash teaches that Abraham didn't believe in the One God because he spoke to him or did anything to prove his existence to Abraham. Abraham discovered God for himself.

I like this story because it is a wonderful example of how listening to and honoring our own inner truth can and will completely change the trajectory of our lives. Abraham listened. He left his land, his fathers house, and ventured out living a nomadic life. We too can listen to our own inner voice. Call it God, Holy Spirit, the Universe, or the subconscious. It doesn't answer to a specific name. It is just that still small voice inside, guiding us to our destinies. Helping us make better choices. Showing us our gifts.

Like Abraham we too must destroy idols along the way. Usually they aren't actual sculptures of gods. They look more like wasting our lives in front of reality TV shows at the expense of connecting with our families. Working excessively to prove our worth. Being preoccupied with the "right appearance." Fear of change can be a crippling idol. We fall prey to the idols we create with our own hands just like Terah, and our own thoughts. We allow false beliefs to trick us into living a life that is less than what we deserve. Less than what we are called to.

Abraham had NO idea where he was going or what was going to happen to him once he left. He just knew that his God, the still small voice from within, told him to go. He walked away from the land he knew, destroying the idols of security and assurance. He left his fathers house, destroying the idol of tradition for the sake of tradition. He turned away from what he had, and turned towards something greater. His destiny.

What price are you paying for your security? What are you trading for the status quo? What idols do you see in your life that are keeping you from fulfilling your destiny? What idols are you willing to destroy today?

Perfectly Imperfect

I have carried a lot of questionable stories about myself most of my life. Stories I took for the truth. Stories of my worth. Stories of who I am as a person. Stories of what I am capable of. What I can and can't do.

Here in year 39 I am becoming acutely aware of the amount of bullshit I believe about myself that isn't true at all. I am reexamining my stories. Taking each one and holding it. Inspecting it. Asking myself, "Is this true?" (Thank you Byron Katie) Who told you that? Why do you believe that?

I am coming to terms with my own truth. Finding the stories that no longer work for me. Seeing them for the over sized cloaks they are and slipping out of them with as much grace as I can. I am dropping  the unmanageable bags full of shit that I have insisted on carrying for close to 40 years. I am letting go. Slowly. Surely. Imperfectly.

I am embracing what I know is real. I am loving myself as I am. I am enjoying these moments of growth and clarity. Beloved, I am embracing my perfectly imperfect self. It has given me a clarity I have never had before. I have come to understand that sometimes we just need to set things down, simply because they are heavy.

I am looking my vulnerability in the face and seeing it's beauty. I desire to share more of it with the world as scary as that might be. It is exquisite. There is strength here imperfect as it may be. I am seeing myself for the first time.